First Impressions ... False Faces

and while waiting ...

enjoying some quiet time ...

with myself.

it's nice.

i was out driving today. around. all over. at a stop light as i stared at it it seemed like i'm viewing a wide-angle screen of a view, as if i was watching a movie. i shut my eyes real tight.

"what's happening to me?" i asked myself and looked around where i was. where was i?
on my way to the mall. errands. blockbuster, cleaners, groceries.

i sneaked a little shopping on the side. bought a 28-300mm lens for nikon. i was feeling constraint from the one i had which was a 70-300mm. i see a nice landscape or view, it just lingers in my memory.

on my way home just before the bridge, a song was playing and the dj muttered something like ... "all she ever wanted."
Remy, that's what i said about her four years ago around this time. "she's all i ever wanted and more." :)
of course, i didn't know her very well then or at least not as much as i know her now and more ... in the years to come.

false impressions. there were a lot of things i made up in my mind. was too blinded but what i was feeling which was rather intense. well, not much has changed. my feelings are still very much intense 'cept this time, i love her for what she is. no longer a figment of my imagination. :)

well, hey ... it might be just the other way around for her.

false impressions of me. maybe, maybe not.

she hates my snoring.

:)

Each Day I Walk. Walk, Walk, Walk. Walk The Dogs!

and while waiting ...

Now ... each day i walk the dog. Madonna said to one fat pig, "Walk as much as you can, as far as you can go." Somehow, I don't understand. I have been diligent since I started with the treadmill back from where I come from and now ... daily, I walk Cohjie. Boy, he's one lucky dog. My babies would appreciate me walking them so much more whereas Cohjie drags his ass every morning when I come fetch him from the bedroom. It feels my tummy is not getting any smaller. Must be my mom's cooking. I haven't been gorging. I don't understand, really. My pants are getting tighter. It's either that or gravity is really setting in that all the fat is drooping ... all the walking I'm doing is just pulling my fat down and I can feel it overlapping-drooped over my belt. Hmmm... what's bad is I can even feel it. Aaaarrrggghhhh. See, I told you... something is really not quite right.

I read Jann Arden Something's blog and she said, one must spend time alone. It's like... being with yourself and keeping in touch with yourself. Yeah... that's how I start out my days now. Walking with Cohjie. Not that it makes a lot of difference because, I am alone. Like, I can be ALONE even if I am with company. There's a switch... I can easily go off ... in my own little private space. I don't even have to be like physically be alone to be alone. Somehow, it seems like the other way around. Like I get the urge to be with people because I've had too much of myself already... Haha! It's like I talk to myself all the time, not out loud tho'. My mind just goes endlessly with thoughts and the way to shut it off is to be physically with other people around. And sometimes, that does not even work to a certain extent. Haha. So there you go Jann, how about that?

Death... that was one of the recent discussions I had with my inner self. I pretty much forgot what it was all about. That was hmmm ... 2 or 3 days ago. Then the other day, it was how life becomes just a lie afterwards ... like how everything turns out to be just one lie after another or a string of lies ... just lies. Well, if it's not real or ends up to be what it is not then it becomes just a lie. Take my life for example. I was brought up as me and when I found out I was adopted, then my life ... the one I lived for 24 years was just a lie. When we were kids, we were told by our parents this or that and as we grow up, we find out it is not so ... so there you go, a string of lies. Just lies.

Even Adam and Eve ... that was this morning. God created Adam and Eve and they lived in the Garden of Eden. They had everything ... there was just that one tree that they were forbidden to eat apples from. Adam and Eve ... so when we refer to our fellowmen as our brothers, they are really are our brothers. Hmmm ... blasphemous ... Everything becomes just a lie, afterwards ... a string of lies, just lies.

In the end, what really matters?

Shit You Waste On

well... i am still in a wait and see sit...shit-U-waste-on.

hmmm... something is definitely not quite right. let's see what happens next ...

Crossroads

In limbo, that's where I am. Uncertain, undecided and at a crossroad. Just waiting ...

Am I missing anything from just standing and not doing anything? Quietly, peacefully just looking at the world ... detached, oblivious and alienated.

It has always been trying to please others because it pleases me, doing things for the others or helping others ... making their lives easier, making them happy ... teaching, preaching, reaching out ... developing them to their full potential ... leading, guiding the way and lending a helping hand ... doing have-to's, must-do's and shoulds ...

In Exile

Well, it has been almost a year ... soon. Since my life sort of changed drastically. I was forced, shoved and sent to exile in my own home. Not that I mind, really. It is actually pleasantly blissful in my behalf. I am content, at peace and happy. What more can one ask?

My life then was just ... awake at night and asleep during the day. I would often rush to get out of bed if I needed to run bank errands just before it closes at 4pm. Then they shortened the hours and closed at 3pm and all the more I had problem getting in the nick of time. I drink a lot of coffee, I smoke cigarette sticks one after the other. It takes me at least 2 and a half to three hours to really wake up as in not walking like a zombie. I'd always wake up swollen as in bloated and looked like a frog with two black eyes. My first meal would almost always be dinner and off we go to work. As soon as I get to the office, I go straight to the rest room and have the runs. Gee, is that what stress is? Then during the whole night, once in awhile I would get up from in front of my computer and move around the area, chat with the employees and by the end of the workshift, I'd be looking over reports and signing checks. Of course, there are in-betweeners like a supervisor, head or manager would come up for either approval, suggestion or that kind of stuff. There would also be instances when I would deal with problems, some of them very petty and they just seem to come all at the same time. Like when it rains, it pours. Depending on what the night brings, my bowel movement is proportional to what takes place. When there are lots of people, I run to the restroom for fear of fights and arguments. When there are no customers, I still run to the restroom for fear of sales not enough to cover the daily expenses. Although I have stopped reporting for work seven times a week, it doesn't mean that I don't cause during days off, I receive calls wherever I am and whenever, even when I am asleep I am required to wake up from a dream to deal with problems that I seem to be the only one with the solution. Probably the only time that I am out of reach is when I go scuba-diving and in the middle, underneath the deep blue sea which I did every other week just so to relax. And when I have pent-up emotions, I either speed up on my motorbikes or the jet-skis.

That was my life.

And part of that, of course, it's not all that bad. I earned lots of money and yes, I splurged a lot left and right. I doted on myself, my mother and my girlfriend. I love giving gifts. It gives me more pleasure to see people happy when I give them something. I was also generous to the people around me especially my employees which also made me very happy. It is nice to help when you can. I was helping lots of people, not only materially but yes, somehow... contributed to their own spirituality and development, I hope. Somehow, the people around me were happy which in turn, made me happy ... although I have to admit that it was somewhat a form of happiness where it was fleeting ...

I don't know if it is because of the onset of menopause, midlife crisis or just fate, destiny or whatever you might want to term it. I don't know. I really don't know. I just knew that despite all the achievements and accomplishments, somehow there was still some kind of emptiness. A void. It wasn't as bad as before ... the loneliness intensified by longing ... I no longer feel that since Rem came into my life. Somehow, she sort of usherred the change ... in ME. The loneliness is gone. I no longer long for anybody, I feel complete and yet ... it really has nothing to do with her. It's more of what I really want out of life. What I want to do with mine.

The meaning of life or my life at least.

I've been one lucky bastard, actually. I've always been. Amidst the threats, safety and security that come with the business ... yes, I am lucky. Well, I play safe. I also want to keep my enemies close more than my friends ... but somehow, it seems I'm running out or at least, put myself in a hole to make them lose interest and stay away. And in my own little world, I am now very content. I am still uncertain and at crossroads, undecided ... just gliding along and enjoying the ride. Waiting patiently for signs on the road for which path to take in this road we call life ...

God will show me the way.

He always does.

Uh-huh

Ok.

And so the gospel said, God gave seeds to different men to sow and you know how the story goes. Each man had their own different way of planting the seeds, they each had different types of soil for that matter and probably different weather, too. Those on the lazy side did not water as much and there's the one who just drowned the poor seeds. If God created man in His image and He is the only perfect being, then He is what all men combined. And so He accepts His own totality, flaws included. That is why He thus forgive men. In then end, what matters is to be able to live with one's self. Even God, in the likeness of Him, man that He created Himself.

Uh-huh.

Existence

In a matter of two weeks, I'm out of the cold... in the deep blue sea, out in the ocean and in the water. And in between days, from today until then my mind is a bliss... fleeting away... in space, not the final frontier... just space. I am flying, gliding in my thoughts...

Existence has never meant so much.

I exist.

Not that my existence has any major meaning.

I just exist, that's all.

Just a feeling inside of me that brings forth the beginning of a smile at the corner of my lips emanating from my heart.

And I am grateful. Thank you.

NO
is the most important word that you teach a dog.

There is a stage when we were children that the only word that comes out of our mouths is "NO!"

Why is it there are a lot of people then that don't quite know how to say "NO" and also quite a lot of people who just don't understand what "NO" means? There isn't any other meaning. NO means NO. YES means YES. MAYBE is MAY BE ... something in between ... may be YES, may be NO ...

NO ...
I'm sorry but NO, I can not do or I do not like. It is in a way selfish, yes. A somewhat admittance of selfishness much like the kid and we know kids are selfish ... so they can just say NO to almost everything all the time. And you twist it around and they still would say NO even it is YES already.

What is so bad about being selfish? It's the only one we all got.

I think I'd rather be selfish than be miserable or compromise my well-being as to always trying to please everyone around me ... driving me nuts. I'm sure people would appreciate a sane person around them more than being in a cuckoo's nest, eh.

My babies need to get laid.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A question we often ask kids, a question we were asked when we were kids and perhaps, even wrote an essay or two for english class ... the "what-did-you-do-last-summer-stuff-kind-of-thing. I sort of talked to my nephew, the youngest one last summer, for the sake of my very-disappointed-mother. My birth brother's whole family have been living off her in the sense that she still pays for his house's water bills and stuff. My mother sent his sons to college and the last of them, the youngest went for two years and just decided to drop out. A taste of earning his own money, worked at Bread Connection and got cozy, taking his sweet time forgetting about his grandmother's dilemma over his not finishing any course in college. So over and over again, repeatedly and constantly, my mother would say in dismay how much money she spent that he wasted for having enrolled two years in college and then just dropping out. It would be okay if my nephew is the one who suffers hearing the story over and over again. I've tried every possible reasons in trying to soothe my mother's bitchiness over the subject matter. Finally, I decided to tap into my nephew's shoulder and give him a little push, some sort of encouragement ... a little push to get him going. He always had it in him, music. But being the last of three children, he seems just a tad bit distant from everybodyelse so we, are left into wonderment as to what's going on with him ... his mind ... his life ...

I remember him answering that particular question a decade ago. He wanted to be an architect. And sometime when he was still in highschool, he answered the same question but at the time, he wanted to be a teacher ... something like a history teacher of some sort. I never got to ask him the same question when he finished highschool and he never seemed to be around when I was in town. The last time I really bonded with him was when he just tagged along with me at dog shows ... I got him a dog that apparently he never really ended up caring for because Benjie took care of Cohjie more. So, I suggested in the most subtle way ... enrolled him at Tom Lee's for guitar lessons. I showed him some stupid music softwares and told him the things he could do that I myself am interested in doing. I mentioned that right after college I went down in L.A. and checked out some of the specialized schools that offerend courses on becoming a sound technician of some sort. I am happy that he checked out schools of that nature. He said he needed to write up a 500-word essay as why he wanted to become an Audio Engineer. Anything with engineer to me means math and it gives me this visual splash of algebraic formulas!!! That's why, after I have inquired in the L.A. School of Sound Reinforcements, I never submitted the essay they asked of me. But the thought of being a Sound Engineer is really cool.

I guess, it is true that as parents, people try to enforce to their children things they wanted to do but couldn't. That kids are actually their extentions. So, I suppose, I might really be some sort of a disappointment to my mother for not really turning out the way she envisioned me to be. It's not like if you bear your own kids because when you do, the situation does not entirely give you a choice. But when you choose to have a kid like say, adopt one, a choice more or less is made. So, all you can ponder about is that nagging feeling of "where have I gone wrong with the choice I made?"

I'm turning 44 this year and I am still asking myself what I want to be when I grow up. I've tried a lot of things and not only that, I've even succeeded in most of the things that I thought I wanted to be only to find out that they were things I really didn't care much for. I just thought they were what I wanted. There are still a lot more other things I want to be. It would be cool to have a Phd added to my name. I still want to be a Veterinarian. I do want to be a Professional Show Handler, a Dog Trainer, a Canine Behaviourist. Hey, I said Professional ... which means I want to get paid for it or make some sort of living and earning my keep from it. Like I want to be a Journalist, a Writer or a Photographer on a professional level like my works getting published and not by me. I still want to be a renowned Director or Producer. Yes, I've had some experience in producing shows and concerts, record albums and stuff like that but what I want is to make big money out of it and not the nickel and dime deals.

The eldest of the three nephews when asked the same question replied ... "I wanna do whatever Ninang does." Of course, to him, what I did was totally just a concept or should I say, an impression I gave. He didn't exactly know what I was doing. He was just around me and was totally fascinated with all the gadgets I was toying with. He watched me mixing turntables and browsed through my vast collection of audio tapes. He saw me doing graphics on the computer at the time when multi-media was still at its roots. He say me pressing buttons on VCR's editing and putting together presentations. It was something he envisioned himself doing, something to do with the arts ... an expression of himself. I am happy for him. I like what he's doing now ... Hmmm, now if i can only have his job. Heehee.

The middle one at first wanted to be a veterinarian then convinced himself for awhile that he would like to spend the rest of his life looking at mouths, gums and teeth smelling different breath aromas. But of course, I suppose when he realized that becoming a dentist involves being in front of someone's mouth, he was then left undecided as to what he really wanted to do. He finished his four year course but somehow, Lola is not too impressed and wants him to go back for another 4 to 6 years more to become a Doctor of Medicine which means BIG MONEY. Now if he ever goes back to school, he could might as well go back just for a year to please Lola and end up as a Professor. He could then also further his studies and become a Phd of some sort and end up as hmmm ... Scientist?

But it does seem time is running out when growing up means becoming a grown-up.

To my beloved nephews, enjoy your life ... enjoy it while you can, every second and every minute of it!

My babies need to get laid.

Oh ... maybe someday, my blogs will get noticed and a publisher will come along and these streaming thoughts compounded would one day be a bestseller ...

Then I get to tour and travel, signing autographs and getting featured on TV talk shows.

And maybe, my babies will get laid finally. Heehee.

Bitches In My Life

I blogged yesterday but somehow it got lost somewhere ... something to do with something timing-out of some sort and yes, I was trying to blog while my mother was trying to make me do things for her and so with my girlfriend, both at the same time. Ahhhh, the bitches in my life! That of course includes all the alpha bitches in our kennel. Meanwhile, here I am the alpha dog who often gets pawed, walked on all over. It is true to some extent that the dogs at Cob are on the retarded side, wimps! That's what Rem calls 'em.

Rem has this thing that she enjoys doing ... she would talk to me a second later when my mother has started to like talk to me so they would end up talking at the same time. I know she does it on purpose, like a game. She's trying to see how well I would handle and as to what extent my patience will hold. She doesn't mean it in a mean way, just does it. It's just play and yes, it's intentional. So, I would just like smile everytime I would catch on at to what she's doing.

But it is so irritating to a certain extent.

Okay now let us move on to more irritating things! HAH!

I was exchanging IM's with my nephew about blogs. I started this blogsite initially to clear my clogged brain ... ease the congestion. But somehow, since I know people including family read my blogs, it has become restricted in the sense. It is now bounded by limitations almost like close to censorship. Behind, one needs to be careful and not so candid with fear that whatever's been written may be taken in a not-so-nice way, might offend somebody or whatever ... that kind of thing. This, I discussed with my nephew and we both agreed on taking on KQ's suggestion of having a secret blogsite.

I do have a secret blogsite. Now, if I can only remember what the password and username ... It is so "secret" that I, myself kinda kept it a secret. LOL!

So what irrates me?

I don't suppose I would do very well being reincarnated as a dog. You see, when training a dog whatever the method may be, it involves repetition and constant to a certain extent. That irritates the hell out of me. Repetition. So when something is repeated over and over again ... that just gets to me. It bores me to death that I just like want to banish in thin air when my mother just babbles over and over again the same damn things. Not just my mother, it's when anybody just keeps repeating things over and over again. The same goes for waitresses or waiters repeating orders. Well, yeah I know that it's part of the training and that I myself, point that out to crews I have trained how essential it is to repeat the order to make sure that you got the order right so that customers are also given a chance to change their minds or make sure ... But it really makes me feel like I'm dumb that it needs to be repeated over and over again. That's probably how some of my dogs feel during training sessions.

Do people with higher intelligence get bored faster?

Oh man, my mind's so clogged I feel the need to blog.

Money. Just how important money is? It seems too important nowadays that I hear people around me grumble about the lack of it. Those who have money in abundance still just jump on the bandwagon so as not to be left out by everybody and do try to complain in their own way.

I would much rather stay at home. Watch TV, turn my computer on and off ... drink coffee, eat noodles ... play with the dogs ... DIVE ... yeah ... dive!!! Don't much like being with people nowadays cuz all I hear are small talks about how prices have gone up, how hard life is, how so and so is, is doing, did this or did that ... I don't enjoy listening in on shallow conversations that involve bashing or bitching. I'd much rather be doing silly things like looking at myself in the mirror or trying to fit all my credit cards in one wallet. Silly things like doing nothing, staring at the wall and watching the rain drops and water forming puddles ... silly, silly things like rolling back and forth on the bed ... smelling mom's cooking, sniffing my girlfriend's hair ...

So, is money important. Well, yeah ... it is, I suppose cuz if I did not have money, I would not have the leisure to do silly things. But then again, without it ... I'd still be doing silly things.

Thank God for my silliness!

Smoking Is Bad For Your Health ... and mine, I know.

Yes, I want to quit smoking... which is quite a big step because now, I do feel I want to. The want is there and I can like feel that it's possible whereas before, the thought of it was unthinkable. Everytime I am about to ride the plane, I dread the fact that I would be without fumes in my lungs for hours on end. It drives me insane to think about how many hours I would endure without nicotine.

I remember those times when I would feel the nic fits. I would be very irritated and just snap. Not smoking is not cool or at least it makes me lose my cool. My head would swell. And when I get off the plane I would run to the nearest smoking area and woof down three cigarettes in a row. And when you do this, one gets dizzy. But oh... it feels soooo, soooo very goooood. And the cycle goes, you jump on the connecting flight but before you do so, you try to smoke your lungs away again. Picture this, dead winter and you are stuck in the St. Paul, Minneapolis Airport where it is not smoker-friendly at all. Smokers stay outside dead winter. It's a sorry state to look at. It is indeed some form of addiction.

Oh... the Seoul Airport smoker's lounge is even worse. They stick you in a small room, the size of an average bedroom and cramped in there is like around 20 to 30 people smoking away. And what's worse is when you get out and you just stink so bad.

More and more, the world is getting smaller for smokers. More and more, smokers are becoming outcasts of society. Prices of cigarettes are really sky-high now, it's unbelievable. And the taxes!!! I wonder how the cigarette manufacturers are coping up. These businesses have always been big sponsors of the better events: jazz festivals and concerts, races, sports. This smoking bans have affected the night scene too. It's quite funny actually that we went bar-hopping the last time we were in town. There weren't much people inside the club. There were a lot outside just right out front of the club smoking and the streets turned into one big ashtray with the cigarette butts scattered along the sidewalks.

I realized that the more people told me that smoking was bad for my health or like how I'm smoking cancer sticks and stuff like that, the more I did not want to stop smoking. So what's making me want to stop now? Well, i don't really need people telling me how bad smoking is, not just for my own well-being but for theirs too among other things like the ozone layer perhaps or the butts in the ocean that kill marine life as well. I know all of these things already, duh. I also am aware how bad it smells. It does taste awfull and it does give one gas so smokers fart more. And aside from lung cancer, of course, there's throat cancer... there's ulcers, liver problems too. Emphyzema, smoker's cough and a whole lot of other medical findings. Personal findings... well, bad breath. The more sticks I smoke in a day, the stinkier my breath is the morning after I wake up. It does taste as much as it stinks. Rat breath... gee, Tara doesn't smoke. Where does she get her rat breath?

So do I really want to stop? Yeah but...

I'm scared.

Let me take my sweet time.

Can't go cold turkey.

I've cut down.

In time, I will...

It's a big step I'm taking now... wanting to quit.

Home, Sweet Home!

It's such a nice feeling to be home sleeping in your own bed.

For people who have never travelled, it would be hard to relate to "coming home" the way I do and I guess, also for people who have no home or never felt settled in their home... or like on the go in more ways than one. They might be at home and yet still feel not at home. They might have a house but a house is not necessarily a home. Or maybe those who are constantly on the road living in suitcases or yeah... their vehicles.

So, what makes a home?

Rem taught me that HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS. I much agree.

New York, New York!

Now what? I remember last time I was here two years ago. Memories, memories, memories... I was utterly depressed. Tears just kept rolling down and I just couldn't help myself. Things of course are a little different now. I am not as... how should I put it? Well, am certainly not depressed and am not crying as much. Well, of course, KQ is stuck downstairs still.

Time alone.

Just like the last time.

Yeah, yeah... I remember throwing a fit.

Why on earth did I choose to be in NY this year? DOGS.... GADGETS... YEAH!

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Oh no!!! ... on the jet plane, we go. I just hate flying!!! But ONLY because of the nicotine fit!

Getting Old

Just got back from the south yesterday. I tell ya, the past month has really been hectic. It's either that or I am getting old. Not that old but getting there. We spent Tuesday through Friday with senior citizens. It is rather taxing. And I realize that as one gets older, patience do run out and irritability sets in. I remember about ten years ago and was in a similar situation. From Edmonton to Vancouver, I was driving and was pulled over speeding. Cop peeped inside the car and said... "You have a lot of seniors aboard. You shouldn't really be driving fast." And I answered, "Pardon me Mr. Officer, that's exactly why I was speeding. I am in a hurry to get home." The officer of course, laughed.

My GF and I wondered as we get older, if we'd ever turn out the way my Mom and Mommy Lets are. We took one good look at each other and said... "Nah!"

So Exactly Where Is My Life Going?

Well, KQ's wish come true... No Nitrox Final exam tonight. It's been moved to Tuesday next week. It's good too cuz something came up, dinner at Gloria Maris' (don't want to pass that one up-is my favorite Chinese restaurant plus it's free) with FredAl and Tom-dog trainers. We'll be attending a dog training seminar for the next couple of week-ends; learning about Search and Rescue, Bomb Detection and Protection and Agility.

Looking at my January calendar, it's like really full of activities; lots of learning! Now, if we can only make a living out of all of these. LOL. I seem to becoming a full-time hobbyist now. Is that what semi-retirement is all about? And you know what I find amusing too? Of couse, my websites are linked with friends and relatives and if one courses through, you should realize what kind of family and friends I have. We all seem to be full of passion with what we do... our hobbies, that is. My girlfriend is so into computers and marine life... Me and my dogs among other things... My nephews are into snowboarding and mountain-biking... My brother is into painting religious icons... Well, my mom is into swimming too (on the table) and yes, she's into the religious thing to with the healing ministry.

So exactly where is my life going?

Master Muff Diver

KQ and I are presently taking specialty courses: Underwater Photography and Video. Tomorrow will also be our final exam for the other specialty course that we took last Xmas holidays which is the Nitrox course. Oh goodie, soon I will be a Master Scuba Diver and not just a Master Muff Diver... hehe.

Year-ender

It's been a while, huh? Been busy. Well, I actually blogged a year-ender but somehow, it got lost caused by a sucky connection. I was too lazy to do it all over again and just left it at that. I can't even recall now what it was all about.

My mother has finally gone for her check-up. She has not updated me with the results. My dad's and and so with my adopted daughter, Dianne's birthdays passed. May they rest in peace. My brother's birthday passed, well he's not resting in peace yet but quite peaceful and content with himself painting religious icons. Hmmm... that doesn't somehow sound right.

My nephew, Onjie's gone back home and it's awfully peaceful here 'cept for the puppies we are rearing. We have 15 at the moment. Oh my God!!! Yeah, and I'm suppose to be cutting back on my expenses. Yeah, right. Not that I really am out on the limb in selling them. I'd much rather campaign them all. I don't think my priorities are set out right. There's something terribly wrong.

Art's is back on the hole, at least it's not in the hole yet. Like I'm interested, really. Probably, the only interest I have with it at the moment is for it to bring cash so I can still go ahead enjoying my semi-retirement. Oh, now I remember... that's what I blogged and lost. Semi-retirement. Well, I suppose I am. It's either that or is mid-life crisis I'm going through topped wirth the onset of menopause.

Well... oh well...