And So It Begins

The year has gone by fast. It's Christmas time again and soon, the new year begins. My 46th year has begun. We have been blessed, I have been blessed once again ... with a bundle of joy. He gave me a little angel, my hope ... a new life, blossoming ... from the heavens above, my little angel ... Caitlin Kitiara Annika.

All the stress and tension have ceased. My condition is stable and I'm feeling better. Staring at her beautiful face, holding her tiny body and caressing her hands ... it's so soothing. And when she smiles, all the worries in the world don't matter. My mother is all smiles too and the minute she has this urge to start nagging, and she sees Ckas, she forgets. All the more when Ckas smiles at her or when the little angel puts her hand in her ears.

It's such a warm feeling looking at my significant other holding the precious one in her hands ... feeding her ... nurturing her ... caring for her. It brings a smile on my face seeing the two of them, CKAS sprawled on top of her, over her in whatever position while she tries to go through her emails and stuff. I am so amazed with the way my significant other has been handling the baby.

Our house has finally become a home. Christmas will be different this year. All will be well.

THANK GOD.

:)

The Beginning and The End

So the end did not happen. It's a happy ending afterall. For every death, there's rebirth. A new beginning has dawned. I turned 46 last December 5. I thought I wouldn't make it. I did. I surpassed 45. I've been given a new life. I had a very mild stroke. I didn't even feel it when it was happening, I couldn't even recall when it exactly happened. All I know is that sometime in June when everything was zooey ... I haven't even recovered from the all the balikbayans that attended my mom's 80th birthday around March ... We got so busy opening the other branch, dealing with the contractors ... the trainees ... the initial inventories ... the preparation for business operations ... training staff ... I was exhausted. I didn't eat properly. I didn't sleep well. I was worried about the debts that I incurred. Meanwhile, my mom left for Canada so I had to make do with my resources to pay-off remaining payables. I pawned one of my condos. I really dug myself a deep hole I didn't know if I'd ever get out. Hopeless, frustrated, exhausted, tired, weary, drained ... Trying too hard to make ends meet, to make things work, I was ... failing ... my right foot started aching. I went to the doctor and he said I had tendonitis and prescribed pain killers. A line of pain went up to my ankle, then to my knee, then up my hip to the lower back up to the upper back, shoulders, neck and head. All of my right side was in pain. I was on pain killers everyday just to get through and get things done. Then my mom called from Canada wanting me to fly over ASAP. First it was the bank then they tried my mom's health as an excuse for me to get my ass over there. Leave everything hanging and as chaotic as it was ... Yeah, right. And when my mo comes back, I would never hear the end of it. Like when we stayed in Canada back in 2003, over and over again she says that the reason why my business went bad was because I wasn't around. Well, I was WITH HER in Canada the whole time. HELLO!

By the way, as I recall ... I wanted to retire. Shut down the business, pay-off debts and live on what's ever left of my savings. Travel, go diving and take it easy. Do my photography and videos. Earn a little on the side, freelance. That's what I wanted to do BUT NO! Mom said, "What are you going to do? You are too young to retire. It's hard not doing anything. Do you have 50 Million saved? Only when you have 50 Million can you retire." Why? WHY? WHY DID I LISTEN? Had I not listened, maybe I wouldn't have had the stroke. Now, I am forced to changelifestyle ... take it easy ... retire ... Now that am in debt ... no savings ... nothing ... I can't dive deep so how the hell am I going to explore the Great Barrier Reef? Maldives? Sipadan? Even Palau and Tubbataha are questionable now. And what's killing me inside ... I am now dependent on her ... back to zero ... I'm feeling like a total failure ... an idiot who can't run a business ... stupid ...

I thought I've had it all back then. I even said I was ready to go anytime since my life has been so full. At a very young age, I have accomplished so much. God plays mean tricks. Just about when you think you've made it, He turns everything around and teaches you more. It's such a humbling experience, what He's teaching me now. And I feel in my hear that He really does love and care for me. That I am trully blessed. He is forever with me ... guiding me ... It may not be what I think is the best, but I believe He knows better. Thy will be done.