Yeah, right! Now you tell me. It's kinda too late, ya think! Somebody stole my destiny, sucked the lines off my palm. That's what it was. My luck was just there and just a few days after, all the lines have shifted and changed. I was wondering how it could have changed so fast when the palmreader just assured me I was just going through difficult times like everybody else because of the economic crisis.
My mother brought me to a Tarot Card Reader yesterday. We had to wake up like 5 in the morning and it took us over 2 hours to get there. He told me almost the same things that I have heard before except that I needed to go to confession. And yes, he warned me to never let palmreaders have a look at my palms for they steal my luck.
Is there a way of reclaiming what's rightfully my lines of destiny and fate? Go to confession, I suppose.
Merry Christmas everybody!
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Change
The only constant, ever present ... it's not time. It stops when one dies. Change is. Dead or alive, change continues on. Even the corpse continue to change in the passing of time. Time and change go together. It is time that brings about change.
Changes take place every second, every minute all through out the day, the night, the year and so on it goes. Unless it is abrupt, we don't notice the changes. And then one day, we wake up and realize that things have changed, not just around us but within us as well. Good and Bad.
I chose the wrong path. I made wrong decisions. I am in for a tough ride, a turbulent one. There's no turning back. I can only start a new after I weather the storm. It's going to be a long hard climb.
To be young is to be alive. Filled with dreams, hopes and visions. Ideals, zest and tremendous energy. The world has much to offer. For those who have climbed to the top and hanging on the ledge, visions slowly vanish clouded with despair. For those who have fallen, misery.
How does one cope when your house burns down to the ground. Everything gone in just one fiery anger? How does one cope when marriages break down and separations are inevitable? How does one cope with losses of their loved one? How does one cope when there's nothing the eat, no roof over their heads? How does one cope with nothing? Nothing but misery.
I am blessed.
I am loved.
I have a loving mother. I have Remy and a few good friends.
Changes take place every second, every minute all through out the day, the night, the year and so on it goes. Unless it is abrupt, we don't notice the changes. And then one day, we wake up and realize that things have changed, not just around us but within us as well. Good and Bad.
I chose the wrong path. I made wrong decisions. I am in for a tough ride, a turbulent one. There's no turning back. I can only start a new after I weather the storm. It's going to be a long hard climb.
To be young is to be alive. Filled with dreams, hopes and visions. Ideals, zest and tremendous energy. The world has much to offer. For those who have climbed to the top and hanging on the ledge, visions slowly vanish clouded with despair. For those who have fallen, misery.
How does one cope when your house burns down to the ground. Everything gone in just one fiery anger? How does one cope when marriages break down and separations are inevitable? How does one cope with losses of their loved one? How does one cope when there's nothing the eat, no roof over their heads? How does one cope with nothing? Nothing but misery.
I am blessed.
I am loved.
I have a loving mother. I have Remy and a few good friends.
Death Wish
People who talk about committing suicide don't. They don't. They just talk about committing suicide. It's just a sign of wanting attention or needing some attention desperately. Wallowing in self pity, they want other people to pity them so they can pity themselves more. Others do it as a form of emotional blackmail.
Those who do commit suicide just do it. And most often, when you tell a person who constantly talk about how they would kill themselves to JUST DO IT, they snap out of it.
Those who just do it, well ... they end up dead. Worst it if they do and they don't succeed. They become the most misreable living creatures for they end up as failures all the more since they can't even commit suicide right. There's no point in saying that they go crazy or lose it cause the fact that they did try suicide means they've lost it. No sane person would jump off the cliff.
I have thought of ways of dying. The best way to go. And how I would like my funeral. My mother always nagged me about how nobody would attend my wake since I don't show face at important occassions like weddings, birthday parties and burials. I would be dead. So, how would I know if so and so came and would I really care since I'm already dead during my wake. People staring down at my body inside the coffing thinking of stuff like how I was or reminiscing the good times they've spent with me. Some maybe feeling sorry.
Others hurting, maybe. Feeling some kind of loss. But we all end up dead.
I've fantasized about dying at aged 45. I thought that it is a good age to die. One does not have too much wrinkles yet. Hey, I just turned 45. I haven't finished doing my will. I downloaded a program and started out doing inventories and stuff to fill up the form. I have never gotten around to doing it. Besides, I don't think there's any going to be left behind at the rate I'm going.
I don't quite understand why some people want to grow old. Withered, useless and incapacitated. I envy those who die young. We hear people say that the Lord has called on them for they have served Him well. Only the good die young. So why would anybody wish not to go when it's time and He's calling ...
So, I suppose I'm not dying at aged 45. I just want to but I ain't.
Those who do commit suicide just do it. And most often, when you tell a person who constantly talk about how they would kill themselves to JUST DO IT, they snap out of it.
Those who just do it, well ... they end up dead. Worst it if they do and they don't succeed. They become the most misreable living creatures for they end up as failures all the more since they can't even commit suicide right. There's no point in saying that they go crazy or lose it cause the fact that they did try suicide means they've lost it. No sane person would jump off the cliff.
I have thought of ways of dying. The best way to go. And how I would like my funeral. My mother always nagged me about how nobody would attend my wake since I don't show face at important occassions like weddings, birthday parties and burials. I would be dead. So, how would I know if so and so came and would I really care since I'm already dead during my wake. People staring down at my body inside the coffing thinking of stuff like how I was or reminiscing the good times they've spent with me. Some maybe feeling sorry.
Others hurting, maybe. Feeling some kind of loss. But we all end up dead.
I've fantasized about dying at aged 45. I thought that it is a good age to die. One does not have too much wrinkles yet. Hey, I just turned 45. I haven't finished doing my will. I downloaded a program and started out doing inventories and stuff to fill up the form. I have never gotten around to doing it. Besides, I don't think there's any going to be left behind at the rate I'm going.
I don't quite understand why some people want to grow old. Withered, useless and incapacitated. I envy those who die young. We hear people say that the Lord has called on them for they have served Him well. Only the good die young. So why would anybody wish not to go when it's time and He's calling ...
So, I suppose I'm not dying at aged 45. I just want to but I ain't.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Life's Lessons
Same Time last year, thoughts of retiring filled my head. I had enough saved to go on endless vacations. I browsed through dive magazines endlessly, contmeplating which trips to take. The Great Barrier Reef, Sipadan, Cayman Islands ... live-aboards and buying a lot by the seashore. Setting up goals of taking awesome underwater photographs, finishing a Dive Master's Course and getting serious with underwater video. Set my eyes on setting up the first photography & video based resort in Anilao. Dive, eat, and sleep. Take pictures and video. Be creative. Come out wih a coffee table book for Remy, do documentaries myself. And yes, be with my dogs and not worry. Live peacefully, quite content and away from the miseries of life.
I've been known to have said I am ready to die for I have already accomplished what one aims in one's lifetime. Made. There's nothing more life could offer, that was in the inner recesses of my mind. Blessed with somebody beside me ... a best friend, a lover and a partner in life. A loving mother and wonderful nephews. Lucky.
Thankful.
The world was beautiful. Everything to me was beautiful. I had time to look around and appreciate the beauty ... the sky, the ocean ... there was beauty even in the ugliest possible scenery. And looking at the beauty around me gave me such a feeling of content, peace and joy. I nurtured people who weren't able to see.
A year later ...
I feel so inadequate. Not just ready to die.
I want to die.
But ... I hear nobody calling ...
I've been known to have said I am ready to die for I have already accomplished what one aims in one's lifetime. Made. There's nothing more life could offer, that was in the inner recesses of my mind. Blessed with somebody beside me ... a best friend, a lover and a partner in life. A loving mother and wonderful nephews. Lucky.
Thankful.
The world was beautiful. Everything to me was beautiful. I had time to look around and appreciate the beauty ... the sky, the ocean ... there was beauty even in the ugliest possible scenery. And looking at the beauty around me gave me such a feeling of content, peace and joy. I nurtured people who weren't able to see.
A year later ...
I feel so inadequate. Not just ready to die.
I want to die.
But ... I hear nobody calling ...
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Rockbottom
The lines in one's palm change depending on actions one takes. Day by day, just as every fleeting second changes with the passing of time. A month ago, I went to a palm reader. She put powder in my left palm and pointed out the prominent lines. She assured me of a distant future, two or three years from now that everything will turn out alright. I remember from long ago, another palm reader told me that lines change every five years. Or maybe, they become visibly obvious that the lines have changed. Lately, just this week, a line surely changed and broke away ... and with just a line breaking away, different patterns formed and others doubled up side by side. I have not done anything significant nor noticed anything major happening 'cept I just became fully aware of my financial situation at this point in my life. I've hit rockbottom and digging a very deep hole.