The year has gone by fast. It's Christmas time again and soon, the new year begins. My 46th year has begun. We have been blessed, I have been blessed once again ... with a bundle of joy. He gave me a little angel, my hope ... a new life, blossoming ... from the heavens above, my little angel ... Caitlin Kitiara Annika.
All the stress and tension have ceased. My condition is stable and I'm feeling better. Staring at her beautiful face, holding her tiny body and caressing her hands ... it's so soothing. And when she smiles, all the worries in the world don't matter. My mother is all smiles too and the minute she has this urge to start nagging, and she sees Ckas, she forgets. All the more when Ckas smiles at her or when the little angel puts her hand in her ears.
It's such a warm feeling looking at my significant other holding the precious one in her hands ... feeding her ... nurturing her ... caring for her. It brings a smile on my face seeing the two of them, CKAS sprawled on top of her, over her in whatever position while she tries to go through her emails and stuff. I am so amazed with the way my significant other has been handling the baby.
Our house has finally become a home. Christmas will be different this year. All will be well.
THANK GOD.
:)
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The Beginning and The End
So the end did not happen. It's a happy ending afterall. For every death, there's rebirth. A new beginning has dawned. I turned 46 last December 5. I thought I wouldn't make it. I did. I surpassed 45. I've been given a new life. I had a very mild stroke. I didn't even feel it when it was happening, I couldn't even recall when it exactly happened. All I know is that sometime in June when everything was zooey ... I haven't even recovered from the all the balikbayans that attended my mom's 80th birthday around March ... We got so busy opening the other branch, dealing with the contractors ... the trainees ... the initial inventories ... the preparation for business operations ... training staff ... I was exhausted. I didn't eat properly. I didn't sleep well. I was worried about the debts that I incurred. Meanwhile, my mom left for Canada so I had to make do with my resources to pay-off remaining payables. I pawned one of my condos. I really dug myself a deep hole I didn't know if I'd ever get out. Hopeless, frustrated, exhausted, tired, weary, drained ... Trying too hard to make ends meet, to make things work, I was ... failing ... my right foot started aching. I went to the doctor and he said I had tendonitis and prescribed pain killers. A line of pain went up to my ankle, then to my knee, then up my hip to the lower back up to the upper back, shoulders, neck and head. All of my right side was in pain. I was on pain killers everyday just to get through and get things done. Then my mom called from Canada wanting me to fly over ASAP. First it was the bank then they tried my mom's health as an excuse for me to get my ass over there. Leave everything hanging and as chaotic as it was ... Yeah, right. And when my mo comes back, I would never hear the end of it. Like when we stayed in Canada back in 2003, over and over again she says that the reason why my business went bad was because I wasn't around. Well, I was WITH HER in Canada the whole time. HELLO!
By the way, as I recall ... I wanted to retire. Shut down the business, pay-off debts and live on what's ever left of my savings. Travel, go diving and take it easy. Do my photography and videos. Earn a little on the side, freelance. That's what I wanted to do BUT NO! Mom said, "What are you going to do? You are too young to retire. It's hard not doing anything. Do you have 50 Million saved? Only when you have 50 Million can you retire." Why? WHY? WHY DID I LISTEN? Had I not listened, maybe I wouldn't have had the stroke. Now, I am forced to changelifestyle ... take it easy ... retire ... Now that am in debt ... no savings ... nothing ... I can't dive deep so how the hell am I going to explore the Great Barrier Reef? Maldives? Sipadan? Even Palau and Tubbataha are questionable now. And what's killing me inside ... I am now dependent on her ... back to zero ... I'm feeling like a total failure ... an idiot who can't run a business ... stupid ...
I thought I've had it all back then. I even said I was ready to go anytime since my life has been so full. At a very young age, I have accomplished so much. God plays mean tricks. Just about when you think you've made it, He turns everything around and teaches you more. It's such a humbling experience, what He's teaching me now. And I feel in my hear that He really does love and care for me. That I am trully blessed. He is forever with me ... guiding me ... It may not be what I think is the best, but I believe He knows better. Thy will be done.
By the way, as I recall ... I wanted to retire. Shut down the business, pay-off debts and live on what's ever left of my savings. Travel, go diving and take it easy. Do my photography and videos. Earn a little on the side, freelance. That's what I wanted to do BUT NO! Mom said, "What are you going to do? You are too young to retire. It's hard not doing anything. Do you have 50 Million saved? Only when you have 50 Million can you retire." Why? WHY? WHY DID I LISTEN? Had I not listened, maybe I wouldn't have had the stroke. Now, I am forced to changelifestyle ... take it easy ... retire ... Now that am in debt ... no savings ... nothing ... I can't dive deep so how the hell am I going to explore the Great Barrier Reef? Maldives? Sipadan? Even Palau and Tubbataha are questionable now. And what's killing me inside ... I am now dependent on her ... back to zero ... I'm feeling like a total failure ... an idiot who can't run a business ... stupid ...
I thought I've had it all back then. I even said I was ready to go anytime since my life has been so full. At a very young age, I have accomplished so much. God plays mean tricks. Just about when you think you've made it, He turns everything around and teaches you more. It's such a humbling experience, what He's teaching me now. And I feel in my hear that He really does love and care for me. That I am trully blessed. He is forever with me ... guiding me ... It may not be what I think is the best, but I believe He knows better. Thy will be done.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Taning
"Taning"
Translated in the english language, it's length of time. It's like when you have cancer and you only have this much length of time left like let's say ... the doctor says you only have six months to live or three or mayber one year. That's what it means.
So, let us pause for a moment and given that situation, you have one year to live. What would you do? It's different when you have let's say 2 or 3 years to live right? It's also different when you test positive for AIDS. You know you'll die and it takes longer for some while for others, it can be in three months time. You know you're dying. So, what would you do?
I remember, I got really scared out of my wits finding out that the possibility to have had contracted AIDS. OMG!!! It was devastating to find out that my life will end sooner than I expected and with no definite length of time. Of course, the shame of dying from AIDS. In a culture like ours in the third world and Catholic at that, there's a lot of taboo. To top it all up, I stopped being promiscuous for such a long time, I was even celibate and suddenly ... I was faced with this situation!!! That did not make me think though ... of what I would do during the remaining days of my life. All I could think about then was how to explain to my mother how I got AIDS and if ever I died because of it, the shame I would bring to my mother during the wake when people who would come to sympathize would just be murmuring ... talking ... hush, hush ... Thank God, I don't have AIDS and need not worry about the shame. However, I still don't like the idea of people coming to the wake supposedly to sympathesize and show compassion for the ones left behind but instead murmuring ... talking ... whispering ... chatting ...
how I was or how they remember me. Of course, my spirit would be there and I would hear what everybody's saying and because I'm dead, I won't be able to but in and tell them whether they're correct in saying that I am this or not ...
I never thought my blog would come to be this ... When I first signed up, I just thought it was a cool idea. I wasn't even sure of what to blog about that I made sure I wrote something significant as like what it's like living in a third world country. Then came my toenails ... well, I am sure that I'm not the only one with in-grown toenails or ugly toenails. I've been blogging for a couple of years now, I wish I blogged more. I guess I have been blogging since time immemorial ... writing down my thoughts. I came across a journal I kept safely hidden the other day. It brings back memories that I have forgotten already, tucked away in the inner recesses of my mind. Of course, I felt intensely about whatever I wrote then but through the course of time, indeed, I have changed. Changed a lot.
When I die, I want this blog of mine published. I already found a publisher. Probably just a hundred copies would be enough and each of my closest friends should be given a copy. The extra copies should be given to those who would come to the wake for them to read while they're supposedly showing their respects. This way, nobody chitter-chatters. Nobody gets presumptuous. It's such a coincidence that I inserted "Care To know A Little Bit About Me" ... I never thought of this turning out to be this ...
I am still deciding whether I really want to be cremated. I've said to my nephew and my significant other that I do. I want my ashes spread out in different urns, in different houses and some set free in the ocean. My mother would definitely not want me cremated. She'd rather have me buried in the mausoleum. If I go first, then I would probably be beside my Dad. It is a toss up, to be side by side with my dad or in the ocean. Better yet, my mother can have the wake services since I know it's very important for her. I want my ashes everywhere, an urn beside my Dad then.
If I have five years to live, I would sell most of my properties and buy a beachfront. I would spend the remaining days there, simply ... enjoying the beauty around me ... the wind, the blue skies ... the water and yes, I would still have dogs. I want my significant other to be by my side of course. And yes, my mother ... but she has to learn to enjoy the quiet. If I have less than five years to live, I'd still do the same thing. I would like to travel and see Australia, Africa, New Zealand ... If I can, I would like to dive the Great Barrier Reef, Maldives ... the well-known dive sites, including the Red Sea. I don't like the touristy-tour kinda thing and definitely not Hong Kong Disneyland, ok?
Now if I only have a year to live, then that's time to short. More so if it's just months that's left. Taning.
We all die. We can all die anytime. Like my Dad, who just went one day. Just like Cymbals that just killed over from a heart attack. Is it better to know exactly or maybe more or less, to know when you're going to go or not?
I'm dying. I don't know when. We will all die eventually.
Translated in the english language, it's length of time. It's like when you have cancer and you only have this much length of time left like let's say ... the doctor says you only have six months to live or three or mayber one year. That's what it means.
So, let us pause for a moment and given that situation, you have one year to live. What would you do? It's different when you have let's say 2 or 3 years to live right? It's also different when you test positive for AIDS. You know you'll die and it takes longer for some while for others, it can be in three months time. You know you're dying. So, what would you do?
I remember, I got really scared out of my wits finding out that the possibility to have had contracted AIDS. OMG!!! It was devastating to find out that my life will end sooner than I expected and with no definite length of time. Of course, the shame of dying from AIDS. In a culture like ours in the third world and Catholic at that, there's a lot of taboo. To top it all up, I stopped being promiscuous for such a long time, I was even celibate and suddenly ... I was faced with this situation!!! That did not make me think though ... of what I would do during the remaining days of my life. All I could think about then was how to explain to my mother how I got AIDS and if ever I died because of it, the shame I would bring to my mother during the wake when people who would come to sympathize would just be murmuring ... talking ... hush, hush ... Thank God, I don't have AIDS and need not worry about the shame. However, I still don't like the idea of people coming to the wake supposedly to sympathesize and show compassion for the ones left behind but instead murmuring ... talking ... whispering ... chatting ...
how I was or how they remember me. Of course, my spirit would be there and I would hear what everybody's saying and because I'm dead, I won't be able to but in and tell them whether they're correct in saying that I am this or not ...
I never thought my blog would come to be this ... When I first signed up, I just thought it was a cool idea. I wasn't even sure of what to blog about that I made sure I wrote something significant as like what it's like living in a third world country. Then came my toenails ... well, I am sure that I'm not the only one with in-grown toenails or ugly toenails. I've been blogging for a couple of years now, I wish I blogged more. I guess I have been blogging since time immemorial ... writing down my thoughts. I came across a journal I kept safely hidden the other day. It brings back memories that I have forgotten already, tucked away in the inner recesses of my mind. Of course, I felt intensely about whatever I wrote then but through the course of time, indeed, I have changed. Changed a lot.
When I die, I want this blog of mine published. I already found a publisher. Probably just a hundred copies would be enough and each of my closest friends should be given a copy. The extra copies should be given to those who would come to the wake for them to read while they're supposedly showing their respects. This way, nobody chitter-chatters. Nobody gets presumptuous. It's such a coincidence that I inserted "Care To know A Little Bit About Me" ... I never thought of this turning out to be this ...
I am still deciding whether I really want to be cremated. I've said to my nephew and my significant other that I do. I want my ashes spread out in different urns, in different houses and some set free in the ocean. My mother would definitely not want me cremated. She'd rather have me buried in the mausoleum. If I go first, then I would probably be beside my Dad. It is a toss up, to be side by side with my dad or in the ocean. Better yet, my mother can have the wake services since I know it's very important for her. I want my ashes everywhere, an urn beside my Dad then.
If I have five years to live, I would sell most of my properties and buy a beachfront. I would spend the remaining days there, simply ... enjoying the beauty around me ... the wind, the blue skies ... the water and yes, I would still have dogs. I want my significant other to be by my side of course. And yes, my mother ... but she has to learn to enjoy the quiet. If I have less than five years to live, I'd still do the same thing. I would like to travel and see Australia, Africa, New Zealand ... If I can, I would like to dive the Great Barrier Reef, Maldives ... the well-known dive sites, including the Red Sea. I don't like the touristy-tour kinda thing and definitely not Hong Kong Disneyland, ok?
Now if I only have a year to live, then that's time to short. More so if it's just months that's left. Taning.
We all die. We can all die anytime. Like my Dad, who just went one day. Just like Cymbals that just killed over from a heart attack. Is it better to know exactly or maybe more or less, to know when you're going to go or not?
I'm dying. I don't know when. We will all die eventually.
Down The Drain
I woke up this morning and going about my morning rituals, I turn on the faucet so as to fill up the glass with water ... to brush my teeth and take the rat breath out. What's really irritating is when there's no water ... when you need it the most, especially when you wake up and the morning rituals need be done. Our water tank had holes, I was informed so the water tank was turned off. I asked them to bring up some water so at least I can go about doing the morning rituals but instead, they turned on the water pump. I filled up the jacuzzi with water and every container I could possibly fill up including the basin. I wasn;t sure exactly when the holes are going to get fixed.
I woke up this morning hoping to paint some more. Perhaps continue on what I started yesterday. Oh yes, no water. AAARRGH! The water in the basin didn't last very long. The level of water in the jacuzzi is slowly going down the drain. I wonder if it'll even last the whole day. The toilet won't flush anymore. And the whole house will be smelling like amonia soon with 50 dogs around with no water. I need to get out soon. It's a good thing I have an appointment with my lawyer after lunch. Hmmm, there's no water in the shower. AAARRRRGGHHH!
I woke up this morning wanting to blog. Finally, I had something to blog. Blogger was down and so down the drain, my thoughts went. By now, the thoughts I had are in the drainage making their way to the ocean. And down the drain everything goes ... I need to get out there where there is water for water ...
IS LIFE.
I woke up this morning hoping to paint some more. Perhaps continue on what I started yesterday. Oh yes, no water. AAARRGH! The water in the basin didn't last very long. The level of water in the jacuzzi is slowly going down the drain. I wonder if it'll even last the whole day. The toilet won't flush anymore. And the whole house will be smelling like amonia soon with 50 dogs around with no water. I need to get out soon. It's a good thing I have an appointment with my lawyer after lunch. Hmmm, there's no water in the shower. AAARRRRGGHHH!
I woke up this morning wanting to blog. Finally, I had something to blog. Blogger was down and so down the drain, my thoughts went. By now, the thoughts I had are in the drainage making their way to the ocean. And down the drain everything goes ... I need to get out there where there is water for water ...
IS LIFE.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Countdown
And so it begins.
I'm not surprised but I thought otherwise. Now, I feel I am much pressed with time. Oh yeah, time ... how time passes by so quickly. I'm running out of time.
I'm not surprised but I thought otherwise. Now, I feel I am much pressed with time. Oh yeah, time ... how time passes by so quickly. I'm running out of time.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I'll See You In September, When The Summer Is Gone
It does not hold true at this side of the hemisphere. But summer's gone too considering we're in the heart of the wet season. We're lucky to wake up with the sun shining and not the gloomy, cloudy, drizzling all day showers that turn into thunder storms, phantom floods and strong winds. It's not anything like Vancouver weather or Sleepless In Seattle's bedweather. It's far from London's cold and wet ambience. It still is hot and humid. It gets coool only because of air-conditioners but to everybody's dismay, oil prices are going up and we are left to just deal with the heat the best way we can to bring down the electric bills.
Summer was fun. Busy but fun. Mom celebrated her 80th birthday so all our relatives flew back for the grandest occassion. Expenses were high, of course. Now that everything seems to have gone back to normal, summer is gone. It is September,
and it does not seem to be a month to look forward to. I checked my blogs and true enough, indeed, September has always been a bad month for me. If not September, it's like a week or so ... the last days of summer. It was around this time two years ago that the bad luck came and as we all know it comes in threes ...
For starters, I was confined last week and found out I have a clot in my brain-in the right side of the hypothalamus. For an overnighter at the hospital, it cost about a thousand Canadian. I'm under medication, changing my diet and successfully quitting smoking. I do have to change my life style as my condition was brought about by stress and hypertension. And exactly how do I do that considering that I am broke and in debt?
Secondly, Cymbals passed away from a heart attack last Thursday, the 15th of September. Everybody says she just gave up her life for mine. Just as when Flute died on the 21st of September in 1998. Maybe, I'll paint Cymbals picture and hang it up on the wall. Was that why I had this strong urge to buy a canvass, bought it the last time I was at the bookstore?
So what's the third?
September ain't over yet.
Summer was fun. Busy but fun. Mom celebrated her 80th birthday so all our relatives flew back for the grandest occassion. Expenses were high, of course. Now that everything seems to have gone back to normal, summer is gone. It is September,
and it does not seem to be a month to look forward to. I checked my blogs and true enough, indeed, September has always been a bad month for me. If not September, it's like a week or so ... the last days of summer. It was around this time two years ago that the bad luck came and as we all know it comes in threes ...
For starters, I was confined last week and found out I have a clot in my brain-in the right side of the hypothalamus. For an overnighter at the hospital, it cost about a thousand Canadian. I'm under medication, changing my diet and successfully quitting smoking. I do have to change my life style as my condition was brought about by stress and hypertension. And exactly how do I do that considering that I am broke and in debt?
Secondly, Cymbals passed away from a heart attack last Thursday, the 15th of September. Everybody says she just gave up her life for mine. Just as when Flute died on the 21st of September in 1998. Maybe, I'll paint Cymbals picture and hang it up on the wall. Was that why I had this strong urge to buy a canvass, bought it the last time I was at the bookstore?
So what's the third?
September ain't over yet.
Just Passing Through
We are.
That we are.
We are just passing through.
As we first set our eyes, that first glimpse ... that first smile ...
As we build friendships and love grows ...
As we touch, hold, hug ...
Good times and bad times ...
As we yell when we are not in the mood or in pain ...
As we scream, cry ...
We are
JUST PASSING THROUGH.
And we mean the most to those we leave behind.
I, now know ... the meaning of life.
That we are.
We are just passing through.
As we first set our eyes, that first glimpse ... that first smile ...
As we build friendships and love grows ...
As we touch, hold, hug ...
Good times and bad times ...
As we yell when we are not in the mood or in pain ...
As we scream, cry ...
We are
JUST PASSING THROUGH.
And we mean the most to those we leave behind.
I, now know ... the meaning of life.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Message In A Bottle
It has been awhile since I last blogged. The message in the bottle is still unread... floating out there in the ocean, endlessly finding its way to the shore for someone to pick it up ... open in and read my thoughts.
Alas ... one day will come and the bottle shall reach the shore.
And when it finally does, the message ... will still be unread. The ink would have faded and the the paper ... empty.
Alas ... one day will come and the bottle shall reach the shore.
And when it finally does, the message ... will still be unread. The ink would have faded and the the paper ... empty.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The End Of The Road
We are all alike in a lot of ways even if we do different things and on the surface, very different from each other and unlike all others. What it boils down to is we're all human. We feel the same emotions, some more passionately and intensely than others. Others numb out pain better but still ... we all have a heart. And we all will be judged by just One Almighty at the end of the road and in the end, that is where it all matters.