Tired, Exhausted and Weary

That I am.  I shut down my businesses last April.  At first, I was sort of enjoying doing nothing.  Oh, just rolling around the bed with my babies.

Every morning while I'm having my breakfast, I look up and see the mess in the attic.  When I go take my shower, I see the piles of clothes getting higher and higher waiting to be put in the cabinet.  I can't even find anything anymore.  It's a total mess which actually is an understatement.

So this is retirement, I say to myself.  Then one day, I just decided to do something about my surroundings and it has been almost three weeks now ...  I'm just organizing, putting things away ... 

I'm tired and exhausted.  I am breaking out and have rashes on my neck.  Weary ...  will I ever get all my stuff organized.  I'm living a trashy life ...  it's time to trash a lot of my accumulated stuff over the years and move on.

Six Feet Under

My friend bugged me to watch the series and because I was at work, I always missed the show. She would then just tell me about the characters and how funny the storyline is. Finally, I got the whole 1st season DVD set and while we were up in Baguio, just watched the whole season from the beginning to the end. Yes, it was funny alright. And now that I've finally watched it ... and am basically doing nothing and have time to watch it, the show got canned. I can't even get my hands on the second season's DVD set.

SIX FEET UNDER

That would have been me had I not finally decided to take it easy. So, I shut down all my business operations last April 30, 2006. So maybe, all you out there who's been reading my blog wondering what the hell happened ... I've been so ... gone ... LOST ... That's another TV show I'm hooked on nowadays. Not to mention all the CSI's from Las Vegas to Miami to New York. I turned into a couch potato and also looking like one too. Of course, to my significant other's dismay. We've both gone celibate and menopausal. And with my condition, I am also fascinated with all these med TV shows like Dr. House, Grey's Anatomy ... Just in case you have not gone across or I may have never blogged about it since I'm so lost in my own space and time ... the cobwebs are now in my brain ... I have a scarred hypothalamus due a stroke I never even knew about. My doctor adviced that I should change lifestyle and try to get rid of all the risk factors. So now, I eat very healthy. No cholesterol, no fat, no salt ... NO TASTE. But hey, healthy food grows on you really, and they do have taste however bland. I'm usually asleep with the help of RIVOTRIL by 10 PM or 11 max. Last February, I again had the TIA's ... was on heavy medications and walking like a zombie. I went in the MRI spaceship again but this time, I had a more extensive invasion. I now have two sets of pictures of my brain. One of the two main artery going to the brain is hypoplastic or something. From what I understood from my neurolgist's explanation is that I only have one out of two functioning but there's really nothing to worry about. She just said, change lifestyle. The same thing she said the first time around. Change lifestyle, not just food. LIFESTYLE. She said that all she can do is prescribe me medications and sedate me. If I don't free myself from stress ... or I don't slow down ... relax ... and enjoy the nothingness of living ... I will soon be nothing ...

SIX FEET UNDER!

All I Ever Wanted

It's funny how life plays tricks on us.  We keep wanting things the other way around.  When we have something, we wish for something else or another one that we think is better.  When we finally have it ...  we just couldn't stop wanting for more or wishing for something else.  I kept wishing to have time to do what I want to do.  I didn't have time to do this or that in the past.  Time just passed me by, waking up late in the afternoon with the whole morning gone.  I didn't even have time to go to the mall or watch a movie.  So much time was lost for the passed 25 years or so, maybe less ... time's just passed me by so quickly.

Now. I have time in my hands when I know I can go any time.  But still, all the things I've ever wanted to do if only I had the time ... I'm still not doing.

In Too Deep

I am.  In too deep in the hole.  I can't get out.  I see no way out and digging myself even deeper.

I am exhausted.

Tired and weary.

But ...  negates everything.  I am still happy.

And So It Begins

The year has gone by fast. It's Christmas time again and soon, the new year begins. My 46th year has begun. We have been blessed, I have been blessed once again ... with a bundle of joy. He gave me a little angel, my hope ... a new life, blossoming ... from the heavens above, my little angel ... Caitlin Kitiara Annika.

All the stress and tension have ceased. My condition is stable and I'm feeling better. Staring at her beautiful face, holding her tiny body and caressing her hands ... it's so soothing. And when she smiles, all the worries in the world don't matter. My mother is all smiles too and the minute she has this urge to start nagging, and she sees Ckas, she forgets. All the more when Ckas smiles at her or when the little angel puts her hand in her ears.

It's such a warm feeling looking at my significant other holding the precious one in her hands ... feeding her ... nurturing her ... caring for her. It brings a smile on my face seeing the two of them, CKAS sprawled on top of her, over her in whatever position while she tries to go through her emails and stuff. I am so amazed with the way my significant other has been handling the baby.

Our house has finally become a home. Christmas will be different this year. All will be well.

THANK GOD.

:)

The Beginning and The End

So the end did not happen. It's a happy ending afterall. For every death, there's rebirth. A new beginning has dawned. I turned 46 last December 5. I thought I wouldn't make it. I did. I surpassed 45. I've been given a new life. I had a very mild stroke. I didn't even feel it when it was happening, I couldn't even recall when it exactly happened. All I know is that sometime in June when everything was zooey ... I haven't even recovered from the all the balikbayans that attended my mom's 80th birthday around March ... We got so busy opening the other branch, dealing with the contractors ... the trainees ... the initial inventories ... the preparation for business operations ... training staff ... I was exhausted. I didn't eat properly. I didn't sleep well. I was worried about the debts that I incurred. Meanwhile, my mom left for Canada so I had to make do with my resources to pay-off remaining payables. I pawned one of my condos. I really dug myself a deep hole I didn't know if I'd ever get out. Hopeless, frustrated, exhausted, tired, weary, drained ... Trying too hard to make ends meet, to make things work, I was ... failing ... my right foot started aching. I went to the doctor and he said I had tendonitis and prescribed pain killers. A line of pain went up to my ankle, then to my knee, then up my hip to the lower back up to the upper back, shoulders, neck and head. All of my right side was in pain. I was on pain killers everyday just to get through and get things done. Then my mom called from Canada wanting me to fly over ASAP. First it was the bank then they tried my mom's health as an excuse for me to get my ass over there. Leave everything hanging and as chaotic as it was ... Yeah, right. And when my mo comes back, I would never hear the end of it. Like when we stayed in Canada back in 2003, over and over again she says that the reason why my business went bad was because I wasn't around. Well, I was WITH HER in Canada the whole time. HELLO!

By the way, as I recall ... I wanted to retire. Shut down the business, pay-off debts and live on what's ever left of my savings. Travel, go diving and take it easy. Do my photography and videos. Earn a little on the side, freelance. That's what I wanted to do BUT NO! Mom said, "What are you going to do? You are too young to retire. It's hard not doing anything. Do you have 50 Million saved? Only when you have 50 Million can you retire." Why? WHY? WHY DID I LISTEN? Had I not listened, maybe I wouldn't have had the stroke. Now, I am forced to changelifestyle ... take it easy ... retire ... Now that am in debt ... no savings ... nothing ... I can't dive deep so how the hell am I going to explore the Great Barrier Reef? Maldives? Sipadan? Even Palau and Tubbataha are questionable now. And what's killing me inside ... I am now dependent on her ... back to zero ... I'm feeling like a total failure ... an idiot who can't run a business ... stupid ...

I thought I've had it all back then. I even said I was ready to go anytime since my life has been so full. At a very young age, I have accomplished so much. God plays mean tricks. Just about when you think you've made it, He turns everything around and teaches you more. It's such a humbling experience, what He's teaching me now. And I feel in my hear that He really does love and care for me. That I am trully blessed. He is forever with me ... guiding me ... It may not be what I think is the best, but I believe He knows better. Thy will be done.

Taning

"Taning"

Translated in the english language, it's length of time. It's like when you have cancer and you only have this much length of time left like let's say ... the doctor says you only have six months to live or three or mayber one year. That's what it means.

So, let us pause for a moment and given that situation, you have one year to live. What would you do? It's different when you have let's say 2 or 3 years to live right? It's also different when you test positive for AIDS. You know you'll die and it takes longer for some while for others, it can be in three months time. You know you're dying. So, what would you do?

I remember, I got really scared out of my wits finding out that the possibility to have had contracted AIDS. OMG!!! It was devastating to find out that my life will end sooner than I expected and with no definite length of time. Of course, the shame of dying from AIDS. In a culture like ours in the third world and Catholic at that, there's a lot of taboo. To top it all up, I stopped being promiscuous for such a long time, I was even celibate and suddenly ... I was faced with this situation!!! That did not make me think though ... of what I would do during the remaining days of my life. All I could think about then was how to explain to my mother how I got AIDS and if ever I died because of it, the shame I would bring to my mother during the wake when people who would come to sympathize would just be murmuring ... talking ... hush, hush ... Thank God, I don't have AIDS and need not worry about the shame. However, I still don't like the idea of people coming to the wake supposedly to sympathesize and show compassion for the ones left behind but instead murmuring ... talking ... whispering ... chatting ...
how I was or how they remember me. Of course, my spirit would be there and I would hear what everybody's saying and because I'm dead, I won't be able to but in and tell them whether they're correct in saying that I am this or not ...

I never thought my blog would come to be this ... When I first signed up, I just thought it was a cool idea. I wasn't even sure of what to blog about that I made sure I wrote something significant as like what it's like living in a third world country. Then came my toenails ... well, I am sure that I'm not the only one with in-grown toenails or ugly toenails. I've been blogging for a couple of years now, I wish I blogged more. I guess I have been blogging since time immemorial ... writing down my thoughts. I came across a journal I kept safely hidden the other day. It brings back memories that I have forgotten already, tucked away in the inner recesses of my mind. Of course, I felt intensely about whatever I wrote then but through the course of time, indeed, I have changed. Changed a lot.

When I die, I want this blog of mine published. I already found a publisher. Probably just a hundred copies would be enough and each of my closest friends should be given a copy. The extra copies should be given to those who would come to the wake for them to read while they're supposedly showing their respects. This way, nobody chitter-chatters. Nobody gets presumptuous. It's such a coincidence that I inserted "Care To know A Little Bit About Me" ... I never thought of this turning out to be this ...

I am still deciding whether I really want to be cremated. I've said to my nephew and my significant other that I do. I want my ashes spread out in different urns, in different houses and some set free in the ocean. My mother would definitely not want me cremated. She'd rather have me buried in the mausoleum. If I go first, then I would probably be beside my Dad. It is a toss up, to be side by side with my dad or in the ocean. Better yet, my mother can have the wake services since I know it's very important for her. I want my ashes everywhere, an urn beside my Dad then.

If I have five years to live, I would sell most of my properties and buy a beachfront. I would spend the remaining days there, simply ... enjoying the beauty around me ... the wind, the blue skies ... the water and yes, I would still have dogs. I want my significant other to be by my side of course. And yes, my mother ... but she has to learn to enjoy the quiet. If I have less than five years to live, I'd still do the same thing. I would like to travel and see Australia, Africa, New Zealand ... If I can, I would like to dive the Great Barrier Reef, Maldives ... the well-known dive sites, including the Red Sea. I don't like the touristy-tour kinda thing and definitely not Hong Kong Disneyland, ok?

Now if I only have a year to live, then that's time to short. More so if it's just months that's left. Taning.

We all die. We can all die anytime. Like my Dad, who just went one day. Just like Cymbals that just killed over from a heart attack. Is it better to know exactly or maybe more or less, to know when you're going to go or not?

I'm dying. I don't know when. We will all die eventually.

Down The Drain

I woke up this morning and going about my morning rituals, I turn on the faucet so as to fill up the glass with water ... to brush my teeth and take the rat breath out. What's really irritating is when there's no water ... when you need it the most, especially when you wake up and the morning rituals need be done. Our water tank had holes, I was informed so the water tank was turned off. I asked them to bring up some water so at least I can go about doing the morning rituals but instead, they turned on the water pump. I filled up the jacuzzi with water and every container I could possibly fill up including the basin. I wasn;t sure exactly when the holes are going to get fixed.

I woke up this morning hoping to paint some more. Perhaps continue on what I started yesterday. Oh yes, no water. AAARRGH! The water in the basin didn't last very long. The level of water in the jacuzzi is slowly going down the drain. I wonder if it'll even last the whole day. The toilet won't flush anymore. And the whole house will be smelling like amonia soon with 50 dogs around with no water. I need to get out soon. It's a good thing I have an appointment with my lawyer after lunch. Hmmm, there's no water in the shower. AAARRRRGGHHH!

I woke up this morning wanting to blog. Finally, I had something to blog. Blogger was down and so down the drain, my thoughts went. By now, the thoughts I had are in the drainage making their way to the ocean. And down the drain everything goes ... I need to get out there where there is water for water ...

IS LIFE.

Countdown

And so it begins.

I'm not surprised but I thought otherwise. Now, I feel I am much pressed with time. Oh yeah, time ... how time passes by so quickly. I'm running out of time.