I Will Survive

Well ... ah ... uhm ... hmmm ...

'been doin' good with actually ... Things To Do ... yeah, a lot of them in the list are underway 'cept that mother nature is kinda playing tricks and God really has a wicked sense of humour. ' don't really know and I suppose, best bet is to just leave everything up to Him as he seems to have plans and I'm not really getting the big picture. Signs, signs, signs ... doors are closing one after the other.

Couple friends I've known are breaking up. My world is shaken and it'll be awhile before everything settles back ... It's actually still rocking, no direction actually ... it's not even a side to side thing like in a pendulum of some sort ... no rhythm at all. I'm holding on tight but my insides are just as shaken.

Survival.

I have been called a survivor and yes, I have survived this long. And I am not young anymore. My significant other says when your doctor starts telling you to eat fish, exercise and stop smoking ... that means you have joined the club. You're old.

So how do we go about this? One day at a time, she says ... My mother says, go to church.

In absentia.

In absentia.

It seems that everyone I know who blogs (including me) ... we are all not in the mood to blog. Probably too many things going on. We all finally got a life of some sort and not just glued to the monitor. LOL!

To all those who did not forget my birthday ... thanks but honestly, I wanted to forget my birthday. It's not like it's pleasant to know that I am a year older again. Heehee.

There Goes My Dream ...

I had a dream.

Back in the 80's, I've always dreamt of having property up in Tagaytay where it is cool and fresh. I've scrounged over and over at classified ads for properties for sale. But of course, I was working for my mother and was just an employee in a family-owned business. I did not have enough to buy anything of real value such as lots, houses and cars. I had tons of clothing and shoes. I had my dad who spoiled me dearly however, he passed away and that was the end of that. My parents were wrapped in their own world. I grew up without sharing my passions, desires, wishes and dreams with my folks. I just babbled to whoever was there ... passer-bys, those who were around me for the moment. Some of them listened and some of them dreamt with me but they never stayed long enough.

Just me, myself and I.

The first piece of property I ever bought, sometime in 1995 I saw in the classified ads. It may not be in Tagaytay as I dreamed it would be but I made it in a way ... close ... in my heart. I took my mother to get her blessings as it was the first property of real value that I was about to purchase. My lifetime savings was also at stake, the very first time I would be buying something on my own and such a big amount. Of course, when my mother got out of my 4 by 4 as I escorted her through the mud, walking alongside the canal with neighboring countryfolks' lifestyles - pigsty, geese, chickens et al ... she was, as usual cursing and had nothing nice to say. We entered the gate where the seller greeted us. I watched my mother scrutinize the borken down house. After a couple of hours, out on the porch as the seller and my mother conversed, I was overtaken by the peacefulness and tranquility of my surroundings. At this point, I did not care if my mom gave her approval.

As we walked back to the car, my mother too was dreaming of planting herbs in the lot.

I let the property as is after I bought it saving again and dreaming some more. The adjacent property was up for sale but it was just too expensive that I had to forego with that dream. After three years, I had enough money to start construction. I found someone who fit in my dream. Five years ago, the dream became a reality.

My mother who somehow listened ... bought 2 adjacent lots in Tagaytay. In a subdivision, mind you ... which is somehow what I had in that dream. My sister-in-law however has managed to take possession of both lots by being her usual scheming ways. I did let my mom know that it was alright ... I have no desire to be live with her next door anyways. My mother as I mentioend, who somehow listens ... tries again. She has heard me a numebr of times about how I dream of having a house by the waters. And because I gave up Tagaytay, she bought another lot in a subdivision development down south where there is waterview up in the mountains ... not by the water. I am still dreaming ... of that property by a beachfront ... I hope this time my mother listens well.

Five years ago, I finally proved to my mother the most important thing for me. She has finally accepted me as an individual ... Through Guiguinto, I finally meant more than just her daughter. Ten years ago, I set out and risked it all for a dream ... The dream too became a reality. ART's was the biggest dream of it all ...

Today, I said good bye to two of my dogs. There goes my dream turning into a nightmare ...

I am sooo ... sooo, very ... very sad.

I feel so bad.

Dad?

When you have a brand new car, you are confident that it will not stall on you. Driving it around, you know that everything is just perfect. Temperatures don't rise, shifting gears a smoothie and you don't hear any tick, tick, tick or clank or whatever. The smell of a new car too is pleasant especially the leather ... Well, of course, if it's real leather. Vinyl has a different scent. So, you drive carefully heeling to a stop before you hit a hump. Until it's over a thousand kilometers or miles, depending where you are, you drive slowly. You speed up the process by going out of town. Have the car checked and serviced and for the first little while, you do the service check-ups, change oils every five thousand readings. At 10,000 normally, your car is a year old on the average. And you are accustomed to it. Depending of what type of a driver you are, your car now has scratches or maybe dents. At two years, there's a minor noises maybe if you pay attention and listen. Over five years, well ...

Last night, we went to the cemetery. It was pouring. Just before our van halted, the automatic locks went click. All the while, I thought our driver clicked the locks open but I do remember telling him that we would stay inside until the downpour stops. Before midnight, I decided to leave and drive around the city just to check out what's going on. The locks just went on and off. My significant other wanted me to lock my doors and the shotgun's seat's where Tara was. So everytime the automatic locks unlocked itself by itself, I locked the two on my side back again. It went on and on until we reached home. It was the first time that our van of three years old had that kind of thing going ...

Strange?

Happy Halloween!

Gone Diving ... Yeah!!!

It's such a pleasure to be down under. It is totally relaxing. Howevermuch the dives didn't go so well, there isn't really a bad dive. Well, of course, unless there's some serious accident happening but ... dives are always good, especially the aftermath.

Stupid, I tinkered with my camera and never really understood the manual fully well. I am sure I took shitty pictures this times as I fucked up my settings. Oh well ... Till next dive! Besides, this dive was supposedly a course anyway. We took the Peak Performance Bouyancy Specialty Course. It's supposed to make us better divers (enjoy diving more, lessen air consumption, streamlining, effortless diving, etc.), as if we don't already! We've been doing two-hour dives. Now if we don't enjoy it so much, why would we be diving for two hours, eh. Stream-lined? Effortless? So, anyways ...

I did try out for the first time diving with my dry-suit in warm waters. It sure is a nice feeling to be dry after a dive. However, the discomforts I feel all through out especially the squeeze do not compensate for the after-the-dive-dry feeling. Not to mention, wanting to pee. Maybe, I'll just dive with my dry suit when the water's like really cold and just make our DM suffer.

LOL!

Quiet Time

Everybody who knows me, really ... knows that I don't fully function as a human being for at least an hour or so after I wake up. I need quiet time by myself sipping two mugs of coffee and smoking a couple or two to speed up the process. Nature calls in between coffee and smokes. Others spend their quiet time on the throne with either a magazine or a book. I rather indulge myself with thoughts ... whatever thoughts. I may or may not be looking at my bedroom ceiling but wherever I maybe staring at ... it's within my own little world. Caught up in there. Whatever it is that may cross my mind like those that are burried, put aside or dreamt about. Sometimes silly, sometimes sad ... well, there are times when they are really quite depressing. Sometimes, happy thoughts as in wishes and dreams. Tribulations ... everything and anything that does not have to make sense and if it ever does, it does not even matter to anybody but me. During these wakening hours, I awaken. Any disturbance or intervention of this morning ritual screws up my day ... the life I try to live one day at a time. Of course, there are pleasant twists like when I'm just about to open my eyes and I feel a kiss ... or warm flesh beside me ... or smell of freshly brewed coffee by my side. Waking hours that I've spent staring out the window, watching the grass grow. Staring at sea and watching dolphins go by. Waking hours either make or break the day.

Everyday, I somehow ponder. My significant other chuckles for she says that my mind has no ability to stop thinking just for a second, that it forever ticks ... So when I say "I was thinking ... or I was wondering ..." She always laughs. These are the cobwebs of my mind ... the passage through my soul or should I say, the path my soul goes leading to my heart ... to me ...

Everyday, I somehow think of how the previous days went and what I should tackle for the day ahead. I look forward to tomorrow for better days to come and keep that smile in my heart ...

YESTERDAY, I found out that a former employee, a friend passed away. He served me well, very well in fact that there were times that I really missed having him around after he resigned. I wish that may his soul finally be at peace for he was lost, searching but not finding any tangible thing to hold on dearly. I've often wish I could do something for him while he was around. I didn't know any way but just to let him go as he pleased. He was a good friend.

Death is not a bad thing. I sometimes even feel envy for those who die, free from this harsh cruel world ... God bless the souls that have gone back to heaven.

God bless you, Joey.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY

Let's think of happy thoughts ...

Someday,

I will publish a book just as I did produce an album one day even if not a single hit the the top 100 countdown ...
I will exhibit my works just as my alma mater exhibited some of them ...
I will make headlines just as I did manage to get myself featured at CNN ...

I WILL

and stop just dreaming ...

BUT I WILL NEVER STOP DREAMING!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I dunno ... maybe, the world is really coming to an end. Anxious, people were as the clock strikes twelve December 31, 1999 when nobody really solved the Y2K bug. Of course, there was Nostradamus of the 14th century who wrote in verses that only him knew what he was talking about. To this day, theologians and the like are still deciphering them. What good are these revelations and prophecies when they are as vague as they can be. Talk about anti-Christs, the big earthquake and whatnots. Time passes by so quickly nowadays. People seem to have lost their sense of what is important ... really. Everything that used to be is so immaterial nowadays in such a material world.

When the world comes to an end ... Well, Bush for one is escalating it ... The suspected anti-Christ aka Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and their fanatic followers ... the never-ending search for their homeland of the forever wandering jews ... the utopians, cummies, capitalists, socialists, imperialists ... Now, tell me, I am so confused with all these pounding in my head. I have enough cobwebs in my mind.

Information society ... globalization ... high-technology ... China sending man in space and eventually overtaking the world ...

WHATEVER ...

AND ALL FOR WHAT?

Such is the meaning of life, HA!

God ... can we just possible make it simpler?

Start over. And this time, stay away from the GOD-DAMNED APPLE!

I Never Do or Do I?

I never learn.

Life is a cycle. It goes on and on. Just as the earth revolves around the sun, it also turns on its on axis in the same rhythmic passion from day to night, night to day and days to months, months to years and years to decades ... centuries and lightyears. Five billion lightyears away, where would it be? Five billion years from now, I definitely would not be but life still may be and some other being would be thinking the same things I am thinking now. Some other being would be asking the same question my significant other wondered and worried about.

I never learn.
My life's own cycles. I go through these cycles. Some bigger and longer ones, others small and a number minute to even notice. Beginning and end where the end becomes the beginning and so it goes. Trapped in your own little world of new beginnings and different endings. And as you live longer and look back, you learn that one never learns even how often history repeats itself. It does, really. You go through the same cycle thinking that this time, you would do something else based from the past, you would or would not do it again. Along the way, if you stop and think, it's just the cycle all over again.

I never learn.
It is always easier for a child. With no worries and woes, with no preconceived notions. Ignorance is bliss, innocence a blessing. Filled with ideals and aspirations, a child looks at the world with hope and wonder. Happiness and contentment, easily attained. Friendships mean friendships. Relationships, never questioned and just accepted. When an infant is hungry, it cries. When it is full, it burps and falls asleep eventually. When it wets, it cries. When it's time to do what it has to do, then it does it and it is done. And in this cycle of life, in the end when we revert back and become a child once again, we all do the same things. Only this time, we are not as happy and content. Tears roll down our eyes as memories flash back. A mother breastfeeding a child, although however burdened some may be always have the joy within. The child that once was spoonfeeding the aged mother burdened, hopefully never lose the joy within.

Life's cycle. The things we should learn along the way.

I never learn.
I go through the same cycles over and over again. I've gone through my cycles thrice and still, I have never learned from the past two.

The cycle will not stop until I learn. I can't stop until the last breath.

I better learn then.

Feng Shui.

So let's try it out. Change the orientation of all the doors going in. Never mind the plasters and forego with the aesthetics.

Down The Hill

Yesterday was the very first day since I got back that I felt I did not accomplish any task although I actually did. I finally set up the webcam pages that were missing. The turn of events just dragged my spirits to the pits. First, I had problems with Yahoo uploading the webcam. Then, about lunchtime, the network server just went poofed. It was downhill after that. I couldn't concentrate. My eyes were starting to feel puffy, I felt so icky that I wanted to jump in the shower or probably a nice hot bath in the jacuzzi would have served me better. The DSL tech came to check up on the modem and stayed till the evening loitering all over the house. He was so nosy to a point that I almost lost my cool. He wasn't really too irritating and it was just his nature considering that he's one of those less fortunate and didn't have enough education. Specialized in what he does but he not really knowing much about how the technology works together as a whole. What is better? Jack of all trades and a master of none or the other way around?

By nightfall, I realized that I was suffering from PMS. Not again! PRIMROSE OIL, I need some primrose oil. Better yet, how about some prozac? While I was staring at the ceiling, thoughts about how times have changed passed by. How the decisions I made in the past seem to be the wrong ones considering with what was happening to the world now ... mine included. I am just left correcting now or trying, at least to get by. Guilt.

Mom, for one has always been good at making me feel guilty. Everytime she thinks out loud about the time that the building I am currently occupying was for sale and I actually said that there really wasn't a point in buying it since we were in the process of immigrating to Canada. For one, she wasn't liquid and was contemplating on borrowing from the bank. I knew that all I had to say at that moment is go ahead but I did not. So everytime she tells that story over and over again, she just makes me feel guilty more and more. As a matter of fact, she's repeating the same story now that my contract has expired.

And so I stare at my beroom ceiling as she stares at the living room's ceiling. She again tells the same stories over and over again. She asks me why she listened to me? Why she renovated our ancestral house? She's stuck with higher realty tax, higher maintenance cost while the economy is just getting worse and so with my business. Again, it seems that I am to blame. And so I stare at my bedroom ceiling as she seems to make some sense.

What am I going to do now?

There are no good TV shows that can keep my eyes glued on the idiot box. All the good shows are gone. Even the music is nothing extraordinary. There really is nothing so new or so fresh.

THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

Duh

Is there any hope for stupid people? Is stupidity a valid excuse?

Duh ...

And So With Everythingelse In The End

What TODAY holds ...
TOMORROW brings
YESTERDAY IS GONE.

To Do or Not To Do

I'm doing pretty good with my TO DO LIST. Or at least I'm getting things however trivial and petty they are ... DONE. Yesterday, I finally finished retouching the pictures from Canada. This morning, I've updated my dive logs.

Checklist 101

1 DOGS
1.1 Dog Book Library
1.2 Spay/Neuter List
1.3 Interview Questionaire
1.4 Budget, Show and Ad
1.5 Update Database
1.6 Website Update

2 THE ARTS
2.1 Database, Photo and Film
2.2 Video Logs and Edit
2.3 Transfer Photos to Albums
2.4 Print Photos
2.5 Read Workbooks and Manuals
2.6 Sign-Up for Workshops
2.7 Shoot and Paint

3 ARTS VENUE
3.1 Survey
3.2 Gather Information
3.3 Hold Meetings
3.4 Analyze Systems and Procedures, Organizational Chart
3.5 Restructure, Reorganize and Retrain

Balance

Through the course of my lifetime, I have played hard and worked hard with much passion. I learned along the way. Some of which experience taught me well, others experience polished. Generally, those who go to school spend two decades of their lives in it. Well, there are of course the less fortunate ones who never went to school and the more unfortunate ones who decided to drop out and be a drop out of society as well. There are those who continue on forever searching, learning and glued to printed paper perhaps ... the scholars, professors who miss out on one half of the whole deal living their life vicariously through someone else's experiences. Not all we learn, we remember and as we grow older, we do forget a lot of things that we've tucked away. They are there and that's what makes us unique. And underneath all these is CHANGE ... the changes we all go through that which always lead to refinement whether it be for the good or for worse. It is finetuned. When one chooses to be a con man, his skills get polished too. It's just a matter of the old cliche, the battle between good and bad ... yin and yang ... day and night ... black and white.

Balance.

It is when no matter how ugly, unfair and terrible the situation may be ... one sees the beauty of it all as how good and wonderful it really is in the end. Everything falls into its proper places. After every storm, although how wicked or how high the tsunamis get ... everything settles down and there's always the sun shining through.

God bless us all.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Since 1988, everytime that plane landed whether it be Canada or the Philippines, I always had the same ol' feeling of coming home. It's like the good-to-be-home-kinda thing which I also get the same kind of feeling when I take the first step off the bus or the subway when it hits my stop in Manhattan.

It's odd that for the first time I am feeling homesick and miss the Maple Leaf and exactly what I miss, I can not put a finger on it. I have never felt this way before.

Hmmm ...

Decades

Ten years! A decade has passed.

I've been around for four and a half decades, 2 have been spent during the night time. Twenty two years, well twenty three almost. I'd say three years from now during the silver year, I should be fully retired from this kind of lifestyle. It's just but the right time to go on semi-retirement now. For the past two decades I have been awake at night till the sun rises. I dreaded the sun like a vampire. And like a vampire, I did not age so much except for the dark rings in my eyes. My complexion too ... I was spared from pollution and no traffic. I enjoyed the night life, partying while working and working while partying. I met people from different walks of life ... more or less where more is more and less is less, and nothing but average. Dreamers, losers, winners and achievers I brush elbows with and tossed glasses, brushed cheeks and indulged in chit-chat, shared visions and forever dreamt ...

Happy times. Fun times. The ups always were more than the downs. I felt with passion. I was alive and lived through the fullest. Thank you, Lord for making my life worth living.

Today is the official day that I am operating without a contract on my lease.

'twas GOOD!

What did I do today?

I HAD A GOOD LAUGH. Marcial, our driver was filling up the tank at the gas station. While waiting, this gasoline attendant-female went up to the van's side mirror at the driver's side. She looked at her reflection up close then started making faces. The van's windows were tinted one way so she didn't know that there were people inside watching her. She continued on and started pricking blackheads or whatever on her nose for a good five minutes. Rem and I were cracking up watching her.

I HAD GOOD COFFEE. We met up with Karen at Starbucks. The cappuccino I ordered wasn't very good but the coffee jelly was. Oh yeah, the other day over at UCC Vienna Cafe, I had a good meal: Chicken Terriyake Eggplant Sandwich, one of my favorites. Rem and I tried out this Pod Thai, it was good enough. Everything tastes good when one is hungry. I didný much like dinner though except Mom was sweet enough to buy me some fresh greens. I miss my salads. I feel I am gaining weight again. I haven't been physical since I got back. Need to sweat and stop eating again.

Inventories

Spent the whole day retouching the underwater photos I took during our last dive. Saturday, I spent the whole morning organizing the photos and negatives. I'm still missing my old negatives file. I wonder where it has gone to? Astral, maybe. That's one other thing that should be included in my TO DO LIST. But that's not so important. It's just a matter of getting things in order in terms of my music library. The things one accumulates or acquire throughout one's lifespan, eh.

I should do an inventory of some sort and draw up my will.

Go With The Flow ... In Traffic

A whole day in traffic! We started out as early as 8 AM to pick up Gina and an hour and a half later, we finally got to her place. Then off we went to Art's and we get there for another hour and a half. We surveyed the place, had lunch and left at 12:30 NN thinking that traffic since it's lunchbreak shouldn't be so bad. Off to the kennels we went with no traffic should only be forty five minutes to an hour. By the time we got there, we were pooped from the heat. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go that the air-conditioning system just didn't cope up with it. AAARRRGGGHHH! We did our rounds as to what needed touch-ups and repairs after cooling down. At 4PM, we were on the road again to meet up with Karen at the Fort area. Well, we ended up at UCC two and a half hours later and decided to have dinner. We finally got home close to 10 PM. Traffic is really horrible these days. There's no such thing as rush hour anymore. It seems that even in the wee hours of the morning, it's still a stop and go situation and never a free flow. And it's not going to improve come Christmas season.

I finally proofed the photos I took the last dive. There are some very nice shots, I was surprised actually. "Gee, I took that?" It just makes me want to go diving again and take more shots. Today, when I woke up I decided to organize the film negatives and positives. Ideas are hovering mad. Do oil painting with some of KQ's underwater shots and have a side by side exhibit. Also an exhibit of dogs and marine life as in "Paws-N-Fins". Or maybe, start compiling the photos into portfolios. Enlarge some of them. Publish.

Toffee's and Zoom's documents arrived. All these ... everything seems to be falling into place. Signs. Signs. Signs. It's about the right time, I suppose. Go with the flow. Expend energy and expand. Live. And thank you for the blessings, Lord!

Need I Say More?

Awesome! Great! Wonderful! Pleasant! Most relaxing! Most Fulfilling! Most satisfying!

I had fun diving! We broke our own record!!! 121 minutes for one dive! The four dives we did were all over 60 minutes! It is just so nice to be diving in warm water again with gear that you are really comfortable with. This is also the first time I was serious with my macro photography. It's actually just the second time I held a still camera doing macro but I consider this first because this is actually the first time that I wasn't at all concerned about other things like bouyancy ... sharks ... trigger fish ... I was just drifting wherever there was anything of interest to the eye and making the shot. It wasn't even point and shoot ... It was really gratifying!

Now if we can only do this more often. We know what that means, don't we?

Our gain, their lost.

I just found out that Guia and Kate won't be joining us for the dive tomorrow. And Karen hasn't called. It's just us then.

Yeah!

Goin' DIVIN'!!! Goin' DIVIN'!!! All the bags (or should I say pelican cases) are packed and ready to go! For the last three days actually, I have been getting the gears ready. Camera, video and batteries included, they are all charged. My gadgets are also organized for some serious shoots. All I have to do is get my ass on the road. I'm going to try underwater photography this dive with the Nikon N70/Ikelite casing. We were supposed to have gone today 'cept I postponed it for tomorrow since three computer technicians are scheduled to come today and get the computers workin' again. Plus, we're actually suppose to be diving with Karen who supposedly have arrived last Saturday but hasn't gotten in touch with us. We're going anyways, with or without her TOMORROW. So there, I'm still doing my TO DO LIST.

I can't get a hold of Gina, my architect. DANG!!!

My box hasn't arrived yet. FedEX package came too but it's not Toffee's papers. We're now officially CKC bonafide members. I hope the next one is Toffee's so I can register him already. He's managed to lock himself with Latte. Spice is currently on heat and Vanilla will be, too ... soon. I really hope the three bitches get pregnant. It's about time! Is it just wonderful that Toffee came and all three bitches just went on heat. They must all think Toffee is something!

Jess, my dog trainer showed up today. I haven't gone down to entertain him. He's been here since this morning. Should I or shouldn't I? Oh, Cris finally picked up Drums and says she'll come back for Dulci. Now Pam, I know wants a Groen and so with Teody. Both are dog lovers BUT ...

REFRESH

Renovate. Revamp. Reorganize. Retrain.

Do I want to re-invest my lifetime savings tucked away for my retirement? As a matter of fact, I want to add more to it. When is enough ENOUGH? Three choices: Re-invest by taking a RISK with my lifetime savings. Borrow from mother or bank ... borrow back money I gave mother in the past. Both ways, I would still be paying interest. Or simply just ask mother ... I haven't done that. Everybody else seems to be leeching off her. Tsk! Nah! Another choice is to get investors willing to be partners. Can I work with partners? Hmmm ...

I need to sit down and brainstorm with my architect. I need to sit down with the franchise guys again. I need to hold meetings ... set-up staff and conduct interviews along with job performance evaluations. I need to definitely let go of some people and hire more efficient, competent personnel. Most of all, I need to get my butt off this chair and start doing the things I need to do.

These are the things I have to do in order to do the things in my List of Things To Do.

It's a mess. The other stuff in my list also require if not the same amount of other stuff to get done. For me to exhibit my works, I need to log and edit my existing raw footages of video. I need to shoot more footages. I need to set up the darkroom. I need to go on shoots. I need to start painting again. I need to learn how to use the video editing softwares and the other enhancement tools too.

As for the dogs, I need to finish my website so that I can post all the necessary details, requirements and pre-requisites in downsizing my kennel operations. Just as well as the organizations I want to set-up as in agility and the ABCD, I. I need to get my files organized.

And to do all these ... I need TIME.

How much time do I have?

I also need TIME to KEEP FIT, STAY HEALTHY to do all these things too.

Time management.

Kill Over

A blood pressure of 90 over 60 is normal, for me. It can be like 80 over 50 and I'm just a little bit dizzy but it's not like I'm about ready to faint or kill over. At 100 over 70 which is normal to a lot of people, I would consider a bit on the high side. Then I would be irritable, sleepy and would have dizzy spells. At 110 over 70, I feel pressure happening in my nape and my eyes feel like popping out. Over 80, my jaws would be like becoming stiff and am a bit nauseous by then. At 120 over 80, man ... it's migraines galore with pumping action combined with all the other discomforts. If it rises any more, I would kill over.

Cash Flow Is Low, Ya Hear!

I heard gossip two days ago: The reason why Cob Kennels is no longer showing its dogs is because the Belgians have not been winning. Dog people are funny. Somehow, a lot of them don't have a life outside the dog world. And yes, they are the affluent ones and with no worries. They devote their life to the dogs. So they indulge in gossip.

Cash flow is low. Showing is expensive, guys. Cob Kennels don't have the extra cash to show at the moment.

Jim sent me an email which was quite ... hmmm ... It was about GETTING A LIFE. About living your life. Which is actually what I'm doing but somehow ... when cash flow is low, one need to work on it. Why can't life be simpler and why are some people able to live their life the way they do ... I don't know ...

My migraine is acting up. I can feel pressure in my nape. I went to bed with a headache and I woke up, still with the headache.

Cash Flow Is Low

One of my biggest expenditures are my dogs and the maintenance of the kennels. I have to work on my website. I need to downsize the kennels. I need to fix the kennels. Cash flow is low.

If I close down my business and semi-retire, the kennels are going to eat up my life's savings. I need to reduce my kennel operations. I need to at least make some money from the kennels. God, I detest puppymillers and backyard breeders! Cash flow is low.

All these signs ... Yeah, yeah ...
1
Power Mac G4 not starting up. Apparently, the boot disk crashed. AARRGGHH! There's a bad sector in the hard disk. Allan, whom I bought the hard disk from is not returning my calls. Joseph pulled it out and would try to recover the hard drive and I have not heard from him yet. And so, I have not touched the Mac. The thought of reinstalling all the software programs again and whatever files I had in the crashed HD just drives me nutty.
2
The Acetech Windows 2000 with the Pinnacle Editing System too is not booting up. Jonathan came yesterday to reinstall. I'm still waiting for the techs from the wireless network and the Adobe/Pinnacle guys to set the computer back to its state before I left last Spring. The zip drive is also malfunctioning and needs to be pulled out.
3
The missing box. How can I set-up the darkroom when all of the manuals and guidebooks are in the missing box? Not to mention, the software manuals for video editing are also in there, like Final Cut Pro 4!!! How can I get started on weightlifting when the Soloflex straps are also in the box? Sure, I can buy but it's a waste of money. Cash flow is low.
4
Renovate, my lessor advices. My mother says "Great, one less worry. I can sleep now." Maybe she can, but I can't. I need to renovate but where am I going to get the funding? Cash flow is low.
5
Embark on Cool Dogs project. Things are falling into place ... I see it. I see the signs but, but ... Franchise Cool Dogs. Franchise AV. Cash flow is low.

I'm In The Dark ... in the darkroom, I am ... In The Dark ...

I bought a new Canon i950 Photo Printer two days ago. I tried out the HP 130 PhotoSmart and it was great. I wanted one that would print borderless 8 x 10. That way I can proof the lay-out design of the ads I do. I can also print up the photos I took before in the manner that I want it, touched up or in most cases, turn bad photos into artwork. I intend to do a portfolio and eventually exhibit. I was even contemplating on visiting my Alma Mater and scrounge through their files for the works I did while I was in school. A few years back, I heard from Amay who went to the same school that my photos were exhibited in the university library. Apparently, the university professors have a high opinion of my works back then. I did a photo journal of black and white portraits from shoot to developing to enlargements. One of the probable reason why the portraits I took are still being exhibited is because some of them were taken at the Smokey Mountain which is now all but a memory. I would have to love a copies of them. Somehow, I don't know whatever happened to the negatives. With the technology today, I could of course scan the originals and produce copies. It would be great to exhibit them myself now.

In the missing box are photography books and manuals. It's still missing. There's a couple of books about setting up a dark room. Is it another sign?

I have to set my priorities. I have a To Do List which of course, I am trying very hard to do. I have a tendency to get sidetracked, totally immersed with whatever occupies me at the moment with such passion. I have a knack for details that I sometimes forget to look at the big picture. I get carried away until I get bored and move on. I like beginnings ... starting something but not really finishing it in a straight line. I have a tendency to beat around the bush, get confused even if Im the one who's making the point and get lost in my own ideas. I don't really much care about what people think about me, I just go about being me and as long as I feel good then everything is just fine. I try hard to please and be responsible for obligations bestowed upon me. I have always questioned the role I feel I have to play in this world. It's not at all pleasant. Teaching, training and sharing ... I majored in Communications Arts and I do have not just the talent, it's been a polished skill from experience. That is one of my greatest gift and the many blessings. Only thing is, I've burnt out and losing patience ... Please God, give me the strength and stay in me ...

I Want My Box!

That's three checked. Actually four since I also met up with Dave already. I got the inside scoop of what's happening on his end re Diveshoppe. Cool Dogs may just be on its way too. And on Monday, we're going warm-water diving. I organized the underwater photo and video equipments and sorted them out while my significant other already prepped the scuba gears.

We've lost seven dogs this year already (Mocha, Xylo, Berry, Rhumba, Samba, Techno and Sugar). Cob is on its 10th year. Most of our dogs are over 5 years old. Twenty pecent are like over 8. Sharpei don't live long. 8 years and above is considered long. Most of them pass away at 5 on the average. Some even younger, as early as two years old. Thirty percent are Sharpei and they're all past 5 ...

Now this is a bomber! We shipped out two boxes from while we were away and we're missing one that has all my computer and dog books, scuba weights and soloflex straps ... lotsa dog chews and dog treats. I wonder if there's still hope of retrieving them. I need the soloflex strap to be able to start on my fitness program. Hmmm ... I did say yes to Kate about playing badminton with them. That's a thought. There's another sign right there!

Please, please God! I want my box!

The Chinese Way Of Doing Business

I met up with my lessor today.

GOOD AND BAD.

Mom came with me. It's good for old people to be around when talking to old people. It's bad because even if you're past 40 and menopausal, in their eyes, you are but a child. Old people understand each other. They are from the same generation, more or less. They speak the same language. They share the same values and traditions, more or less.

MORE OR LESS.

"You're like family," my lessor says. LIKE family. "We don't need a contract," he adds. "Families don't have contracts. You are like my daughter. We've been doing business for over twenty years now."

And the old folks chitter-chatter. Babbles about their kids, their worries, the hard times. They talk about health. They reminisce and talk about the good ol' days. And they never talk about what we actually set out to talk about in the first place. And everytime I opened my mouth, it was the same time both started on their chitter-chatter about the good ol' days.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

I'm getting old. When my mother and I got out of the meeting, we had our blood pressure checked. Mine was up. But hey, I'm still a child. If I'm getting old, my mother is older.

BTW, need to do a bit of correction. Just for the record, my significant other and I made the commitment on my 40th birthday. So, it's actually just four years and not five. What's been confusing me in my mind ... ONLY IN MY MIND is IN HER MIND, we were just fooling around. She might have been just fooling around BUT I, on the other hand ... well, anyways ... having been together since back then, there's nobody fooling around ... or at least, for the time that we've spent together ... it's definitely more than just fooling around. So we're actually five and a half years going on four, something like that. And if there's a fool, it's certainly neither one of us but someone else somewhere out there, I suppose ...

It's definiely not me.

It wasn't me in the first place.

I was IN LOVE and still AM IN LOVE.

AWWW ... heehee.

How One Actually Forgets What One Has Written Previously

I really don't understand. Really. I don't. Two of my computers - those intended for video editing are not starting up: The Power Mac G4, mind you ... the one I loaded up with 6 x 120HD's and maxed the RAM MEM is not booting at all. I turn on the power and the apple logo shows with this circle below that just keeps on going in circles. The other one that runs on Windows 2000 just keeps saying "Windows is starting ..." BUT IT IS NOT!!! It actually started the first night I got back but I updated to Service Pack 4 then hit cancel. What I don't understand is I unplugged all the power to make sure that nobody touches these computers and mess ém up while I'm gone. Nobody - I am sure touched these two computers so why aren't they starting up? When I got back from my winter sojourn, all I did was beef up all the computers in the house. I wanted to log all the videos, all the music in my audio library and yes, organize and update ALL my files. For one, I wanted to work on my raw footages and do some editing for submission to the Vancouver Film Fest or ... whatever ... like maybe when there's some sort of contest going on ... like the last time - National Geographic or something ... At least, I'm ready and I would have something decent to submit. When I left this spring, all the computers were set up and working. Too bad, I never had the chance to work on them. After a week, two of them were already malfunctioning in terms of the wireless network connection. But what I really don't understand is how a computer would just not function when nobody even used it ... or uses it? Or why, why does it have to be the the beefed-up ones that act up? I have the dinky dinosaur IBM 200MHZ - MMX, mind you that I have not touched since Y2K was the buzz word and it's still working! Hmmm ...

IS IT A SIGN?

BIG SIGH :(

And ... I was blogging ... and the power just went off and lost what I've already typed so far.

IS IT ANOTHER SIGN?

BIG BIG SIGH :(

It's amazing when you've written something ... how one actually forgets what one has written previously if it was lost - like because of power failure ... One can not really rewrite it exactly the way it was first written. Unless, of course, there is a hard copy available. Even if sometimes you've finished whatever - right ... like when you go over it and start editing ... It's never quite the same. It's like when you're taking a quiz or a test. You've answered everything and go back to the ones you've missed like when you're unsure of the answer. So you start guessing and then you go through everything and end up changing your mind. In the end, you end up with the wrong answer when in the first place, if you didn't change it - it would have been right and you get check marks for correct answers instead of "X" for wrong ones.

AAAARRGGGHHH!

Maybe ... just maybe, these are signs.

:(

Nah! She Can't Be Dying Soon.

The first thing she said to me was how fat I was. Those taking care of her probably just wish and the reason why she wasn't eating is because she just didn't want to be a burden and thinks it's best to speed it up a bit by refusing to eat.

The eleven dogs are out of danger. The neighbor did not really step out of bounds. All is well with just a few minor inconveniences. The kennels need some touch-up work. It has been over five years anyways.

We went around trying to spot spaces for lease. One of my business competitor shut down. So much so for franchising my business. That didn't work out for my competitor. The place has a sign up for lease. The space I was interested in last year is for lease again. The company the lessors decided to award it to didn't last very long. Business is really bad. I'm meeting with my current lessor early this week. One wonders how that will turn out? Two of my biggest worries weren't anything major. My aunt is still very much coherent. The chlorinated dogs survived the crucial two weeks. The neighbor who allegedly used my fence as the walls to their house did not really use my fence. It's just that their roof touched the fence of which their point of contention is that I surpassed the demarkation marker in the lot boundaries. Nothing to it. I just have to vuild the fence higher, maybe 6 feet more so that they would have no ventilation and toast. Turn bad to something good, well ... touch up the canine haven while doing the fence. Repaint the kennels or whatver needs additional coating. The roof, too, needs work as well as other stuff. Maybe, I will celebrate my birthday over there this year which would also be my significant other's and mine, our fifth year together.

Things To Do List:

1. Visit my aunt.
2. Check out AsoCasa (the neighbor and all the dogs specially the ones that were chlorinated).
3. Appointment with lessor of my business establishment.
4. Anniversary preps.
5. Retrain staff.
6. Set-up new endeavor: Cool Dogs!
7. Downsize kennel and find good homes for dogs not to be used for breeding.
8. Catalog video and photos. Log and edit for submission to various agencies or organizations.
9. Shoot. Set up darkroom: Black & white photography. GOAL: exhibit works.
10. Attend painting workshops.
11. Exercise. Keep fit.
12. DIVE!!! Dive and shoot!
13. TRAVEL: El Nido. Bohol. Cebu. Thailand. Micronesia. Indonesia. Malaysia. Bali. Australia. And all the great divesites all over.
14. Train dogs. Set-up ABCD and get into agility.
15. Franchise existing business.

GET BUSY! GET PRODUCTIVE! ENJOY LIFE!

Oh yes,
the continuation
but ...
I already finished my blog for today.

Server error,
God's blessing.
I was interrupted,
tapped by Him.

It happens.

It's not shIT all the time.

I'm so, so, sooo very full ...

I'm happy now.

Forget about my blog today.

Blink

How things change in a blink:

The clock struck twelve and I was still up, I knew right there and then, the day ahead is going to be a shitty one. We had to get going by seven in the morning to avoid the bumper to bumper rush going downtown. We had to be at Tinseltown before eight and try to get the PRC picked up before nine to catch our Final Cut Pro class at West Broadway. Well, for one, I totaly forgot about the PRC thing when I paid and booked the class. As a recourse, well ... our Edmonton visitor can keep mom company, I assumed but of course, she is on vacation, has a life and ... had plans of her own. :(

So, there I was ... stressed out with heart burn from piggin' out instead of stayin' at home, relaxed with the usual routine. My God, we even had to rush feeding the dogs at eleven at night! And when we snuck back at home (because somebody forgot the present for the birthday celebrant) ... of course, the dogs let in by the old ladies in the basement unsupervised (it was raining hard and so the ladies' thought it was mean of us to leave them outside) ... Dogs being dogs, left to their own devices, chewed on whatever there was to chew on which I had to clean up. Dogs have fur and as I recall, the breeds we have have waterproof coats plus an undercoat to boot. Oh well ... whatever ...

Half past midnight, I had to get back up and online. People from the islands should have faxed the Import Permits two days ago! I have been sending text messages and NADA ... NOTHING ...

One other thing... there's the Guiguinto problem again. Not the dogs this time but the hood is back!!! Oh, yeah... it's September. It was September 25, 5 years ago when my neighbors complained about the kennels. This time, the lot next door decided to build a house and used our fence as the walls in their house.

And yes of course, Manila was trying to fax me until about 1:30 am. I was awake at 5:30 am. Four hours of sleep. That's enough to make me grouchy all day today.

Now to continue with MY BLOGDAY TODAY (which I keep getting interrupt ...ed) ...

The long wait is over.

Just a few more days. Four months have passed, almost. I am very relaxed with minor inconveniences ... Actually, it's like a year and a half that I've just been picking my ass, wondering what to do and wandering aimlessly. It's clearer now, at least. It's just a matter of doing it, whatever it is I somehow decided on. A lot of hard work ahead. It's not going to be easy. But hey, I might have fun along the way, eh. How about that?

It's funny, the things I planned on doing while I'm waiting ... things I thought I would do to pass the time, I never got to really sit down and do it. Like I lagged along 2 external hard-drives that needed organizing but somehow, never really sat down long enough. I tried but there's this feelin of I'm missing out on something if I just sit in front of my monitor skin. What have I accomplished? Well, 10 lbs. ... at least, I lost 10 lbs. from walking the dogs and biking. I also sort of managed to keep the house clean and... even my mom is kind of picking up on the "clean as you go" principle however she does not really clean very well. She bitches about cleaning very well tho'.

So whatelse? Cold water diving is nothing compared to warm water diving. And am taking computer classes right and left. Spent a lot of money too but hey, what the heck? The raeson why you work hard and save is so that you can be able to afford things you want ... you can't take the money to the grave. So, I still think howevermuch my mom, of course nags me... What good is money you have when you don't get to enjoy on spending it, eh?

The Weather

Nobody seems to be blogging these past few days. It must the weather.

Coming and Going

Recently, I was just talking about an aunt of mine who took care of me between the ages 8 onwards. Yesterday, she crossed my mind but I chose not to mention anything about her in the conversation I was having. Today, she again was in my thoughts.

I just found out that her time is almost up and just waiting. I would very much like to go visit for one last time.

It's sad how people come and go in one's life. At certain phases, you spend 24/7 with them to a point that they drive you crazy and as you move on, others come while the ones previously where always there fade away. And you kinda take for granted sometimes when they are far away and you go about doing your thing as you so please until it's too late to do anything about lost times ... could have's, should have's and what if's.

The pain never goes away, it remains just tucked somewhere in the inner recesses of one's soul.

Decayed

Ten years from now, I will just be living of interests (HAHA!) or maybe, royalties from ART's V franchise stores and a number of Cool Dogs' branches local and international, eh.

I can dream, can't I? SURE, I CAN!

Reachable Only As I Wish

Less than two years from now, I will take it easy ... basking out in the sun, snoozing during the midafternoon breeze and at dusk, watching sunsets with my loved and cherished one. I will wake up to glorious days of fresh air, cool breeze and warmth of my beloved. Some days we will go down under, some days taking beautiful postcard pictures somewhere ... other days, simply making music together. Of course, four-legged friends tagging along or maybe, out in the field indulging in some kind of dog activity. Diving in different places. Travelling from time to time. Check trustworthy, responsible and reliable people who takes care of the businesses once in awhile. Also, by this time ... I should no longer be an amateur photographer and videographer as well as, my significant other ... would have published her photographs, too if not her coffee table book. Stress-free ...

reachable only as I wish.

My Dream.

Canadian, EH!

The Dream

The unspoken dream, not in parts ... are we ready or not?

Dream, Dream, Dream ...

The unspoken dream, not in parts this time ...

Red Roses for the Unspoken Dream!

And yes, I made sure. I ran down the patio stairs out the backyard door into the front to look at my mom's rose bush garden. It dawned on me that people arond here do have rose bush gardens, my mom and Mom Lets too by the way. Yesterday, mom asked me to drop off Brunn cakes for them but as I was pulling up the cul de sac, at the curb-there they were in their car headed for our house. So, I just handed them over the cake as they pulled up closer. Then after that, I turned around and went back home never having the chance to walk up their doorstep to notice Mom Lets rose bush garden and what color they were. My mom's are pink and kinda yellowish, somehow with a blend of like pink but not the bright yellow sunflowers are. So there you go ...

RED ROSES.

The Sign

RED ROSES! RED ROSES! RED ROSES!!!

As I was stepping over the barrier from the kitchen going to the patio door, I accidentally focused on my neighbor's stairs and stemming out from the steps were red roses in full bloom. I rushed and looked at them more closely. It's a full branch filled with red roses in bloom while the two other bunches were all dried, withered and brown. How about that? Thank You for the sign, thank You for the blessings!!!

The Silent Wish

Red Roses for the unspoken dream. White for peace, a fresh start and new life. Yellow to stay ... rooted and stable.

It's either is or neither nor.

The quiet and inner peace do not suffice the rage provoked by selfish, careless stupidity. The trial and tribulations that befall one's dignity testing strength of character, the inner struggle between right and wrong ... good and bad ... is the way things are. The end never justify the means. It's just a matter of getting there. Even where does not matter in the end. It's either is or neither nor.

In Threes ...

When it rains, it pours as the saying goes ... they come in threes ...
1. The teaspoon.
2. The contract.
3. The chlorine.

I know I asked myself if I wanted to go back to my old life (August 16, 2003).

And as I have always reminded myself - that things fall into place when you wait long enough (or rather procastinate) ... especially when you need to make a decision and you just keep on sitting on it, sleeping on it or WHATEVER!!! Eventually, fate creeps in ... it just forces you to act howevermuch you try avoiding making major decisions. Or at least, that's how it has always been for me. Somehow, things come up and kinda push me ... then it becomes a shove along the way ... and it just keeps going on and on until I take that big step, making the decision and following up on it ... And you know what, when I sometimes kinda make a decision but not quite and it's not the right one, things happen ...

Like now for instance ... first, it was the teaspoon ... then, the forgotten contract ... now, the chlorinated dogs ...

ANALYZE THAT

It's time to move on, for one. I know that BUT WHERE to, that seems to be the problem. I like it here, where I am now but as to what to do here - THAT IS the problem. If I am to stay here, at 43 - WILL I STILL BE ABLE TO ESTABLISH A CAREER AND BE SUCCESSFUL OR ... I DON'T KNOW, MAN! And so, maybe going back and forth. THE UNSPOKEN DREAM. It was afterall, sitting at the back of my mind. Iron out the rough spots, fix loopholes, give it one last try, go with the flow, start fresh and move on. On Monday, a check is appropriate in the checkbox of list of things to do - one major loophole. Another two to follow that which will take time, my significant other's. Meanwhile, as I watched the grass grow, I made up my mind that once and for all, give my dirty biz one good scrub when I get back. If all else fails, at least, I did something and maybe it would be enough for my mother to finally let go and that she gives me her blessings to move on. I know I need to go back to do this ... It doesn't mean I want to go back to my old life. I don't, I really don't. And that is why I asked myself, remember? But to stress me out with the forgotten contract!!! I am going back. I will tie loose ends, okay? I know my responsibilities and obligations. Not that I really want to face up to it ... but I WILL, OKAY? If only YOU, UP THERE CAN MAKE IT EASIER ... PLEASE ... SHOW ME A SIGN ... like how about red roses to let me know I am on the right track?

Daydreaming once again ... Nice thoughts of travelling wherever and whenever, I very much look forward to ... PALAU, MICRONESIA, MALAYSIA, THAILAND, MEXICO, CARRIBEAN, SOUTH AMERICA, AUSTRALIA, EUROPE, AFRICA AND EVEN THE PHILIPPINES ... I'm really set to semi-retire. I also decided together with my significant other to spend more time with the dogs, diminish the number of dogs we keep and find good homes for them ... show less ... spend less ...

Downsize ... a process of letting go roots in the homeland ...

UPROOT AND JUST GO ... wherever and whenever ...

Travel light, no excess baggage please ... the meaning of life.

DREAMS

THE teaSPOON TAUGHT ME A NUMBER OF THINGS: I will not do very well as a caretaker. No matter how hard I've tried nor try, my mother will not ... will never change. She is far too old. I just have to accept that. And it's even going to get worse. I also now know that what causes me unhappiness is the role that she obliges me to play. I can not really be happy if I continue to depend on another human being's own happiness. I can not forever try to please my loved ones so as to be happy myself ... I can only be happy from within.

Among other things, I can not be with my mother 24/7. I once remember her saying to me - "You can not be with someobody 24 hours day. It is not good and it is not wise. You will just hurt each other. Relationships don't work that way." And it seems, THAT too she has forgotten.

THE CONTRACT, well ... the contract. It just SIMPLY SLIPPED my head. UNIMPORTANT. But we know, contracts are important. But of course, since last year, I've been wanting to give the biz up. Of course, I agreed not to let it go precisely because of the uncertainty and ... yeah, "What will I do?", my mother asked me in retrospect ... and I succumbed.

My dogs ... I have been procastinating when I should be doing interviews and finding good homes for them. And so, one by one ... and today, eleven almost went away. It hurts, I am ... hurting soooo baaaad. Maybe, it's really time to move on.

But where?

Repentance

Everything's kinda back to normal... Mom and I are in speaking terms and so the silence is... I am also officially back to smoking. I quit for a month and a half. I also stopped walking the dogs in the morning, also stopped biking for the simple reason that I am staying up late ... ergo, waking up late so half the day is gone and I don't have to deal with my mother repeating over and over again like a broken record ... stuff. Sometimes, it's even stuff I told her that she repeats back to me forgetting that it was me who told her in the first place. Bad, bad combination... one is menopausal and the other one is losing her memory ...

It's funny how fate sometimes plays tricks on you. I hugged her before I went off to go diving last Sunday. Well, I really didn't want to go without at least hugging her cause diving has risks ... it's like I don't want to end up dead and my mother cursing me still. But she on the other hand pushed me away as I was hugging her. So, fine! I immersed myself under 54 degrees fahrenheit of cold water to cool off. Of course, we were gone for like a whole day and so as we went home very, very tired... mind you, after carrying 30lbs of weights plus tank and the very uncomfortable hood, etc, etc, etc ... We came home to a house smelling like shit. Mom was grumbling as she was mopping the floor! The three dogs pooed. Now if that doesn't break the ice, I don't know what else will. So after that, everything was back to normal and Mom had a good chuckle. She's got a wicked sense of humour, I tell you.

Now for repentance, we were very tired. I showered and as I was crawling into bed, Mom comes knocking on the door asking me to wait up for a relative who was coming over ... At 10:30 close to midnight! Hello!!! And you think it ends there? NAH! We patiently waited for them to finish eating, packed them all the leftovers in the fridge and brought them to the train station. Of course, on our way back, I was falling asleep on the wheel. As I was going up the stairs towards my bedroom, Mom comes out ... "The train stopped and asked all the passengers to go down. Poor people in a strange land. Please ... " And so, Rem and I looked at each other ... Poor people? I sure hope she was referring to us. Tsk.

Repentance.

With all the sacrifices, I passed up on my Hail Mary's and Our Father's ... God has His ways and He's got some sense of humour. Yeah, right!

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:

1. It's amazing, really. How I can tell the approximate time by the way the shadows are in our backyard. I've been sitting out there for quite a while now, watching the grass grow. Heehee.

FACT: ZOOM GOT BITTEN BY A BEE.

2. There's a reason why I stay out of the kitchen. Actually, not just a reason but a couple of reasons. Unless it's time to eat or like when one feels the need to invade the fridge. For one, I never really liked heat. The kitchen is the hottest place in a house ... the stove, the oven and yeah, there's radiation too. I also don't like burns especially the blisters that come along in that package. So, why would I like subject myself in situations where I can burn myself, if not the whole house down? I also stay out of the kitchen because, for one, I am on the clumsy side. I know that. And in the kitchen, there are fragile stuff like glasses, plates ... God knows how many coffee makers I have broken. I also don't like grease, hardened sauces and oil ... I am oily as it is. Now, considering all these, there's a reason why I stay away from the kitchen and I certainly did not throw the teaspoon ... I also hate doing dishes.

FACT: I DID NOT THROW THE TEASPOON IN THE TRASH CAN.

So there ...

I DID NOT THROW THE TEASPOON IN THE TRASH CAN!

i did not throw the teaspoon in the trash can.
I did not throw the teaspoon in the trash can.
I DID NOT THROW THE TEASPOON IN THE TRASH CAN.

Yours Could Be Worse!

For like 10 days, the house was pristine and not just clean.
Everything was in order, in its place and it was really quiet and quite nice.
Even the car, fresh from the wash and waxed to the max.
No clutter nor splatters, there was no mother.
One week after mother has arrived,
the clutter and splatters are back and bacteria thrives.
The walls tremble from a resounding reverberation
of screeching, nagging sometimes chuckling sound
from a roll call of calls to relatives and friends.
The neighbors are fighting in the background,
they probably think there's one over our house,
the way mother sounds.
Little do they know she's just indulging in her favorite past time,
for a lack of something better to do with her precious time,
talking about other people's lives either how bad or worse,
good or better they have become at par compared to hers, but of course!
She is my mother, yours could be worse.
I try hard to ignore her, my only recourse.

Clean, Clean, Clean ...

Clean. It's nice to be clean. It feels good to be clean. And it is best to always clean as one goes. But hey, it is never ... never nice to clean up after somebodyelse's mess and more so, when one's occupation does not include such task. More so when one does not get paid for it. Does food and lodging constitute obligation?

As I watch the grass grow ... day in and day out, I turn on my poo radar device ... where the bugs, the bees and flies are is where the poo dumps are. Dogs are funny. They probably think of us humans funny as well. They follow me around while I pick up the dump. They know where I am heading for and they try to beat me to it. They stare at me and yes, they wonder, why I am picking up their poo as I make face because of the stink. To Cohjie, it seems to be a game. The minute he sees me with my poo-pot and pooper-scooper he goes off and tries very hard to dump again. He does it while looking at me with a smile. Pig.

Last year, when he was the only dog, we would wait for days on end before we would pick up his poo in the backyard. Cohjie would have his dumps in rows, an arm's length apart from one to another. Rows and columns, so you just have to walk the line systematically when picking them up. He's the kind of dog who gets his way and pretty much takes care of himself. He's probably the only dog who chews on his toenails. Nobody really cuts them on a regular basis nor does he get walked on asphalt consistently to wear off his nails ... I doubt it very much if he even sees daylight outside the confines of the backyard of the townhouse where he really resides. He is my borrowed dog in my borrowed country where I reside.

Now that there's three of them, there's enough poos in the yard everyday to complete a bag. I need to find a product where the resources would be dog waste. All three dogs get walked. They get to play out in the yard ... they even get groomed every now and then as in washed, brushed and pampered with fruit-scented doggie colognes. They get to go to parks ... trained every now and then as I am not really a stickler for discipline. I am with dogs for the fun and enjoyment of their company.

Toffee, this morning, was playing with the kong ball. Ball in his mouth he would throw it up and then watch it bounce. He would use both of his paws as if trying to dribble it. He would pick it up with his mouth and throw it up in the air again. Then, after a couple of times, he picked it up and headed for the stairs, looked at the steps and decided to let go of the ball ... He watched the ball bounce on every step ... On the thrid step, he followed it bouncing much in the same rhythm that the ball bounced. Cute.

Cohjie by that time, decided to give me his tennis ball. So I threw it from the patio and all three dogs zoomed after it. Of course, it was only Cohjie who knew what the game was. The two other puppies merely followed him and the ball. They did not know any better-that they were supposed to retrieve it and give it back to me so I can throw it again. After about four throws, the two puppies finally caught on but decided to play guard, getting the ball from Cohjie's mouth and refraining him from getting back to me to give the ball. It's like watching dogs play football. But of course, old man Cohjie got tired of it all and decided that he was too damn tired, dropped the ball in between his chest, lied down on it in front of a bone and started to chew instead. The two puppies then started playing with each other running around and play chase. They enticed, stared and off they went preying on each other by turn. Zoom hides around the bush and Toffee try to sneak from the other side. Hide and seek. Old man Cohjie still chewing the bone out of hunger, he is only getting a cup of weight control dog food.

Toffee's a gentle-mannered and good-natured dog. Like any other Sheltie for that matter, you have to win them over. There's a certain peculiarity about the breed that can be addicting. A couple of weeks ago , while I was up in the bedroom ... Cohjie was in the yard while the two puppies were confined in the porch. I heard Toffee barking ... barking ... barking incessantly. Sheltie's are known to be barkers. I ran out to the next room and peeked from the window where you can actually look down and see the porch. Hush, little one. But no, he was just barking and looking towards the corner ... So I followed his gaze and saw that the back door was open. Cohjie was gone!!! OMG! How should I explain to my nephew that I lost his dog? Not only that, I just called SPCA the previous day and reported about a stray dog I've seen thrice lose walking the hood. Now, it's a our dog that's lose, running around the hood!

I, immediately, of course, ran downstairs and sort of followed Cohjie's track. If only I had a dog's sense of smell and hearing. If only I understood what Toffee was howling. So I went up and down our street and around where I take Cohjie for walks. I can hear Toffee continuously barking from blocks away. A lady with 2 kids, one in a stroller was walking towards me and so I asked if she saw any Golden Retriever walking around lose. She suggested that I call SPCA and report the lost Cohjie. OH NO! I just gave my name to SPCA and address about a stray dog yesterday ... and now I will give the same name and address reporting this time that it's our dog that has gone astray. AND OH NO!!! DANG SPCA PUT ME ON HOLD FOR A GOOD HOUR AND A HALF!!! I don't want to go through that again. OH COHJIE!!!

Scowly, I headed back home and as I turned to our street corner, I saw a Golden's tail towards our front door with Toffee still howling his lungs out. I shut the back door close so Cohjie of course couldn't get back the way he got out. I caught up with him at the front door. I did not scold him for one, because he came home. When I opened the door and Cohjie ran inside, Toffee stopped barking in an instant. It does make one wonder what he was saying all that time. My significant other mentioned that in Japan, they have this device that translates the dog's language. Hmmm ... maybe I should order one.

To be continued ...

Dog stories are always nice. Dogs ... they never fail to make my heart smile.

Bicycle, Bicycle ... I Wanna Ride My Bicycle ...

I have always liked riding bikes. Whether it be the good ol' bicycles or motorbikes. The best thing about them is when the wind hits your face. The possibilities of losing your balance, flying off and breaking skin and bones if not your skull or getting hit by faster-moving-vehicles are just added features to the thrill. The wind that hits your armpit as well feels oooh-sooo-gooood.

It took me half a day, the whole morning to learn how to ride a bicycle. A borrowed bicycle at that-from a neighbor, one reason why I had to learn fast since I had to return it right away. And for about two years, I just borrowed bicycles from whomever would lend me. My parents did not approve of the idea as it was unlady-like. "Bicycles were just for boys", they said. Well, little did they know that I would knock on each and every neighbor's door and would borrow their bicycles even if they were a little too big for my size, like the racer ones (little did they know too that I wasn't going to turn out the lady they've always wished for and would end up wearing leather jackets instead-a dyke on a bike). And I would get on it and just ride for hours on end. I remember, my cousin-Eny and my neice-Beth were spending the week-end over. I managed to borrow two bikes from the neighbors but we still lacked one. A boy in his bicycle passed by and so I borrowed his bike. He lent it to us and so we drove off. Three hours later, the boy was crying on the sidewalk. Of course, as expected, I got scolded ... not as bad as when my mother actually found out where exactly we went a couple of months later. Apparently, somebody spotted us biking at EDSA towards Congressional Avenue. That was summer of '71 and in '72, my mother finally gave in and bought me a bike of my own-a splitbike.

Summer of '72 (BTW, there was a hit movie with the same title), somewhere in Queens, New York ... there I was biking around the neighborhood sidewalks with a borrowed bike of course. Speeding downhill ... suddenly Nandy appearing out from the bushes with his red wagon stopped or should I say, blocked my path ... my first big crash. Bone on my shins was visible. But of course, that did not stop me. I suppose, that is why my mother finally bought me a bike-a splitbike.

What's with the splitbike? Well, of all the bicycles that a mother could buy, right? Well, it did split up on me not just once ... Very typical of my mother. Because the splitbike, you assemble and it kinda folds-it's packed tight i.e. less cost for shipping ... imported or stateside as they so put it those days ... and Menchie's Mom was getting him one and mine can not be outdone ... living up with the Joneses (*wink*) ... so much so for bicycles are just for boys ... very typical of my mother ... Hehe ...

I enjoyed borrowing more than having split on my splitbike. I enjoyed flying in and landing in a trash can BUT that was not on the splitbike ... Beth who mostly spent her week-ends over who I had to bribe with Tagalog Komiks (so I would have somebody to play with) ... We borrowed the neighbor's racer bike. I had her in front of me since she needed to be with me to go to the newstand (since it should be HER choice of comic books). So we bought a bunch. As we were riding back, she was holding on to some while the others I sat on. Not a very wise thing to do cause as I pedalled of course, the comic books started to fall off the seat ... So I tried to fix it and as the story goes, my attention wasn't on the steering wheel. Straight towards the canal we went flying into the trash can.

Now, thirty-something years later ... I am still riding the bike and enjoying it. Not as much as I did before although how I wish I still had the energy and the body ... The mindset is there but somehow, I have to work thrice as hard. Downhill is fun but just like rollercoaster rides, there's still the climb. Bicycles have come a long way. Mine's got 24 gears although it's permanently set on 1 at low for uphill and 5 at high gear for flat. My bike is called a hybrid. It's probably the first decent bicycle I've actually owned. I'm happy and quite content.

Now the motorbikes ... that's a different story all together.

Awww... Awesome Aurora ...

Aurora Borealis.

I never thought I would see one. I've always thought it'll always just be a pigment of my imagination or just a picture, a shot taken and preserved by someone else. The first Aurora Borealis I saw, was unfortunately not that spectacular. I wasn't what one would describe awed as in "Awesome" ...
For one, I was uncertain whether it was an Aurora Borealis or my eyes were just fooling me. I used to have 20-20 vision. At past 40, everything starts to go downhill including eyesight. Most of the time, I see flashes of light within my peripheral vision. When I try to read, it does appear blurry when it's too near that I have to put whatever I am reading farther away. Intimate too is nothing but a blur now like being close with someone is comparable to looking at a foggy window. So much so for looking through windows to one's soul. And so as I stared at the sky while waiting for the dogs to do their business before we all retire, I saw the not-so-full-moon up above. It was somewhat yellowish... at its left were the tints and shades of green and so my eyes followed the direction of the hue. There there was ... it seemed like the trees were glowing. My eyes I figured were playing tricks. I switched off the lights in the patio and looked at the sky again. Nope, it wasn't the reflection. The sky is still green, different shades and there were like upward rays from certain points from the trees. Could it be an Aurora Borealis?, I asked myself. I remember my significant other mentioning that the sky is green and not pink like what I previously saw at dusk. I watched it fade and when the dogs were done doing their biz, I tucked little Toffee and brought Zoom back upstairs. I told Rem and of course, she asked why I did not call her. Well, it's the same reason why I didn't blog about it right away. I wasn't sure.

Rem checked www.spaceweather.com and confirmed that indeed, it was an Aurora Borealis I saw that night. When exactly, I forgot. Tsk.

Oh... here's something I don't want to forget. I drove my mother to the T&T Supermarket. On our way home as I was turning at 162a or is 162b Street? to 111th Avenue, I saw 2 grey birds flying kinda low and a white cat crossing the street. I slowed down making way for the cat to finish crossing the street. One of the small grey birds dove and pecked the cat's head. Of course, my mother was babbling away and I just broke out in hysteria. That was really funny. I wished I had a video cam. What my mother was nattering about, I really have no idea ... past forty too, one's hearing kinda goes and for the most part, one also gets more selective ... it takes practice and with much practice, skill is perfected.

Pick One

I actually have a lot to blog about:

1. The Aurora Borealis I saw the other night.
2. The new hybrid bikes and how much fun I have been having riding it.
3. The dogs and their antics. How they make my heart smile.
4. The fun day at PNE.
5. The fun I have been having cleaning and the trip to Vancouver Landfill.
6. The dreams I have been having lately including Dreams, Part III.
7. The plans I have in mind-Dreams, Part IV.
8. The pounds I have lost.
9. The usual, my mother and how she drives me ... LOL!
10.The changes and more changes about to come and still the ever-changing changes ...

Pick one.

A Year Ago ...

A year ago, around this time ... I was doing practically the same thing - watering the lawn 'cept I was obsessed in doing the edges. Everything is more of a routine now. I wake up - bring the dogs out - have my coffee - go to the can - go for my second mug of coffee - bring up Rem's coffee - take the dogs for a walk when it's cloudy and no sunshine or now that we've got bikes, go for a quick spin when it's sunny - go out in the garden and pick up the dogs' poops - empty the poo basket - take out the trash from the kitchen to the garage - sweep the floor - check the mailbox ...

A year ago, I was stuck in front of my Powerbook G4 in my room. Now, it's set up downstairs where I can glance on it, chat a bit with whoever's online while I keep an eye on the dogs in the patio or in the garden. Throughout the day with mom's errands every now and then and in between, I would either just sit out there and feel the cool breeze, brush the dogs' hairs or read a book. Crows, planes, helicopters passing by. The sky is different in this side of the world. Occassionally, I would be staring at the neighbor's tree upward. One of these days, I shall take a picture of it. I should also take a picture of the nursery in front of our house, it'll soon be gone. Most of the time, I'm dogwatching and doing basically nothing ... just enjoying the quiet ... enjoying the moment.

A year ago I was overly stressed, forced somehow ... to oblivion and have gone into hiding. Today I received what I have been waiting for ... I don't know exactly how I feel. The long wait is almost over. I can now go back to my previous life.

Do I really want to?

I suppose ...

Dreams. Part II.

Where are we? We are ... in Canada, still. And still waiting ...

Everyday, I walk ... it used to be the dog but lately, it's been walking the dogs. Whether it's in the morning or in the evening, I find the walks to be refreshing. I am really at peace with myself. And content. I'm finally happy.

Somehow, dreams don't mean as much anymore.

I used to dream a lot ... whether it's dreaming with the corresponding rapid eye movement or simply daydreaming which used to be one of my favorite past times. I remember I would even dream on ... as continue my dreams. It's a skill that I have mastered, being able to continue and pick up where I left off. I would lay down and start daydreaming then doze off eventually where my daydreaming would turn into dreaming for real. And as I wake up, of course, you get to that dreaming stage again and so the story would continue until the next time. I did this a lot especially with the girls I somehow wished to be with. Well, we know I don't do this anymore since I've found someone more than I ever wanted ... eh ...
:)

Ten years ago, on the radio I was interviewed. My exact reply to a question I was asked was, "Follow your heart, everthing else will follow and dreams do come true." Ten years have passed, where my heart is ... at peace. I am happy. I am content.

Except, I am a little worried.
:(

I can still dream, can I?

Care for Part III, anyone? Heehee.

Comment, Please!

Yahoo! I now have "comments" in my blogsite tho' nobody has commented yet. I better watch my blogs now ...

For one, I suppose I should finish my unfinished "Dream Blog" ...

Well, before anything else ... thanks BenJ for fixing my halo :)

Now for the unfinished blog ... let it stay unfinished for now!!!

Comments ... Oh, PLEASE!

hmmm... putting comments but it's not working. maybe i should ask my nephew to do it for me.

Dreams.

I vividly recall sitting on Menchie's bed when we were kids. We were drawing, one of our favorite pastimes and as we doodled, we were telling stories ... somewhat like storyboarding. And in one of our drawings, flying was involved. I demonstrated how to take off ... as how to fly. I was seated and started pushing the air with the palm of my hands. And the feeling ... the feeling I can still remember. I'm just not sure if I dreamt this like while I was asleep or was daydreaming or if it really happened. How nice it is to be a child!

A child at heart, forever child ... it's good to be childlike, mind you - not childish.

Chuckoy.

Somehow, that part of me is slowly being engulfed by ... I don't know.

Dreams.

Another one of those dreams one can never forget, one that is vividly remembered. But this one is more of a nightmare. The fear. The sweat. I woke up with great fear and all sweaty. I was hanging on a cliff with both hands. I was breathless and my hands were giving out. I was of course on the verge of tears ... despair. And the cliff, it was like really high as in scenes from the Grand Canyon ... shades of red to yellow ... Oh yah, I dream in color. I don't recall ever dreaming in black and white.

Chuckoy said to follow your dreams.

WE ALL DREAM AND WE ALL HAVE OUR DREAMS ...

I can still dream, can I?

So Slow

3 pounds? Just 3 pounds? I've been walking diligently and farther and farther ... the poor ol' dog's arthritis is acting up and I just lost 3 pounds? What is the matter? What is wrong with this picture? This whole process of aging sucks. I feel all my leg and thigh muscles getting hard and I just lost 3 pounds!!! Or maybe, that's what it is that's why I have not really lost weight. All the fat are turning into muscles. Yeah ... right! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

And OH CANADA ...
CKC is so slow when it comes to their documentation process. Hmmm, CIC is also slow. So with everythingelse here. Life in Canada is SLOW. Even their music... the radio stations play country music.

Ang yes, I am still waiting ...

Too Tired, Too Sleepy, Too Exhausted

I want to blog ...
BUT ...
the things I want to blog about most of the time ... I've forgotten or I'm too tired or too sleepy or too exhausted or ... :)

Shitty Mornings

Well ... have been having shitty mornings lately. Literally, shitty ... since we got a couple of puppies. And shit, mind you has been keeping me preoccupied.

No Smoking

75 hours, 25 minutes ... and the clock ticks. That is how long since I last smoked a stick of cigarette. I was at the store this morning and at the counter, I stared at the pack of smokes ... contemplating. The guys at the counter would not sell me some. I told them two days ago that I just quit smoking. Aimlessly wandered in the store, I didn't have money with me so that even if I wanted to get some cigarettes, there's no way I can get some. Well, I brought money with me today ... I bought gum.

Cigars. I thought about cigars. I've seen people smoking them and pipes too. I always hated the smell. Maybe if I lit a cigar, it would make me really stop craving for smokes. So everytime I get the urge, I'd lit up the cigar which should just kill the desire to have a smoke instantly. And to make a point, I suppose ... I can always light up the cigar everytime my mother starts up.

She is giving me the silent treatment right now. Don't you just hate that?

Mothers and wives, they're good. They're also the greatest in making you feel guilty or feel like shit.

I don't suppose it finally dawned on her, it's either somebody talked to her and tried to make some sense or she is just plain hurt. Hurt because I said out loud, jokingly of course, that she stresses me out and that I have to stay away so I don't reach out for a cigarette stick.

She is trying her best to be quiet ... cooking ... watching tv ... cooking ... ironing ... cooking ... I asked if she wanted to go to the mall or store ... she said no and did not even want to look at me, all curled up on the couch ... I wonder how long she can last. I asked her why she had eyebrows on and foundation on her face ... she didn't even bother to answer. Hmmm ... she was hurt by my remark.

This hurts me even more.

It's just about NOW ... I need that pack of cigarette for a rainy day.

First Impressions ... False Faces

and while waiting ...

enjoying some quiet time ...

with myself.

it's nice.

i was out driving today. around. all over. at a stop light as i stared at it it seemed like i'm viewing a wide-angle screen of a view, as if i was watching a movie. i shut my eyes real tight.

"what's happening to me?" i asked myself and looked around where i was. where was i?
on my way to the mall. errands. blockbuster, cleaners, groceries.

i sneaked a little shopping on the side. bought a 28-300mm lens for nikon. i was feeling constraint from the one i had which was a 70-300mm. i see a nice landscape or view, it just lingers in my memory.

on my way home just before the bridge, a song was playing and the dj muttered something like ... "all she ever wanted."
Remy, that's what i said about her four years ago around this time. "she's all i ever wanted and more." :)
of course, i didn't know her very well then or at least not as much as i know her now and more ... in the years to come.

false impressions. there were a lot of things i made up in my mind. was too blinded but what i was feeling which was rather intense. well, not much has changed. my feelings are still very much intense 'cept this time, i love her for what she is. no longer a figment of my imagination. :)

well, hey ... it might be just the other way around for her.

false impressions of me. maybe, maybe not.

she hates my snoring.

:)

Each Day I Walk. Walk, Walk, Walk. Walk The Dogs!

and while waiting ...

Now ... each day i walk the dog. Madonna said to one fat pig, "Walk as much as you can, as far as you can go." Somehow, I don't understand. I have been diligent since I started with the treadmill back from where I come from and now ... daily, I walk Cohjie. Boy, he's one lucky dog. My babies would appreciate me walking them so much more whereas Cohjie drags his ass every morning when I come fetch him from the bedroom. It feels my tummy is not getting any smaller. Must be my mom's cooking. I haven't been gorging. I don't understand, really. My pants are getting tighter. It's either that or gravity is really setting in that all the fat is drooping ... all the walking I'm doing is just pulling my fat down and I can feel it overlapping-drooped over my belt. Hmmm... what's bad is I can even feel it. Aaaarrrggghhhh. See, I told you... something is really not quite right.

I read Jann Arden Something's blog and she said, one must spend time alone. It's like... being with yourself and keeping in touch with yourself. Yeah... that's how I start out my days now. Walking with Cohjie. Not that it makes a lot of difference because, I am alone. Like, I can be ALONE even if I am with company. There's a switch... I can easily go off ... in my own little private space. I don't even have to be like physically be alone to be alone. Somehow, it seems like the other way around. Like I get the urge to be with people because I've had too much of myself already... Haha! It's like I talk to myself all the time, not out loud tho'. My mind just goes endlessly with thoughts and the way to shut it off is to be physically with other people around. And sometimes, that does not even work to a certain extent. Haha. So there you go Jann, how about that?

Death... that was one of the recent discussions I had with my inner self. I pretty much forgot what it was all about. That was hmmm ... 2 or 3 days ago. Then the other day, it was how life becomes just a lie afterwards ... like how everything turns out to be just one lie after another or a string of lies ... just lies. Well, if it's not real or ends up to be what it is not then it becomes just a lie. Take my life for example. I was brought up as me and when I found out I was adopted, then my life ... the one I lived for 24 years was just a lie. When we were kids, we were told by our parents this or that and as we grow up, we find out it is not so ... so there you go, a string of lies. Just lies.

Even Adam and Eve ... that was this morning. God created Adam and Eve and they lived in the Garden of Eden. They had everything ... there was just that one tree that they were forbidden to eat apples from. Adam and Eve ... so when we refer to our fellowmen as our brothers, they are really are our brothers. Hmmm ... blasphemous ... Everything becomes just a lie, afterwards ... a string of lies, just lies.

In the end, what really matters?

Shit You Waste On

well... i am still in a wait and see sit...shit-U-waste-on.

hmmm... something is definitely not quite right. let's see what happens next ...

Crossroads

In limbo, that's where I am. Uncertain, undecided and at a crossroad. Just waiting ...

Am I missing anything from just standing and not doing anything? Quietly, peacefully just looking at the world ... detached, oblivious and alienated.

It has always been trying to please others because it pleases me, doing things for the others or helping others ... making their lives easier, making them happy ... teaching, preaching, reaching out ... developing them to their full potential ... leading, guiding the way and lending a helping hand ... doing have-to's, must-do's and shoulds ...

In Exile

Well, it has been almost a year ... soon. Since my life sort of changed drastically. I was forced, shoved and sent to exile in my own home. Not that I mind, really. It is actually pleasantly blissful in my behalf. I am content, at peace and happy. What more can one ask?

My life then was just ... awake at night and asleep during the day. I would often rush to get out of bed if I needed to run bank errands just before it closes at 4pm. Then they shortened the hours and closed at 3pm and all the more I had problem getting in the nick of time. I drink a lot of coffee, I smoke cigarette sticks one after the other. It takes me at least 2 and a half to three hours to really wake up as in not walking like a zombie. I'd always wake up swollen as in bloated and looked like a frog with two black eyes. My first meal would almost always be dinner and off we go to work. As soon as I get to the office, I go straight to the rest room and have the runs. Gee, is that what stress is? Then during the whole night, once in awhile I would get up from in front of my computer and move around the area, chat with the employees and by the end of the workshift, I'd be looking over reports and signing checks. Of course, there are in-betweeners like a supervisor, head or manager would come up for either approval, suggestion or that kind of stuff. There would also be instances when I would deal with problems, some of them very petty and they just seem to come all at the same time. Like when it rains, it pours. Depending on what the night brings, my bowel movement is proportional to what takes place. When there are lots of people, I run to the restroom for fear of fights and arguments. When there are no customers, I still run to the restroom for fear of sales not enough to cover the daily expenses. Although I have stopped reporting for work seven times a week, it doesn't mean that I don't cause during days off, I receive calls wherever I am and whenever, even when I am asleep I am required to wake up from a dream to deal with problems that I seem to be the only one with the solution. Probably the only time that I am out of reach is when I go scuba-diving and in the middle, underneath the deep blue sea which I did every other week just so to relax. And when I have pent-up emotions, I either speed up on my motorbikes or the jet-skis.

That was my life.

And part of that, of course, it's not all that bad. I earned lots of money and yes, I splurged a lot left and right. I doted on myself, my mother and my girlfriend. I love giving gifts. It gives me more pleasure to see people happy when I give them something. I was also generous to the people around me especially my employees which also made me very happy. It is nice to help when you can. I was helping lots of people, not only materially but yes, somehow... contributed to their own spirituality and development, I hope. Somehow, the people around me were happy which in turn, made me happy ... although I have to admit that it was somewhat a form of happiness where it was fleeting ...

I don't know if it is because of the onset of menopause, midlife crisis or just fate, destiny or whatever you might want to term it. I don't know. I really don't know. I just knew that despite all the achievements and accomplishments, somehow there was still some kind of emptiness. A void. It wasn't as bad as before ... the loneliness intensified by longing ... I no longer feel that since Rem came into my life. Somehow, she sort of usherred the change ... in ME. The loneliness is gone. I no longer long for anybody, I feel complete and yet ... it really has nothing to do with her. It's more of what I really want out of life. What I want to do with mine.

The meaning of life or my life at least.

I've been one lucky bastard, actually. I've always been. Amidst the threats, safety and security that come with the business ... yes, I am lucky. Well, I play safe. I also want to keep my enemies close more than my friends ... but somehow, it seems I'm running out or at least, put myself in a hole to make them lose interest and stay away. And in my own little world, I am now very content. I am still uncertain and at crossroads, undecided ... just gliding along and enjoying the ride. Waiting patiently for signs on the road for which path to take in this road we call life ...

God will show me the way.

He always does.

Uh-huh

Ok.

And so the gospel said, God gave seeds to different men to sow and you know how the story goes. Each man had their own different way of planting the seeds, they each had different types of soil for that matter and probably different weather, too. Those on the lazy side did not water as much and there's the one who just drowned the poor seeds. If God created man in His image and He is the only perfect being, then He is what all men combined. And so He accepts His own totality, flaws included. That is why He thus forgive men. In then end, what matters is to be able to live with one's self. Even God, in the likeness of Him, man that He created Himself.

Uh-huh.

Existence

In a matter of two weeks, I'm out of the cold... in the deep blue sea, out in the ocean and in the water. And in between days, from today until then my mind is a bliss... fleeting away... in space, not the final frontier... just space. I am flying, gliding in my thoughts...

Existence has never meant so much.

I exist.

Not that my existence has any major meaning.

I just exist, that's all.

Just a feeling inside of me that brings forth the beginning of a smile at the corner of my lips emanating from my heart.

And I am grateful. Thank you.

NO
is the most important word that you teach a dog.

There is a stage when we were children that the only word that comes out of our mouths is "NO!"

Why is it there are a lot of people then that don't quite know how to say "NO" and also quite a lot of people who just don't understand what "NO" means? There isn't any other meaning. NO means NO. YES means YES. MAYBE is MAY BE ... something in between ... may be YES, may be NO ...

NO ...
I'm sorry but NO, I can not do or I do not like. It is in a way selfish, yes. A somewhat admittance of selfishness much like the kid and we know kids are selfish ... so they can just say NO to almost everything all the time. And you twist it around and they still would say NO even it is YES already.

What is so bad about being selfish? It's the only one we all got.

I think I'd rather be selfish than be miserable or compromise my well-being as to always trying to please everyone around me ... driving me nuts. I'm sure people would appreciate a sane person around them more than being in a cuckoo's nest, eh.