Death Wish

People who talk about committing suicide don't. They don't. They just talk about committing suicide. It's just a sign of wanting attention or needing some attention desperately. Wallowing in self pity, they want other people to pity them so they can pity themselves more. Others do it as a form of emotional blackmail.

Those who do commit suicide just do it. And most often, when you tell a person who constantly talk about how they would kill themselves to JUST DO IT, they snap out of it.
Those who just do it, well ... they end up dead. Worst it if they do and they don't succeed. They become the most misreable living creatures for they end up as failures all the more since they can't even commit suicide right. There's no point in saying that they go crazy or lose it cause the fact that they did try suicide means they've lost it. No sane person would jump off the cliff.

I have thought of ways of dying. The best way to go. And how I would like my funeral. My mother always nagged me about how nobody would attend my wake since I don't show face at important occassions like weddings, birthday parties and burials. I would be dead. So, how would I know if so and so came and would I really care since I'm already dead during my wake. People staring down at my body inside the coffing thinking of stuff like how I was or reminiscing the good times they've spent with me. Some maybe feeling sorry.
Others hurting, maybe. Feeling some kind of loss. But we all end up dead.

I've fantasized about dying at aged 45. I thought that it is a good age to die. One does not have too much wrinkles yet. Hey, I just turned 45. I haven't finished doing my will. I downloaded a program and started out doing inventories and stuff to fill up the form. I have never gotten around to doing it. Besides, I don't think there's any going to be left behind at the rate I'm going.

I don't quite understand why some people want to grow old. Withered, useless and incapacitated. I envy those who die young. We hear people say that the Lord has called on them for they have served Him well. Only the good die young. So why would anybody wish not to go when it's time and He's calling ...

So, I suppose I'm not dying at aged 45. I just want to but I ain't.