When it rains, it pours as the saying goes ... they come in threes ...
1. The teaspoon.
2. The contract.
3. The chlorine.
I know I asked myself if I wanted to go back to my old life (August 16, 2003).
And as I have always reminded myself - that things fall into place when you wait long enough (or rather procastinate) ... especially when you need to make a decision and you just keep on sitting on it, sleeping on it or WHATEVER!!! Eventually, fate creeps in ... it just forces you to act howevermuch you try avoiding making major decisions. Or at least, that's how it has always been for me. Somehow, things come up and kinda push me ... then it becomes a shove along the way ... and it just keeps going on and on until I take that big step, making the decision and following up on it ... And you know what, when I sometimes kinda make a decision but not quite and it's not the right one, things happen ...
Like now for instance ... first, it was the teaspoon ... then, the forgotten contract ... now, the chlorinated dogs ...
ANALYZE THAT
It's time to move on, for one. I know that BUT WHERE to, that seems to be the problem. I like it here, where I am now but as to what to do here - THAT IS the problem. If I am to stay here, at 43 - WILL I STILL BE ABLE TO ESTABLISH A CAREER AND BE SUCCESSFUL OR ... I DON'T KNOW, MAN! And so, maybe going back and forth. THE UNSPOKEN DREAM. It was afterall, sitting at the back of my mind. Iron out the rough spots, fix loopholes, give it one last try, go with the flow, start fresh and move on. On Monday, a check is appropriate in the checkbox of list of things to do - one major loophole. Another two to follow that which will take time, my significant other's. Meanwhile, as I watched the grass grow, I made up my mind that once and for all, give my dirty biz one good scrub when I get back. If all else fails, at least, I did something and maybe it would be enough for my mother to finally let go and that she gives me her blessings to move on. I know I need to go back to do this ... It doesn't mean I want to go back to my old life. I don't, I really don't. And that is why I asked myself, remember? But to stress me out with the forgotten contract!!! I am going back. I will tie loose ends, okay? I know my responsibilities and obligations. Not that I really want to face up to it ... but I WILL, OKAY? If only YOU, UP THERE CAN MAKE IT EASIER ... PLEASE ... SHOW ME A SIGN ... like how about red roses to let me know I am on the right track?
Daydreaming once again ... Nice thoughts of travelling wherever and whenever, I very much look forward to ... PALAU, MICRONESIA, MALAYSIA, THAILAND, MEXICO, CARRIBEAN, SOUTH AMERICA, AUSTRALIA, EUROPE, AFRICA AND EVEN THE PHILIPPINES ... I'm really set to semi-retire. I also decided together with my significant other to spend more time with the dogs, diminish the number of dogs we keep and find good homes for them ... show less ... spend less ...
Downsize ... a process of letting go roots in the homeland ...
UPROOT AND JUST GO ... wherever and whenever ...
Travel light, no excess baggage please ... the meaning of life.
DREAMS
THE teaSPOON TAUGHT ME A NUMBER OF THINGS: I will not do very well as a caretaker. No matter how hard I've tried nor try, my mother will not ... will never change. She is far too old. I just have to accept that. And it's even going to get worse. I also now know that what causes me unhappiness is the role that she obliges me to play. I can not really be happy if I continue to depend on another human being's own happiness. I can not forever try to please my loved ones so as to be happy myself ... I can only be happy from within.
Among other things, I can not be with my mother 24/7. I once remember her saying to me - "You can not be with someobody 24 hours day. It is not good and it is not wise. You will just hurt each other. Relationships don't work that way." And it seems, THAT too she has forgotten.
THE CONTRACT, well ... the contract. It just SIMPLY SLIPPED my head. UNIMPORTANT. But we know, contracts are important. But of course, since last year, I've been wanting to give the biz up. Of course, I agreed not to let it go precisely because of the uncertainty and ... yeah, "What will I do?", my mother asked me in retrospect ... and I succumbed.
My dogs ... I have been procastinating when I should be doing interviews and finding good homes for them. And so, one by one ... and today, eleven almost went away. It hurts, I am ... hurting soooo baaaad. Maybe, it's really time to move on.
But where?