Friday, March 21, 2003
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Crossroads
In limbo, that's where I am. Uncertain, undecided and at a crossroad. Just waiting ...
Am I missing anything from just standing and not doing anything? Quietly, peacefully just looking at the world ... detached, oblivious and alienated.
It has always been trying to please others because it pleases me, doing things for the others or helping others ... making their lives easier, making them happy ... teaching, preaching, reaching out ... developing them to their full potential ... leading, guiding the way and lending a helping hand ... doing have-to's, must-do's and shoulds ...
Am I missing anything from just standing and not doing anything? Quietly, peacefully just looking at the world ... detached, oblivious and alienated.
It has always been trying to please others because it pleases me, doing things for the others or helping others ... making their lives easier, making them happy ... teaching, preaching, reaching out ... developing them to their full potential ... leading, guiding the way and lending a helping hand ... doing have-to's, must-do's and shoulds ...
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
In Exile
Well, it has been almost a year ... soon. Since my life sort of changed drastically. I was forced, shoved and sent to exile in my own home. Not that I mind, really. It is actually pleasantly blissful in my behalf. I am content, at peace and happy. What more can one ask?
My life then was just ... awake at night and asleep during the day. I would often rush to get out of bed if I needed to run bank errands just before it closes at 4pm. Then they shortened the hours and closed at 3pm and all the more I had problem getting in the nick of time. I drink a lot of coffee, I smoke cigarette sticks one after the other. It takes me at least 2 and a half to three hours to really wake up as in not walking like a zombie. I'd always wake up swollen as in bloated and looked like a frog with two black eyes. My first meal would almost always be dinner and off we go to work. As soon as I get to the office, I go straight to the rest room and have the runs. Gee, is that what stress is? Then during the whole night, once in awhile I would get up from in front of my computer and move around the area, chat with the employees and by the end of the workshift, I'd be looking over reports and signing checks. Of course, there are in-betweeners like a supervisor, head or manager would come up for either approval, suggestion or that kind of stuff. There would also be instances when I would deal with problems, some of them very petty and they just seem to come all at the same time. Like when it rains, it pours. Depending on what the night brings, my bowel movement is proportional to what takes place. When there are lots of people, I run to the restroom for fear of fights and arguments. When there are no customers, I still run to the restroom for fear of sales not enough to cover the daily expenses. Although I have stopped reporting for work seven times a week, it doesn't mean that I don't cause during days off, I receive calls wherever I am and whenever, even when I am asleep I am required to wake up from a dream to deal with problems that I seem to be the only one with the solution. Probably the only time that I am out of reach is when I go scuba-diving and in the middle, underneath the deep blue sea which I did every other week just so to relax. And when I have pent-up emotions, I either speed up on my motorbikes or the jet-skis.
That was my life.
And part of that, of course, it's not all that bad. I earned lots of money and yes, I splurged a lot left and right. I doted on myself, my mother and my girlfriend. I love giving gifts. It gives me more pleasure to see people happy when I give them something. I was also generous to the people around me especially my employees which also made me very happy. It is nice to help when you can. I was helping lots of people, not only materially but yes, somehow... contributed to their own spirituality and development, I hope. Somehow, the people around me were happy which in turn, made me happy ... although I have to admit that it was somewhat a form of happiness where it was fleeting ...
I don't know if it is because of the onset of menopause, midlife crisis or just fate, destiny or whatever you might want to term it. I don't know. I really don't know. I just knew that despite all the achievements and accomplishments, somehow there was still some kind of emptiness. A void. It wasn't as bad as before ... the loneliness intensified by longing ... I no longer feel that since Rem came into my life. Somehow, she sort of usherred the change ... in ME. The loneliness is gone. I no longer long for anybody, I feel complete and yet ... it really has nothing to do with her. It's more of what I really want out of life. What I want to do with mine.
The meaning of life or my life at least.
I've been one lucky bastard, actually. I've always been. Amidst the threats, safety and security that come with the business ... yes, I am lucky. Well, I play safe. I also want to keep my enemies close more than my friends ... but somehow, it seems I'm running out or at least, put myself in a hole to make them lose interest and stay away. And in my own little world, I am now very content. I am still uncertain and at crossroads, undecided ... just gliding along and enjoying the ride. Waiting patiently for signs on the road for which path to take in this road we call life ...
God will show me the way.
He always does.
My life then was just ... awake at night and asleep during the day. I would often rush to get out of bed if I needed to run bank errands just before it closes at 4pm. Then they shortened the hours and closed at 3pm and all the more I had problem getting in the nick of time. I drink a lot of coffee, I smoke cigarette sticks one after the other. It takes me at least 2 and a half to three hours to really wake up as in not walking like a zombie. I'd always wake up swollen as in bloated and looked like a frog with two black eyes. My first meal would almost always be dinner and off we go to work. As soon as I get to the office, I go straight to the rest room and have the runs. Gee, is that what stress is? Then during the whole night, once in awhile I would get up from in front of my computer and move around the area, chat with the employees and by the end of the workshift, I'd be looking over reports and signing checks. Of course, there are in-betweeners like a supervisor, head or manager would come up for either approval, suggestion or that kind of stuff. There would also be instances when I would deal with problems, some of them very petty and they just seem to come all at the same time. Like when it rains, it pours. Depending on what the night brings, my bowel movement is proportional to what takes place. When there are lots of people, I run to the restroom for fear of fights and arguments. When there are no customers, I still run to the restroom for fear of sales not enough to cover the daily expenses. Although I have stopped reporting for work seven times a week, it doesn't mean that I don't cause during days off, I receive calls wherever I am and whenever, even when I am asleep I am required to wake up from a dream to deal with problems that I seem to be the only one with the solution. Probably the only time that I am out of reach is when I go scuba-diving and in the middle, underneath the deep blue sea which I did every other week just so to relax. And when I have pent-up emotions, I either speed up on my motorbikes or the jet-skis.
That was my life.
And part of that, of course, it's not all that bad. I earned lots of money and yes, I splurged a lot left and right. I doted on myself, my mother and my girlfriend. I love giving gifts. It gives me more pleasure to see people happy when I give them something. I was also generous to the people around me especially my employees which also made me very happy. It is nice to help when you can. I was helping lots of people, not only materially but yes, somehow... contributed to their own spirituality and development, I hope. Somehow, the people around me were happy which in turn, made me happy ... although I have to admit that it was somewhat a form of happiness where it was fleeting ...
I don't know if it is because of the onset of menopause, midlife crisis or just fate, destiny or whatever you might want to term it. I don't know. I really don't know. I just knew that despite all the achievements and accomplishments, somehow there was still some kind of emptiness. A void. It wasn't as bad as before ... the loneliness intensified by longing ... I no longer feel that since Rem came into my life. Somehow, she sort of usherred the change ... in ME. The loneliness is gone. I no longer long for anybody, I feel complete and yet ... it really has nothing to do with her. It's more of what I really want out of life. What I want to do with mine.
The meaning of life or my life at least.
I've been one lucky bastard, actually. I've always been. Amidst the threats, safety and security that come with the business ... yes, I am lucky. Well, I play safe. I also want to keep my enemies close more than my friends ... but somehow, it seems I'm running out or at least, put myself in a hole to make them lose interest and stay away. And in my own little world, I am now very content. I am still uncertain and at crossroads, undecided ... just gliding along and enjoying the ride. Waiting patiently for signs on the road for which path to take in this road we call life ...
God will show me the way.
He always does.
Monday, March 10, 2003
Uh-huh
Ok.
And so the gospel said, God gave seeds to different men to sow and you know how the story goes. Each man had their own different way of planting the seeds, they each had different types of soil for that matter and probably different weather, too. Those on the lazy side did not water as much and there's the one who just drowned the poor seeds. If God created man in His image and He is the only perfect being, then He is what all men combined. And so He accepts His own totality, flaws included. That is why He thus forgive men. In then end, what matters is to be able to live with one's self. Even God, in the likeness of Him, man that He created Himself.
Uh-huh.
And so the gospel said, God gave seeds to different men to sow and you know how the story goes. Each man had their own different way of planting the seeds, they each had different types of soil for that matter and probably different weather, too. Those on the lazy side did not water as much and there's the one who just drowned the poor seeds. If God created man in His image and He is the only perfect being, then He is what all men combined. And so He accepts His own totality, flaws included. That is why He thus forgive men. In then end, what matters is to be able to live with one's self. Even God, in the likeness of Him, man that He created Himself.
Uh-huh.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Existence
In a matter of two weeks, I'm out of the cold... in the deep blue sea, out in the ocean and in the water. And in between days, from today until then my mind is a bliss... fleeting away... in space, not the final frontier... just space. I am flying, gliding in my thoughts...
Existence has never meant so much.
I exist.
Not that my existence has any major meaning.
I just exist, that's all.
Just a feeling inside of me that brings forth the beginning of a smile at the corner of my lips emanating from my heart.
And I am grateful. Thank you.
Existence has never meant so much.
I exist.
Not that my existence has any major meaning.
I just exist, that's all.
Just a feeling inside of me that brings forth the beginning of a smile at the corner of my lips emanating from my heart.
And I am grateful. Thank you.
Friday, March 07, 2003
NO
is the most important word that you teach a dog.
There is a stage when we were children that the only word that comes out of our mouths is "NO!"
Why is it there are a lot of people then that don't quite know how to say "NO" and also quite a lot of people who just don't understand what "NO" means? There isn't any other meaning. NO means NO. YES means YES. MAYBE is MAY BE ... something in between ... may be YES, may be NO ...
NO ...
I'm sorry but NO, I can not do or I do not like. It is in a way selfish, yes. A somewhat admittance of selfishness much like the kid and we know kids are selfish ... so they can just say NO to almost everything all the time. And you twist it around and they still would say NO even it is YES already.
What is so bad about being selfish? It's the only one we all got.
I think I'd rather be selfish than be miserable or compromise my well-being as to always trying to please everyone around me ... driving me nuts. I'm sure people would appreciate a sane person around them more than being in a cuckoo's nest, eh.
is the most important word that you teach a dog.
There is a stage when we were children that the only word that comes out of our mouths is "NO!"
Why is it there are a lot of people then that don't quite know how to say "NO" and also quite a lot of people who just don't understand what "NO" means? There isn't any other meaning. NO means NO. YES means YES. MAYBE is MAY BE ... something in between ... may be YES, may be NO ...
NO ...
I'm sorry but NO, I can not do or I do not like. It is in a way selfish, yes. A somewhat admittance of selfishness much like the kid and we know kids are selfish ... so they can just say NO to almost everything all the time. And you twist it around and they still would say NO even it is YES already.
What is so bad about being selfish? It's the only one we all got.
I think I'd rather be selfish than be miserable or compromise my well-being as to always trying to please everyone around me ... driving me nuts. I'm sure people would appreciate a sane person around them more than being in a cuckoo's nest, eh.