There Goes My Dream ...

I had a dream.

Back in the 80's, I've always dreamt of having property up in Tagaytay where it is cool and fresh. I've scrounged over and over at classified ads for properties for sale. But of course, I was working for my mother and was just an employee in a family-owned business. I did not have enough to buy anything of real value such as lots, houses and cars. I had tons of clothing and shoes. I had my dad who spoiled me dearly however, he passed away and that was the end of that. My parents were wrapped in their own world. I grew up without sharing my passions, desires, wishes and dreams with my folks. I just babbled to whoever was there ... passer-bys, those who were around me for the moment. Some of them listened and some of them dreamt with me but they never stayed long enough.

Just me, myself and I.

The first piece of property I ever bought, sometime in 1995 I saw in the classified ads. It may not be in Tagaytay as I dreamed it would be but I made it in a way ... close ... in my heart. I took my mother to get her blessings as it was the first property of real value that I was about to purchase. My lifetime savings was also at stake, the very first time I would be buying something on my own and such a big amount. Of course, when my mother got out of my 4 by 4 as I escorted her through the mud, walking alongside the canal with neighboring countryfolks' lifestyles - pigsty, geese, chickens et al ... she was, as usual cursing and had nothing nice to say. We entered the gate where the seller greeted us. I watched my mother scrutinize the borken down house. After a couple of hours, out on the porch as the seller and my mother conversed, I was overtaken by the peacefulness and tranquility of my surroundings. At this point, I did not care if my mom gave her approval.

As we walked back to the car, my mother too was dreaming of planting herbs in the lot.

I let the property as is after I bought it saving again and dreaming some more. The adjacent property was up for sale but it was just too expensive that I had to forego with that dream. After three years, I had enough money to start construction. I found someone who fit in my dream. Five years ago, the dream became a reality.

My mother who somehow listened ... bought 2 adjacent lots in Tagaytay. In a subdivision, mind you ... which is somehow what I had in that dream. My sister-in-law however has managed to take possession of both lots by being her usual scheming ways. I did let my mom know that it was alright ... I have no desire to be live with her next door anyways. My mother as I mentioend, who somehow listens ... tries again. She has heard me a numebr of times about how I dream of having a house by the waters. And because I gave up Tagaytay, she bought another lot in a subdivision development down south where there is waterview up in the mountains ... not by the water. I am still dreaming ... of that property by a beachfront ... I hope this time my mother listens well.

Five years ago, I finally proved to my mother the most important thing for me. She has finally accepted me as an individual ... Through Guiguinto, I finally meant more than just her daughter. Ten years ago, I set out and risked it all for a dream ... The dream too became a reality. ART's was the biggest dream of it all ...

Today, I said good bye to two of my dogs. There goes my dream turning into a nightmare ...

I am sooo ... sooo, very ... very sad.

I feel so bad.

Dad?

When you have a brand new car, you are confident that it will not stall on you. Driving it around, you know that everything is just perfect. Temperatures don't rise, shifting gears a smoothie and you don't hear any tick, tick, tick or clank or whatever. The smell of a new car too is pleasant especially the leather ... Well, of course, if it's real leather. Vinyl has a different scent. So, you drive carefully heeling to a stop before you hit a hump. Until it's over a thousand kilometers or miles, depending where you are, you drive slowly. You speed up the process by going out of town. Have the car checked and serviced and for the first little while, you do the service check-ups, change oils every five thousand readings. At 10,000 normally, your car is a year old on the average. And you are accustomed to it. Depending of what type of a driver you are, your car now has scratches or maybe dents. At two years, there's a minor noises maybe if you pay attention and listen. Over five years, well ...

Last night, we went to the cemetery. It was pouring. Just before our van halted, the automatic locks went click. All the while, I thought our driver clicked the locks open but I do remember telling him that we would stay inside until the downpour stops. Before midnight, I decided to leave and drive around the city just to check out what's going on. The locks just went on and off. My significant other wanted me to lock my doors and the shotgun's seat's where Tara was. So everytime the automatic locks unlocked itself by itself, I locked the two on my side back again. It went on and on until we reached home. It was the first time that our van of three years old had that kind of thing going ...

Strange?

Happy Halloween!

Gone Diving ... Yeah!!!

It's such a pleasure to be down under. It is totally relaxing. Howevermuch the dives didn't go so well, there isn't really a bad dive. Well, of course, unless there's some serious accident happening but ... dives are always good, especially the aftermath.

Stupid, I tinkered with my camera and never really understood the manual fully well. I am sure I took shitty pictures this times as I fucked up my settings. Oh well ... Till next dive! Besides, this dive was supposedly a course anyway. We took the Peak Performance Bouyancy Specialty Course. It's supposed to make us better divers (enjoy diving more, lessen air consumption, streamlining, effortless diving, etc.), as if we don't already! We've been doing two-hour dives. Now if we don't enjoy it so much, why would we be diving for two hours, eh. Stream-lined? Effortless? So, anyways ...

I did try out for the first time diving with my dry-suit in warm waters. It sure is a nice feeling to be dry after a dive. However, the discomforts I feel all through out especially the squeeze do not compensate for the after-the-dive-dry feeling. Not to mention, wanting to pee. Maybe, I'll just dive with my dry suit when the water's like really cold and just make our DM suffer.

LOL!

Quiet Time

Everybody who knows me, really ... knows that I don't fully function as a human being for at least an hour or so after I wake up. I need quiet time by myself sipping two mugs of coffee and smoking a couple or two to speed up the process. Nature calls in between coffee and smokes. Others spend their quiet time on the throne with either a magazine or a book. I rather indulge myself with thoughts ... whatever thoughts. I may or may not be looking at my bedroom ceiling but wherever I maybe staring at ... it's within my own little world. Caught up in there. Whatever it is that may cross my mind like those that are burried, put aside or dreamt about. Sometimes silly, sometimes sad ... well, there are times when they are really quite depressing. Sometimes, happy thoughts as in wishes and dreams. Tribulations ... everything and anything that does not have to make sense and if it ever does, it does not even matter to anybody but me. During these wakening hours, I awaken. Any disturbance or intervention of this morning ritual screws up my day ... the life I try to live one day at a time. Of course, there are pleasant twists like when I'm just about to open my eyes and I feel a kiss ... or warm flesh beside me ... or smell of freshly brewed coffee by my side. Waking hours that I've spent staring out the window, watching the grass grow. Staring at sea and watching dolphins go by. Waking hours either make or break the day.

Everyday, I somehow ponder. My significant other chuckles for she says that my mind has no ability to stop thinking just for a second, that it forever ticks ... So when I say "I was thinking ... or I was wondering ..." She always laughs. These are the cobwebs of my mind ... the passage through my soul or should I say, the path my soul goes leading to my heart ... to me ...

Everyday, I somehow think of how the previous days went and what I should tackle for the day ahead. I look forward to tomorrow for better days to come and keep that smile in my heart ...

YESTERDAY, I found out that a former employee, a friend passed away. He served me well, very well in fact that there were times that I really missed having him around after he resigned. I wish that may his soul finally be at peace for he was lost, searching but not finding any tangible thing to hold on dearly. I've often wish I could do something for him while he was around. I didn't know any way but just to let him go as he pleased. He was a good friend.

Death is not a bad thing. I sometimes even feel envy for those who die, free from this harsh cruel world ... God bless the souls that have gone back to heaven.

God bless you, Joey.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY

Let's think of happy thoughts ...

Someday,

I will publish a book just as I did produce an album one day even if not a single hit the the top 100 countdown ...
I will exhibit my works just as my alma mater exhibited some of them ...
I will make headlines just as I did manage to get myself featured at CNN ...

I WILL

and stop just dreaming ...

BUT I WILL NEVER STOP DREAMING!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I dunno ... maybe, the world is really coming to an end. Anxious, people were as the clock strikes twelve December 31, 1999 when nobody really solved the Y2K bug. Of course, there was Nostradamus of the 14th century who wrote in verses that only him knew what he was talking about. To this day, theologians and the like are still deciphering them. What good are these revelations and prophecies when they are as vague as they can be. Talk about anti-Christs, the big earthquake and whatnots. Time passes by so quickly nowadays. People seem to have lost their sense of what is important ... really. Everything that used to be is so immaterial nowadays in such a material world.

When the world comes to an end ... Well, Bush for one is escalating it ... The suspected anti-Christ aka Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and their fanatic followers ... the never-ending search for their homeland of the forever wandering jews ... the utopians, cummies, capitalists, socialists, imperialists ... Now, tell me, I am so confused with all these pounding in my head. I have enough cobwebs in my mind.

Information society ... globalization ... high-technology ... China sending man in space and eventually overtaking the world ...

WHATEVER ...

AND ALL FOR WHAT?

Such is the meaning of life, HA!

God ... can we just possible make it simpler?

Start over. And this time, stay away from the GOD-DAMNED APPLE!

I Never Do or Do I?

I never learn.

Life is a cycle. It goes on and on. Just as the earth revolves around the sun, it also turns on its on axis in the same rhythmic passion from day to night, night to day and days to months, months to years and years to decades ... centuries and lightyears. Five billion lightyears away, where would it be? Five billion years from now, I definitely would not be but life still may be and some other being would be thinking the same things I am thinking now. Some other being would be asking the same question my significant other wondered and worried about.

I never learn.
My life's own cycles. I go through these cycles. Some bigger and longer ones, others small and a number minute to even notice. Beginning and end where the end becomes the beginning and so it goes. Trapped in your own little world of new beginnings and different endings. And as you live longer and look back, you learn that one never learns even how often history repeats itself. It does, really. You go through the same cycle thinking that this time, you would do something else based from the past, you would or would not do it again. Along the way, if you stop and think, it's just the cycle all over again.

I never learn.
It is always easier for a child. With no worries and woes, with no preconceived notions. Ignorance is bliss, innocence a blessing. Filled with ideals and aspirations, a child looks at the world with hope and wonder. Happiness and contentment, easily attained. Friendships mean friendships. Relationships, never questioned and just accepted. When an infant is hungry, it cries. When it is full, it burps and falls asleep eventually. When it wets, it cries. When it's time to do what it has to do, then it does it and it is done. And in this cycle of life, in the end when we revert back and become a child once again, we all do the same things. Only this time, we are not as happy and content. Tears roll down our eyes as memories flash back. A mother breastfeeding a child, although however burdened some may be always have the joy within. The child that once was spoonfeeding the aged mother burdened, hopefully never lose the joy within.

Life's cycle. The things we should learn along the way.

I never learn.
I go through the same cycles over and over again. I've gone through my cycles thrice and still, I have never learned from the past two.

The cycle will not stop until I learn. I can't stop until the last breath.

I better learn then.

Feng Shui.

So let's try it out. Change the orientation of all the doors going in. Never mind the plasters and forego with the aesthetics.

Down The Hill

Yesterday was the very first day since I got back that I felt I did not accomplish any task although I actually did. I finally set up the webcam pages that were missing. The turn of events just dragged my spirits to the pits. First, I had problems with Yahoo uploading the webcam. Then, about lunchtime, the network server just went poofed. It was downhill after that. I couldn't concentrate. My eyes were starting to feel puffy, I felt so icky that I wanted to jump in the shower or probably a nice hot bath in the jacuzzi would have served me better. The DSL tech came to check up on the modem and stayed till the evening loitering all over the house. He was so nosy to a point that I almost lost my cool. He wasn't really too irritating and it was just his nature considering that he's one of those less fortunate and didn't have enough education. Specialized in what he does but he not really knowing much about how the technology works together as a whole. What is better? Jack of all trades and a master of none or the other way around?

By nightfall, I realized that I was suffering from PMS. Not again! PRIMROSE OIL, I need some primrose oil. Better yet, how about some prozac? While I was staring at the ceiling, thoughts about how times have changed passed by. How the decisions I made in the past seem to be the wrong ones considering with what was happening to the world now ... mine included. I am just left correcting now or trying, at least to get by. Guilt.

Mom, for one has always been good at making me feel guilty. Everytime she thinks out loud about the time that the building I am currently occupying was for sale and I actually said that there really wasn't a point in buying it since we were in the process of immigrating to Canada. For one, she wasn't liquid and was contemplating on borrowing from the bank. I knew that all I had to say at that moment is go ahead but I did not. So everytime she tells that story over and over again, she just makes me feel guilty more and more. As a matter of fact, she's repeating the same story now that my contract has expired.

And so I stare at my beroom ceiling as she stares at the living room's ceiling. She again tells the same stories over and over again. She asks me why she listened to me? Why she renovated our ancestral house? She's stuck with higher realty tax, higher maintenance cost while the economy is just getting worse and so with my business. Again, it seems that I am to blame. And so I stare at my bedroom ceiling as she seems to make some sense.

What am I going to do now?

There are no good TV shows that can keep my eyes glued on the idiot box. All the good shows are gone. Even the music is nothing extraordinary. There really is nothing so new or so fresh.

THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

Duh

Is there any hope for stupid people? Is stupidity a valid excuse?

Duh ...

And So With Everythingelse In The End

What TODAY holds ...
TOMORROW brings
YESTERDAY IS GONE.

To Do or Not To Do

I'm doing pretty good with my TO DO LIST. Or at least I'm getting things however trivial and petty they are ... DONE. Yesterday, I finally finished retouching the pictures from Canada. This morning, I've updated my dive logs.

Checklist 101

1 DOGS
1.1 Dog Book Library
1.2 Spay/Neuter List
1.3 Interview Questionaire
1.4 Budget, Show and Ad
1.5 Update Database
1.6 Website Update

2 THE ARTS
2.1 Database, Photo and Film
2.2 Video Logs and Edit
2.3 Transfer Photos to Albums
2.4 Print Photos
2.5 Read Workbooks and Manuals
2.6 Sign-Up for Workshops
2.7 Shoot and Paint

3 ARTS VENUE
3.1 Survey
3.2 Gather Information
3.3 Hold Meetings
3.4 Analyze Systems and Procedures, Organizational Chart
3.5 Restructure, Reorganize and Retrain

Balance

Through the course of my lifetime, I have played hard and worked hard with much passion. I learned along the way. Some of which experience taught me well, others experience polished. Generally, those who go to school spend two decades of their lives in it. Well, there are of course the less fortunate ones who never went to school and the more unfortunate ones who decided to drop out and be a drop out of society as well. There are those who continue on forever searching, learning and glued to printed paper perhaps ... the scholars, professors who miss out on one half of the whole deal living their life vicariously through someone else's experiences. Not all we learn, we remember and as we grow older, we do forget a lot of things that we've tucked away. They are there and that's what makes us unique. And underneath all these is CHANGE ... the changes we all go through that which always lead to refinement whether it be for the good or for worse. It is finetuned. When one chooses to be a con man, his skills get polished too. It's just a matter of the old cliche, the battle between good and bad ... yin and yang ... day and night ... black and white.

Balance.

It is when no matter how ugly, unfair and terrible the situation may be ... one sees the beauty of it all as how good and wonderful it really is in the end. Everything falls into its proper places. After every storm, although how wicked or how high the tsunamis get ... everything settles down and there's always the sun shining through.

God bless us all.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Since 1988, everytime that plane landed whether it be Canada or the Philippines, I always had the same ol' feeling of coming home. It's like the good-to-be-home-kinda thing which I also get the same kind of feeling when I take the first step off the bus or the subway when it hits my stop in Manhattan.

It's odd that for the first time I am feeling homesick and miss the Maple Leaf and exactly what I miss, I can not put a finger on it. I have never felt this way before.

Hmmm ...

Decades

Ten years! A decade has passed.

I've been around for four and a half decades, 2 have been spent during the night time. Twenty two years, well twenty three almost. I'd say three years from now during the silver year, I should be fully retired from this kind of lifestyle. It's just but the right time to go on semi-retirement now. For the past two decades I have been awake at night till the sun rises. I dreaded the sun like a vampire. And like a vampire, I did not age so much except for the dark rings in my eyes. My complexion too ... I was spared from pollution and no traffic. I enjoyed the night life, partying while working and working while partying. I met people from different walks of life ... more or less where more is more and less is less, and nothing but average. Dreamers, losers, winners and achievers I brush elbows with and tossed glasses, brushed cheeks and indulged in chit-chat, shared visions and forever dreamt ...

Happy times. Fun times. The ups always were more than the downs. I felt with passion. I was alive and lived through the fullest. Thank you, Lord for making my life worth living.

Today is the official day that I am operating without a contract on my lease.

'twas GOOD!

What did I do today?

I HAD A GOOD LAUGH. Marcial, our driver was filling up the tank at the gas station. While waiting, this gasoline attendant-female went up to the van's side mirror at the driver's side. She looked at her reflection up close then started making faces. The van's windows were tinted one way so she didn't know that there were people inside watching her. She continued on and started pricking blackheads or whatever on her nose for a good five minutes. Rem and I were cracking up watching her.

I HAD GOOD COFFEE. We met up with Karen at Starbucks. The cappuccino I ordered wasn't very good but the coffee jelly was. Oh yeah, the other day over at UCC Vienna Cafe, I had a good meal: Chicken Terriyake Eggplant Sandwich, one of my favorites. Rem and I tried out this Pod Thai, it was good enough. Everything tastes good when one is hungry. I didný much like dinner though except Mom was sweet enough to buy me some fresh greens. I miss my salads. I feel I am gaining weight again. I haven't been physical since I got back. Need to sweat and stop eating again.

Inventories

Spent the whole day retouching the underwater photos I took during our last dive. Saturday, I spent the whole morning organizing the photos and negatives. I'm still missing my old negatives file. I wonder where it has gone to? Astral, maybe. That's one other thing that should be included in my TO DO LIST. But that's not so important. It's just a matter of getting things in order in terms of my music library. The things one accumulates or acquire throughout one's lifespan, eh.

I should do an inventory of some sort and draw up my will.

Go With The Flow ... In Traffic

A whole day in traffic! We started out as early as 8 AM to pick up Gina and an hour and a half later, we finally got to her place. Then off we went to Art's and we get there for another hour and a half. We surveyed the place, had lunch and left at 12:30 NN thinking that traffic since it's lunchbreak shouldn't be so bad. Off to the kennels we went with no traffic should only be forty five minutes to an hour. By the time we got there, we were pooped from the heat. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go that the air-conditioning system just didn't cope up with it. AAARRRGGGHHH! We did our rounds as to what needed touch-ups and repairs after cooling down. At 4PM, we were on the road again to meet up with Karen at the Fort area. Well, we ended up at UCC two and a half hours later and decided to have dinner. We finally got home close to 10 PM. Traffic is really horrible these days. There's no such thing as rush hour anymore. It seems that even in the wee hours of the morning, it's still a stop and go situation and never a free flow. And it's not going to improve come Christmas season.

I finally proofed the photos I took the last dive. There are some very nice shots, I was surprised actually. "Gee, I took that?" It just makes me want to go diving again and take more shots. Today, when I woke up I decided to organize the film negatives and positives. Ideas are hovering mad. Do oil painting with some of KQ's underwater shots and have a side by side exhibit. Also an exhibit of dogs and marine life as in "Paws-N-Fins". Or maybe, start compiling the photos into portfolios. Enlarge some of them. Publish.

Toffee's and Zoom's documents arrived. All these ... everything seems to be falling into place. Signs. Signs. Signs. It's about the right time, I suppose. Go with the flow. Expend energy and expand. Live. And thank you for the blessings, Lord!

Need I Say More?

Awesome! Great! Wonderful! Pleasant! Most relaxing! Most Fulfilling! Most satisfying!

I had fun diving! We broke our own record!!! 121 minutes for one dive! The four dives we did were all over 60 minutes! It is just so nice to be diving in warm water again with gear that you are really comfortable with. This is also the first time I was serious with my macro photography. It's actually just the second time I held a still camera doing macro but I consider this first because this is actually the first time that I wasn't at all concerned about other things like bouyancy ... sharks ... trigger fish ... I was just drifting wherever there was anything of interest to the eye and making the shot. It wasn't even point and shoot ... It was really gratifying!

Now if we can only do this more often. We know what that means, don't we?