Tired, Exhausted and Weary

That I am.  I shut down my businesses last April.  At first, I was sort of enjoying doing nothing.  Oh, just rolling around the bed with my babies.

Every morning while I'm having my breakfast, I look up and see the mess in the attic.  When I go take my shower, I see the piles of clothes getting higher and higher waiting to be put in the cabinet.  I can't even find anything anymore.  It's a total mess which actually is an understatement.

So this is retirement, I say to myself.  Then one day, I just decided to do something about my surroundings and it has been almost three weeks now ...  I'm just organizing, putting things away ... 

I'm tired and exhausted.  I am breaking out and have rashes on my neck.  Weary ...  will I ever get all my stuff organized.  I'm living a trashy life ...  it's time to trash a lot of my accumulated stuff over the years and move on.

Six Feet Under

My friend bugged me to watch the series and because I was at work, I always missed the show. She would then just tell me about the characters and how funny the storyline is. Finally, I got the whole 1st season DVD set and while we were up in Baguio, just watched the whole season from the beginning to the end. Yes, it was funny alright. And now that I've finally watched it ... and am basically doing nothing and have time to watch it, the show got canned. I can't even get my hands on the second season's DVD set.

SIX FEET UNDER

That would have been me had I not finally decided to take it easy. So, I shut down all my business operations last April 30, 2006. So maybe, all you out there who's been reading my blog wondering what the hell happened ... I've been so ... gone ... LOST ... That's another TV show I'm hooked on nowadays. Not to mention all the CSI's from Las Vegas to Miami to New York. I turned into a couch potato and also looking like one too. Of course, to my significant other's dismay. We've both gone celibate and menopausal. And with my condition, I am also fascinated with all these med TV shows like Dr. House, Grey's Anatomy ... Just in case you have not gone across or I may have never blogged about it since I'm so lost in my own space and time ... the cobwebs are now in my brain ... I have a scarred hypothalamus due a stroke I never even knew about. My doctor adviced that I should change lifestyle and try to get rid of all the risk factors. So now, I eat very healthy. No cholesterol, no fat, no salt ... NO TASTE. But hey, healthy food grows on you really, and they do have taste however bland. I'm usually asleep with the help of RIVOTRIL by 10 PM or 11 max. Last February, I again had the TIA's ... was on heavy medications and walking like a zombie. I went in the MRI spaceship again but this time, I had a more extensive invasion. I now have two sets of pictures of my brain. One of the two main artery going to the brain is hypoplastic or something. From what I understood from my neurolgist's explanation is that I only have one out of two functioning but there's really nothing to worry about. She just said, change lifestyle. The same thing she said the first time around. Change lifestyle, not just food. LIFESTYLE. She said that all she can do is prescribe me medications and sedate me. If I don't free myself from stress ... or I don't slow down ... relax ... and enjoy the nothingness of living ... I will soon be nothing ...

SIX FEET UNDER!

All I Ever Wanted

It's funny how life plays tricks on us.  We keep wanting things the other way around.  When we have something, we wish for something else or another one that we think is better.  When we finally have it ...  we just couldn't stop wanting for more or wishing for something else.  I kept wishing to have time to do what I want to do.  I didn't have time to do this or that in the past.  Time just passed me by, waking up late in the afternoon with the whole morning gone.  I didn't even have time to go to the mall or watch a movie.  So much time was lost for the passed 25 years or so, maybe less ... time's just passed me by so quickly.

Now. I have time in my hands when I know I can go any time.  But still, all the things I've ever wanted to do if only I had the time ... I'm still not doing.

In Too Deep

I am.  In too deep in the hole.  I can't get out.  I see no way out and digging myself even deeper.

I am exhausted.

Tired and weary.

But ...  negates everything.  I am still happy.