Dad?

When you have a brand new car, you are confident that it will not stall on you. Driving it around, you know that everything is just perfect. Temperatures don't rise, shifting gears a smoothie and you don't hear any tick, tick, tick or clank or whatever. The smell of a new car too is pleasant especially the leather ... Well, of course, if it's real leather. Vinyl has a different scent. So, you drive carefully heeling to a stop before you hit a hump. Until it's over a thousand kilometers or miles, depending where you are, you drive slowly. You speed up the process by going out of town. Have the car checked and serviced and for the first little while, you do the service check-ups, change oils every five thousand readings. At 10,000 normally, your car is a year old on the average. And you are accustomed to it. Depending of what type of a driver you are, your car now has scratches or maybe dents. At two years, there's a minor noises maybe if you pay attention and listen. Over five years, well ...

Last night, we went to the cemetery. It was pouring. Just before our van halted, the automatic locks went click. All the while, I thought our driver clicked the locks open but I do remember telling him that we would stay inside until the downpour stops. Before midnight, I decided to leave and drive around the city just to check out what's going on. The locks just went on and off. My significant other wanted me to lock my doors and the shotgun's seat's where Tara was. So everytime the automatic locks unlocked itself by itself, I locked the two on my side back again. It went on and on until we reached home. It was the first time that our van of three years old had that kind of thing going ...

Strange?

Happy Halloween!

Gone Diving ... Yeah!!!

It's such a pleasure to be down under. It is totally relaxing. Howevermuch the dives didn't go so well, there isn't really a bad dive. Well, of course, unless there's some serious accident happening but ... dives are always good, especially the aftermath.

Stupid, I tinkered with my camera and never really understood the manual fully well. I am sure I took shitty pictures this times as I fucked up my settings. Oh well ... Till next dive! Besides, this dive was supposedly a course anyway. We took the Peak Performance Bouyancy Specialty Course. It's supposed to make us better divers (enjoy diving more, lessen air consumption, streamlining, effortless diving, etc.), as if we don't already! We've been doing two-hour dives. Now if we don't enjoy it so much, why would we be diving for two hours, eh. Stream-lined? Effortless? So, anyways ...

I did try out for the first time diving with my dry-suit in warm waters. It sure is a nice feeling to be dry after a dive. However, the discomforts I feel all through out especially the squeeze do not compensate for the after-the-dive-dry feeling. Not to mention, wanting to pee. Maybe, I'll just dive with my dry suit when the water's like really cold and just make our DM suffer.

LOL!

Quiet Time

Everybody who knows me, really ... knows that I don't fully function as a human being for at least an hour or so after I wake up. I need quiet time by myself sipping two mugs of coffee and smoking a couple or two to speed up the process. Nature calls in between coffee and smokes. Others spend their quiet time on the throne with either a magazine or a book. I rather indulge myself with thoughts ... whatever thoughts. I may or may not be looking at my bedroom ceiling but wherever I maybe staring at ... it's within my own little world. Caught up in there. Whatever it is that may cross my mind like those that are burried, put aside or dreamt about. Sometimes silly, sometimes sad ... well, there are times when they are really quite depressing. Sometimes, happy thoughts as in wishes and dreams. Tribulations ... everything and anything that does not have to make sense and if it ever does, it does not even matter to anybody but me. During these wakening hours, I awaken. Any disturbance or intervention of this morning ritual screws up my day ... the life I try to live one day at a time. Of course, there are pleasant twists like when I'm just about to open my eyes and I feel a kiss ... or warm flesh beside me ... or smell of freshly brewed coffee by my side. Waking hours that I've spent staring out the window, watching the grass grow. Staring at sea and watching dolphins go by. Waking hours either make or break the day.

Everyday, I somehow ponder. My significant other chuckles for she says that my mind has no ability to stop thinking just for a second, that it forever ticks ... So when I say "I was thinking ... or I was wondering ..." She always laughs. These are the cobwebs of my mind ... the passage through my soul or should I say, the path my soul goes leading to my heart ... to me ...

Everyday, I somehow think of how the previous days went and what I should tackle for the day ahead. I look forward to tomorrow for better days to come and keep that smile in my heart ...

YESTERDAY, I found out that a former employee, a friend passed away. He served me well, very well in fact that there were times that I really missed having him around after he resigned. I wish that may his soul finally be at peace for he was lost, searching but not finding any tangible thing to hold on dearly. I've often wish I could do something for him while he was around. I didn't know any way but just to let him go as he pleased. He was a good friend.

Death is not a bad thing. I sometimes even feel envy for those who die, free from this harsh cruel world ... God bless the souls that have gone back to heaven.

God bless you, Joey.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY

Let's think of happy thoughts ...

Someday,

I will publish a book just as I did produce an album one day even if not a single hit the the top 100 countdown ...
I will exhibit my works just as my alma mater exhibited some of them ...
I will make headlines just as I did manage to get myself featured at CNN ...

I WILL

and stop just dreaming ...

BUT I WILL NEVER STOP DREAMING!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I dunno ... maybe, the world is really coming to an end. Anxious, people were as the clock strikes twelve December 31, 1999 when nobody really solved the Y2K bug. Of course, there was Nostradamus of the 14th century who wrote in verses that only him knew what he was talking about. To this day, theologians and the like are still deciphering them. What good are these revelations and prophecies when they are as vague as they can be. Talk about anti-Christs, the big earthquake and whatnots. Time passes by so quickly nowadays. People seem to have lost their sense of what is important ... really. Everything that used to be is so immaterial nowadays in such a material world.

When the world comes to an end ... Well, Bush for one is escalating it ... The suspected anti-Christ aka Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and their fanatic followers ... the never-ending search for their homeland of the forever wandering jews ... the utopians, cummies, capitalists, socialists, imperialists ... Now, tell me, I am so confused with all these pounding in my head. I have enough cobwebs in my mind.

Information society ... globalization ... high-technology ... China sending man in space and eventually overtaking the world ...

WHATEVER ...

AND ALL FOR WHAT?

Such is the meaning of life, HA!

God ... can we just possible make it simpler?

Start over. And this time, stay away from the GOD-DAMNED APPLE!

I Never Do or Do I?

I never learn.

Life is a cycle. It goes on and on. Just as the earth revolves around the sun, it also turns on its on axis in the same rhythmic passion from day to night, night to day and days to months, months to years and years to decades ... centuries and lightyears. Five billion lightyears away, where would it be? Five billion years from now, I definitely would not be but life still may be and some other being would be thinking the same things I am thinking now. Some other being would be asking the same question my significant other wondered and worried about.

I never learn.
My life's own cycles. I go through these cycles. Some bigger and longer ones, others small and a number minute to even notice. Beginning and end where the end becomes the beginning and so it goes. Trapped in your own little world of new beginnings and different endings. And as you live longer and look back, you learn that one never learns even how often history repeats itself. It does, really. You go through the same cycle thinking that this time, you would do something else based from the past, you would or would not do it again. Along the way, if you stop and think, it's just the cycle all over again.

I never learn.
It is always easier for a child. With no worries and woes, with no preconceived notions. Ignorance is bliss, innocence a blessing. Filled with ideals and aspirations, a child looks at the world with hope and wonder. Happiness and contentment, easily attained. Friendships mean friendships. Relationships, never questioned and just accepted. When an infant is hungry, it cries. When it is full, it burps and falls asleep eventually. When it wets, it cries. When it's time to do what it has to do, then it does it and it is done. And in this cycle of life, in the end when we revert back and become a child once again, we all do the same things. Only this time, we are not as happy and content. Tears roll down our eyes as memories flash back. A mother breastfeeding a child, although however burdened some may be always have the joy within. The child that once was spoonfeeding the aged mother burdened, hopefully never lose the joy within.

Life's cycle. The things we should learn along the way.

I never learn.
I go through the same cycles over and over again. I've gone through my cycles thrice and still, I have never learned from the past two.

The cycle will not stop until I learn. I can't stop until the last breath.

I better learn then.

Feng Shui.

So let's try it out. Change the orientation of all the doors going in. Never mind the plasters and forego with the aesthetics.

Down The Hill

Yesterday was the very first day since I got back that I felt I did not accomplish any task although I actually did. I finally set up the webcam pages that were missing. The turn of events just dragged my spirits to the pits. First, I had problems with Yahoo uploading the webcam. Then, about lunchtime, the network server just went poofed. It was downhill after that. I couldn't concentrate. My eyes were starting to feel puffy, I felt so icky that I wanted to jump in the shower or probably a nice hot bath in the jacuzzi would have served me better. The DSL tech came to check up on the modem and stayed till the evening loitering all over the house. He was so nosy to a point that I almost lost my cool. He wasn't really too irritating and it was just his nature considering that he's one of those less fortunate and didn't have enough education. Specialized in what he does but he not really knowing much about how the technology works together as a whole. What is better? Jack of all trades and a master of none or the other way around?

By nightfall, I realized that I was suffering from PMS. Not again! PRIMROSE OIL, I need some primrose oil. Better yet, how about some prozac? While I was staring at the ceiling, thoughts about how times have changed passed by. How the decisions I made in the past seem to be the wrong ones considering with what was happening to the world now ... mine included. I am just left correcting now or trying, at least to get by. Guilt.

Mom, for one has always been good at making me feel guilty. Everytime she thinks out loud about the time that the building I am currently occupying was for sale and I actually said that there really wasn't a point in buying it since we were in the process of immigrating to Canada. For one, she wasn't liquid and was contemplating on borrowing from the bank. I knew that all I had to say at that moment is go ahead but I did not. So everytime she tells that story over and over again, she just makes me feel guilty more and more. As a matter of fact, she's repeating the same story now that my contract has expired.

And so I stare at my beroom ceiling as she stares at the living room's ceiling. She again tells the same stories over and over again. She asks me why she listened to me? Why she renovated our ancestral house? She's stuck with higher realty tax, higher maintenance cost while the economy is just getting worse and so with my business. Again, it seems that I am to blame. And so I stare at my bedroom ceiling as she seems to make some sense.

What am I going to do now?

There are no good TV shows that can keep my eyes glued on the idiot box. All the good shows are gone. Even the music is nothing extraordinary. There really is nothing so new or so fresh.

THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

Duh

Is there any hope for stupid people? Is stupidity a valid excuse?

Duh ...

And So With Everythingelse In The End

What TODAY holds ...
TOMORROW brings
YESTERDAY IS GONE.

To Do or Not To Do

I'm doing pretty good with my TO DO LIST. Or at least I'm getting things however trivial and petty they are ... DONE. Yesterday, I finally finished retouching the pictures from Canada. This morning, I've updated my dive logs.

Checklist 101

1 DOGS
1.1 Dog Book Library
1.2 Spay/Neuter List
1.3 Interview Questionaire
1.4 Budget, Show and Ad
1.5 Update Database
1.6 Website Update

2 THE ARTS
2.1 Database, Photo and Film
2.2 Video Logs and Edit
2.3 Transfer Photos to Albums
2.4 Print Photos
2.5 Read Workbooks and Manuals
2.6 Sign-Up for Workshops
2.7 Shoot and Paint

3 ARTS VENUE
3.1 Survey
3.2 Gather Information
3.3 Hold Meetings
3.4 Analyze Systems and Procedures, Organizational Chart
3.5 Restructure, Reorganize and Retrain

Balance

Through the course of my lifetime, I have played hard and worked hard with much passion. I learned along the way. Some of which experience taught me well, others experience polished. Generally, those who go to school spend two decades of their lives in it. Well, there are of course the less fortunate ones who never went to school and the more unfortunate ones who decided to drop out and be a drop out of society as well. There are those who continue on forever searching, learning and glued to printed paper perhaps ... the scholars, professors who miss out on one half of the whole deal living their life vicariously through someone else's experiences. Not all we learn, we remember and as we grow older, we do forget a lot of things that we've tucked away. They are there and that's what makes us unique. And underneath all these is CHANGE ... the changes we all go through that which always lead to refinement whether it be for the good or for worse. It is finetuned. When one chooses to be a con man, his skills get polished too. It's just a matter of the old cliche, the battle between good and bad ... yin and yang ... day and night ... black and white.

Balance.

It is when no matter how ugly, unfair and terrible the situation may be ... one sees the beauty of it all as how good and wonderful it really is in the end. Everything falls into its proper places. After every storm, although how wicked or how high the tsunamis get ... everything settles down and there's always the sun shining through.

God bless us all.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Since 1988, everytime that plane landed whether it be Canada or the Philippines, I always had the same ol' feeling of coming home. It's like the good-to-be-home-kinda thing which I also get the same kind of feeling when I take the first step off the bus or the subway when it hits my stop in Manhattan.

It's odd that for the first time I am feeling homesick and miss the Maple Leaf and exactly what I miss, I can not put a finger on it. I have never felt this way before.

Hmmm ...

Decades

Ten years! A decade has passed.

I've been around for four and a half decades, 2 have been spent during the night time. Twenty two years, well twenty three almost. I'd say three years from now during the silver year, I should be fully retired from this kind of lifestyle. It's just but the right time to go on semi-retirement now. For the past two decades I have been awake at night till the sun rises. I dreaded the sun like a vampire. And like a vampire, I did not age so much except for the dark rings in my eyes. My complexion too ... I was spared from pollution and no traffic. I enjoyed the night life, partying while working and working while partying. I met people from different walks of life ... more or less where more is more and less is less, and nothing but average. Dreamers, losers, winners and achievers I brush elbows with and tossed glasses, brushed cheeks and indulged in chit-chat, shared visions and forever dreamt ...

Happy times. Fun times. The ups always were more than the downs. I felt with passion. I was alive and lived through the fullest. Thank you, Lord for making my life worth living.

Today is the official day that I am operating without a contract on my lease.

'twas GOOD!

What did I do today?

I HAD A GOOD LAUGH. Marcial, our driver was filling up the tank at the gas station. While waiting, this gasoline attendant-female went up to the van's side mirror at the driver's side. She looked at her reflection up close then started making faces. The van's windows were tinted one way so she didn't know that there were people inside watching her. She continued on and started pricking blackheads or whatever on her nose for a good five minutes. Rem and I were cracking up watching her.

I HAD GOOD COFFEE. We met up with Karen at Starbucks. The cappuccino I ordered wasn't very good but the coffee jelly was. Oh yeah, the other day over at UCC Vienna Cafe, I had a good meal: Chicken Terriyake Eggplant Sandwich, one of my favorites. Rem and I tried out this Pod Thai, it was good enough. Everything tastes good when one is hungry. I didný much like dinner though except Mom was sweet enough to buy me some fresh greens. I miss my salads. I feel I am gaining weight again. I haven't been physical since I got back. Need to sweat and stop eating again.

Inventories

Spent the whole day retouching the underwater photos I took during our last dive. Saturday, I spent the whole morning organizing the photos and negatives. I'm still missing my old negatives file. I wonder where it has gone to? Astral, maybe. That's one other thing that should be included in my TO DO LIST. But that's not so important. It's just a matter of getting things in order in terms of my music library. The things one accumulates or acquire throughout one's lifespan, eh.

I should do an inventory of some sort and draw up my will.

Go With The Flow ... In Traffic

A whole day in traffic! We started out as early as 8 AM to pick up Gina and an hour and a half later, we finally got to her place. Then off we went to Art's and we get there for another hour and a half. We surveyed the place, had lunch and left at 12:30 NN thinking that traffic since it's lunchbreak shouldn't be so bad. Off to the kennels we went with no traffic should only be forty five minutes to an hour. By the time we got there, we were pooped from the heat. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go that the air-conditioning system just didn't cope up with it. AAARRRGGGHHH! We did our rounds as to what needed touch-ups and repairs after cooling down. At 4PM, we were on the road again to meet up with Karen at the Fort area. Well, we ended up at UCC two and a half hours later and decided to have dinner. We finally got home close to 10 PM. Traffic is really horrible these days. There's no such thing as rush hour anymore. It seems that even in the wee hours of the morning, it's still a stop and go situation and never a free flow. And it's not going to improve come Christmas season.

I finally proofed the photos I took the last dive. There are some very nice shots, I was surprised actually. "Gee, I took that?" It just makes me want to go diving again and take more shots. Today, when I woke up I decided to organize the film negatives and positives. Ideas are hovering mad. Do oil painting with some of KQ's underwater shots and have a side by side exhibit. Also an exhibit of dogs and marine life as in "Paws-N-Fins". Or maybe, start compiling the photos into portfolios. Enlarge some of them. Publish.

Toffee's and Zoom's documents arrived. All these ... everything seems to be falling into place. Signs. Signs. Signs. It's about the right time, I suppose. Go with the flow. Expend energy and expand. Live. And thank you for the blessings, Lord!

Need I Say More?

Awesome! Great! Wonderful! Pleasant! Most relaxing! Most Fulfilling! Most satisfying!

I had fun diving! We broke our own record!!! 121 minutes for one dive! The four dives we did were all over 60 minutes! It is just so nice to be diving in warm water again with gear that you are really comfortable with. This is also the first time I was serious with my macro photography. It's actually just the second time I held a still camera doing macro but I consider this first because this is actually the first time that I wasn't at all concerned about other things like bouyancy ... sharks ... trigger fish ... I was just drifting wherever there was anything of interest to the eye and making the shot. It wasn't even point and shoot ... It was really gratifying!

Now if we can only do this more often. We know what that means, don't we?

Our gain, their lost.

I just found out that Guia and Kate won't be joining us for the dive tomorrow. And Karen hasn't called. It's just us then.

Yeah!

Goin' DIVIN'!!! Goin' DIVIN'!!! All the bags (or should I say pelican cases) are packed and ready to go! For the last three days actually, I have been getting the gears ready. Camera, video and batteries included, they are all charged. My gadgets are also organized for some serious shoots. All I have to do is get my ass on the road. I'm going to try underwater photography this dive with the Nikon N70/Ikelite casing. We were supposed to have gone today 'cept I postponed it for tomorrow since three computer technicians are scheduled to come today and get the computers workin' again. Plus, we're actually suppose to be diving with Karen who supposedly have arrived last Saturday but hasn't gotten in touch with us. We're going anyways, with or without her TOMORROW. So there, I'm still doing my TO DO LIST.

I can't get a hold of Gina, my architect. DANG!!!

My box hasn't arrived yet. FedEX package came too but it's not Toffee's papers. We're now officially CKC bonafide members. I hope the next one is Toffee's so I can register him already. He's managed to lock himself with Latte. Spice is currently on heat and Vanilla will be, too ... soon. I really hope the three bitches get pregnant. It's about time! Is it just wonderful that Toffee came and all three bitches just went on heat. They must all think Toffee is something!

Jess, my dog trainer showed up today. I haven't gone down to entertain him. He's been here since this morning. Should I or shouldn't I? Oh, Cris finally picked up Drums and says she'll come back for Dulci. Now Pam, I know wants a Groen and so with Teody. Both are dog lovers BUT ...

REFRESH

Renovate. Revamp. Reorganize. Retrain.

Do I want to re-invest my lifetime savings tucked away for my retirement? As a matter of fact, I want to add more to it. When is enough ENOUGH? Three choices: Re-invest by taking a RISK with my lifetime savings. Borrow from mother or bank ... borrow back money I gave mother in the past. Both ways, I would still be paying interest. Or simply just ask mother ... I haven't done that. Everybody else seems to be leeching off her. Tsk! Nah! Another choice is to get investors willing to be partners. Can I work with partners? Hmmm ...

I need to sit down and brainstorm with my architect. I need to sit down with the franchise guys again. I need to hold meetings ... set-up staff and conduct interviews along with job performance evaluations. I need to definitely let go of some people and hire more efficient, competent personnel. Most of all, I need to get my butt off this chair and start doing the things I need to do.

These are the things I have to do in order to do the things in my List of Things To Do.

It's a mess. The other stuff in my list also require if not the same amount of other stuff to get done. For me to exhibit my works, I need to log and edit my existing raw footages of video. I need to shoot more footages. I need to set up the darkroom. I need to go on shoots. I need to start painting again. I need to learn how to use the video editing softwares and the other enhancement tools too.

As for the dogs, I need to finish my website so that I can post all the necessary details, requirements and pre-requisites in downsizing my kennel operations. Just as well as the organizations I want to set-up as in agility and the ABCD, I. I need to get my files organized.

And to do all these ... I need TIME.

How much time do I have?

I also need TIME to KEEP FIT, STAY HEALTHY to do all these things too.

Time management.

Kill Over

A blood pressure of 90 over 60 is normal, for me. It can be like 80 over 50 and I'm just a little bit dizzy but it's not like I'm about ready to faint or kill over. At 100 over 70 which is normal to a lot of people, I would consider a bit on the high side. Then I would be irritable, sleepy and would have dizzy spells. At 110 over 70, I feel pressure happening in my nape and my eyes feel like popping out. Over 80, my jaws would be like becoming stiff and am a bit nauseous by then. At 120 over 80, man ... it's migraines galore with pumping action combined with all the other discomforts. If it rises any more, I would kill over.

Cash Flow Is Low, Ya Hear!

I heard gossip two days ago: The reason why Cob Kennels is no longer showing its dogs is because the Belgians have not been winning. Dog people are funny. Somehow, a lot of them don't have a life outside the dog world. And yes, they are the affluent ones and with no worries. They devote their life to the dogs. So they indulge in gossip.

Cash flow is low. Showing is expensive, guys. Cob Kennels don't have the extra cash to show at the moment.

Jim sent me an email which was quite ... hmmm ... It was about GETTING A LIFE. About living your life. Which is actually what I'm doing but somehow ... when cash flow is low, one need to work on it. Why can't life be simpler and why are some people able to live their life the way they do ... I don't know ...

My migraine is acting up. I can feel pressure in my nape. I went to bed with a headache and I woke up, still with the headache.

Cash Flow Is Low

One of my biggest expenditures are my dogs and the maintenance of the kennels. I have to work on my website. I need to downsize the kennels. I need to fix the kennels. Cash flow is low.

If I close down my business and semi-retire, the kennels are going to eat up my life's savings. I need to reduce my kennel operations. I need to at least make some money from the kennels. God, I detest puppymillers and backyard breeders! Cash flow is low.

All these signs ... Yeah, yeah ...
1
Power Mac G4 not starting up. Apparently, the boot disk crashed. AARRGGHH! There's a bad sector in the hard disk. Allan, whom I bought the hard disk from is not returning my calls. Joseph pulled it out and would try to recover the hard drive and I have not heard from him yet. And so, I have not touched the Mac. The thought of reinstalling all the software programs again and whatever files I had in the crashed HD just drives me nutty.
2
The Acetech Windows 2000 with the Pinnacle Editing System too is not booting up. Jonathan came yesterday to reinstall. I'm still waiting for the techs from the wireless network and the Adobe/Pinnacle guys to set the computer back to its state before I left last Spring. The zip drive is also malfunctioning and needs to be pulled out.
3
The missing box. How can I set-up the darkroom when all of the manuals and guidebooks are in the missing box? Not to mention, the software manuals for video editing are also in there, like Final Cut Pro 4!!! How can I get started on weightlifting when the Soloflex straps are also in the box? Sure, I can buy but it's a waste of money. Cash flow is low.
4
Renovate, my lessor advices. My mother says "Great, one less worry. I can sleep now." Maybe she can, but I can't. I need to renovate but where am I going to get the funding? Cash flow is low.
5
Embark on Cool Dogs project. Things are falling into place ... I see it. I see the signs but, but ... Franchise Cool Dogs. Franchise AV. Cash flow is low.

I'm In The Dark ... in the darkroom, I am ... In The Dark ...

I bought a new Canon i950 Photo Printer two days ago. I tried out the HP 130 PhotoSmart and it was great. I wanted one that would print borderless 8 x 10. That way I can proof the lay-out design of the ads I do. I can also print up the photos I took before in the manner that I want it, touched up or in most cases, turn bad photos into artwork. I intend to do a portfolio and eventually exhibit. I was even contemplating on visiting my Alma Mater and scrounge through their files for the works I did while I was in school. A few years back, I heard from Amay who went to the same school that my photos were exhibited in the university library. Apparently, the university professors have a high opinion of my works back then. I did a photo journal of black and white portraits from shoot to developing to enlargements. One of the probable reason why the portraits I took are still being exhibited is because some of them were taken at the Smokey Mountain which is now all but a memory. I would have to love a copies of them. Somehow, I don't know whatever happened to the negatives. With the technology today, I could of course scan the originals and produce copies. It would be great to exhibit them myself now.

In the missing box are photography books and manuals. It's still missing. There's a couple of books about setting up a dark room. Is it another sign?

I have to set my priorities. I have a To Do List which of course, I am trying very hard to do. I have a tendency to get sidetracked, totally immersed with whatever occupies me at the moment with such passion. I have a knack for details that I sometimes forget to look at the big picture. I get carried away until I get bored and move on. I like beginnings ... starting something but not really finishing it in a straight line. I have a tendency to beat around the bush, get confused even if Im the one who's making the point and get lost in my own ideas. I don't really much care about what people think about me, I just go about being me and as long as I feel good then everything is just fine. I try hard to please and be responsible for obligations bestowed upon me. I have always questioned the role I feel I have to play in this world. It's not at all pleasant. Teaching, training and sharing ... I majored in Communications Arts and I do have not just the talent, it's been a polished skill from experience. That is one of my greatest gift and the many blessings. Only thing is, I've burnt out and losing patience ... Please God, give me the strength and stay in me ...

I Want My Box!

That's three checked. Actually four since I also met up with Dave already. I got the inside scoop of what's happening on his end re Diveshoppe. Cool Dogs may just be on its way too. And on Monday, we're going warm-water diving. I organized the underwater photo and video equipments and sorted them out while my significant other already prepped the scuba gears.

We've lost seven dogs this year already (Mocha, Xylo, Berry, Rhumba, Samba, Techno and Sugar). Cob is on its 10th year. Most of our dogs are over 5 years old. Twenty pecent are like over 8. Sharpei don't live long. 8 years and above is considered long. Most of them pass away at 5 on the average. Some even younger, as early as two years old. Thirty percent are Sharpei and they're all past 5 ...

Now this is a bomber! We shipped out two boxes from while we were away and we're missing one that has all my computer and dog books, scuba weights and soloflex straps ... lotsa dog chews and dog treats. I wonder if there's still hope of retrieving them. I need the soloflex strap to be able to start on my fitness program. Hmmm ... I did say yes to Kate about playing badminton with them. That's a thought. There's another sign right there!

Please, please God! I want my box!

The Chinese Way Of Doing Business

I met up with my lessor today.

GOOD AND BAD.

Mom came with me. It's good for old people to be around when talking to old people. It's bad because even if you're past 40 and menopausal, in their eyes, you are but a child. Old people understand each other. They are from the same generation, more or less. They speak the same language. They share the same values and traditions, more or less.

MORE OR LESS.

"You're like family," my lessor says. LIKE family. "We don't need a contract," he adds. "Families don't have contracts. You are like my daughter. We've been doing business for over twenty years now."

And the old folks chitter-chatter. Babbles about their kids, their worries, the hard times. They talk about health. They reminisce and talk about the good ol' days. And they never talk about what we actually set out to talk about in the first place. And everytime I opened my mouth, it was the same time both started on their chitter-chatter about the good ol' days.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

I'm getting old. When my mother and I got out of the meeting, we had our blood pressure checked. Mine was up. But hey, I'm still a child. If I'm getting old, my mother is older.

BTW, need to do a bit of correction. Just for the record, my significant other and I made the commitment on my 40th birthday. So, it's actually just four years and not five. What's been confusing me in my mind ... ONLY IN MY MIND is IN HER MIND, we were just fooling around. She might have been just fooling around BUT I, on the other hand ... well, anyways ... having been together since back then, there's nobody fooling around ... or at least, for the time that we've spent together ... it's definitely more than just fooling around. So we're actually five and a half years going on four, something like that. And if there's a fool, it's certainly neither one of us but someone else somewhere out there, I suppose ...

It's definiely not me.

It wasn't me in the first place.

I was IN LOVE and still AM IN LOVE.

AWWW ... heehee.

How One Actually Forgets What One Has Written Previously

I really don't understand. Really. I don't. Two of my computers - those intended for video editing are not starting up: The Power Mac G4, mind you ... the one I loaded up with 6 x 120HD's and maxed the RAM MEM is not booting at all. I turn on the power and the apple logo shows with this circle below that just keeps on going in circles. The other one that runs on Windows 2000 just keeps saying "Windows is starting ..." BUT IT IS NOT!!! It actually started the first night I got back but I updated to Service Pack 4 then hit cancel. What I don't understand is I unplugged all the power to make sure that nobody touches these computers and mess ém up while I'm gone. Nobody - I am sure touched these two computers so why aren't they starting up? When I got back from my winter sojourn, all I did was beef up all the computers in the house. I wanted to log all the videos, all the music in my audio library and yes, organize and update ALL my files. For one, I wanted to work on my raw footages and do some editing for submission to the Vancouver Film Fest or ... whatever ... like maybe when there's some sort of contest going on ... like the last time - National Geographic or something ... At least, I'm ready and I would have something decent to submit. When I left this spring, all the computers were set up and working. Too bad, I never had the chance to work on them. After a week, two of them were already malfunctioning in terms of the wireless network connection. But what I really don't understand is how a computer would just not function when nobody even used it ... or uses it? Or why, why does it have to be the the beefed-up ones that act up? I have the dinky dinosaur IBM 200MHZ - MMX, mind you that I have not touched since Y2K was the buzz word and it's still working! Hmmm ...

IS IT A SIGN?

BIG SIGH :(

And ... I was blogging ... and the power just went off and lost what I've already typed so far.

IS IT ANOTHER SIGN?

BIG BIG SIGH :(

It's amazing when you've written something ... how one actually forgets what one has written previously if it was lost - like because of power failure ... One can not really rewrite it exactly the way it was first written. Unless, of course, there is a hard copy available. Even if sometimes you've finished whatever - right ... like when you go over it and start editing ... It's never quite the same. It's like when you're taking a quiz or a test. You've answered everything and go back to the ones you've missed like when you're unsure of the answer. So you start guessing and then you go through everything and end up changing your mind. In the end, you end up with the wrong answer when in the first place, if you didn't change it - it would have been right and you get check marks for correct answers instead of "X" for wrong ones.

AAAARRGGGHHH!

Maybe ... just maybe, these are signs.

:(