Good To Be Back!

 Oh, hey look!  I found my old blog account!!!

I have actually attempted to start writing a journal again for two days.  I started and then the next day, I just copied and reworded what I previously wrote day before.  I was actually trying out this note taking app on an iPad with the Apple Pencil.  I thought it would be cool to start a journal with my own handwriting.  Well, guess what happened to that !!!  I'm here and went looking for my old blog and I am just so thrilled that the blog I started almost twenty years ago is still there.

It'll take me a while ...  I feel the need to read through all my blogs.

Tele-Novela

I decided to follow my heart, once again. But this time, in a different light or should I say under a different lime light this time. Maybe, it's the only way I can come out of bankruptcy if I write a hit television series.

Sto. Domingo.

I can see it now on the screen, how it the show will start with a flashback of the good ol' days. We need to remember how it was, when life was simple and full of hope. There's just too much violence on tv nowadays, such decadence in Filipino entertainment. Too much commercialism that capitalizes on the viewer's desperation. Viewers are taught the wrong values.

Birth Rights

It's my birth mother's 40th day after she passed away today.  I never really knew her, how she was like as a mother.  They say she was a good, loving and kind mother according to my siblings.  As I was growing up, I would see her once in awhile never really knowing that she was my birth mother.  Everybody kept it a big secret.  I was brought up knowing that she was my aunt and all my siblings were my cousins.  When they were around during family reunions, my birth mother would always try to reach out and touch me ...  stay close and just stare.  She would watch closely and listen to whatever I had to say.  When I'm close enough when I would take her hand and put it on my forehead, she would always pull me close ...  gently and would try to sniff me.  (Sniffing is a Filipino thing.  When you kiss, you sniff.  Taking out the elders hand and putting it on your forehead is also a Filipino thing, a sign of respect for whoever is older than you are.)

When she passed away 40 days ago, all my relatives said that I was the only one she was waiting for ...  she was in her deathbed.  I don't know what came over me but I just decided to bring my daughter to her and pay respect.  We stayed with her for about half an hour with my daughter asking questions and me answering.  Like me, my daughter too is adopted.  Unlike me, my daughter knows she is adopted.  It is for the best of the child to know that she is adopted right from the start, speaking from experience.  I found out when I was 24 years old.  It took a lot of bottles of beer, scotch, vodka, tequila and a lot of hours with my therapist.  I never had the guts to come face to face out front with my birth mother.  Just as my dad passed away, ambushed without clearing air between us regarding the lie that I was adopted and he was not my birth father.  That is the biggest hole inside my heart, the numbing pain and frustrating loneliness inside of me that he left behind.  As I stared at my birth mother that night, in my thoughts I apologized for not having the affinity.  I do regret not growing up with her and probably my other siblings.  It could have been fun growing up in a much simpler life, poor materially but probably filled with much affection.  My Dad actually showered me with love as I was the apple of his eye.  Losing him, that's the worse thing that ever happened ...  Losing my Mom could be the worst.  My birth mother, I'm really sorry.  That was what I said to her in my thoughts.  After a couple of nights, she passed away.  They all joked about it that the stone has been passed on.  (Darna!  A Filipino story about a little girl with super powers who swallowed a stone.)

Today I had a little chat with my birth father.  A nephew's concubine approached me and said that my birth father's wish before he dies is that he speaks to me.  Perfect timing for such drama in Filipino tele-novelas but only on the condition that he does not pass away after the talk.  My birth father did most of the , he was the one who wanted to tell me a lot of things.  He said that he never wanted to give me away, nothing that I never heard before nor never knew.  I just wanted to make him happy.  I knew he needed to hold me, hug me in the 51 years that passed.   He needs peace.  Just as we all need peace inside of us.  I have this smile in my face right now as I am typing away.


God bless 'nang and have a safe journey.  Peace be with you and God rest your soul.

Clearing the cobwebs

It seems to be an annual thing now, this blog of mine. Well, it doesn't necessarily mean I had nothing to blog about nor I don't have time to blog. I was for a while very, very depressed. I thought that the things that happened early this year happened to take my mind of this depressed state I have put myself in ... to move on and face what's here and now. Things that are right in front of my face. There, like snap out of it. You're depressed because you have nothing better to do that kind of thing. Get your fat-ass off the bed. You look ugly, you feel ugly and worth nothing. Yeah, I remember blogging something nasty somewhere. And here I am again.

I have no more space in my mind for issues that I can not deal with upfront and in a sanely fashion. I am beginning to lose it or grasp the big picture. It's either that or I just want the easy way out. I don't know any more. I don't care any less. I'm just tired and weary forever trying. Can somebody please lighten the load?

Wake up call! Hello ... anybody home? Earth calling Mars. Houston, we have a problem.

Liar, liar, liar. What else? What is all this name calling and where else could it possibly lead to? We all been lied to. We all lied during our lifetime. Truth hurts actually and sometimes, that is the root of why people lie. Does it make us better persons? Heck no but we all do it anyways. To spare people we love of what could possibly hurt them and the people we lie to, they hurt the most when the truth comes out. Why, geez ... I don't know.

I went to church and finally for a long span of time, attended mass. I actually attended one and a half and stayed the half part at the Blessed Sacrament. Hoping for some kind of miracle I suppose, lighten the load somehow, clear the cobwebs of my mind.

Twas, I don't know ... call it a sign ... an enlightenment of some sort. The 6pm priest's sermon was about Alzheimer's. All about forgetting and not thinking ... I guess, I did not think. I forgot. And I also now realize what matters most and what and needs to be prioritized like who is on top of my list. I might just finally get out of this depressed state after all.

Sorry ... duh?

When It Rains ...

It Pours, as the saying goes ...
It's raining, It's pouring ... the old man is ... ME!
I feel old, man.
These aches and pains are just killing me. My hair is turning gray. I see some smiley wrinklies. Dang! My belly's able to hold up my drawstring underpants. I'm gaining weight even if I'm sweating a lot and not eating much. And very irritable. Starting to smell funny too. Geez, I'm not happy with myself.

Problems right and left. Responsibilities and obligations.

HMRMPH!!!

It's been awhile

I had a stroke in 2005.
It's been awhile back.
But I'm still as heavily medicated.
I turned 50 this December.

I also was blessed with an angel in 2005.
Time has passed by so quickly.
The baby is no longer a baby.
I can't catch up with her.

The stroke forced me to retire completely.
Although it was a couple of mild strokes, I can not function normally.
Transient Ischemic Attacks, TIA's that caused scars and blockage in my hypothalumus.
Looking normal but my senses are impaired.

I enjoy Ckas.
She made life simpler.
My mom and I are in a more peaceful and content relationship.
Remy and I are more bonded together by Ckas.

Tara's still alive.
Some of the dogs have gone to the rainbow bridge.
I still miss Cymbals a lot.
Ckas would have loved to have her around.

I have not gone diving for a long time.
Worrying about what's going on above the water makes being under the water not worth it.
The weekends dive budget has gone up considering there are additional non-divers in the group.
The money I either indulge on Ckas or myself.

I almost died this year however much I wasn't aware of the gravity of the situation.
I almost lost my right arm too.
I had an accident with a 10 gallon tank.
I'm into fishes now.

I have carpal tunnel and tarsal tunnel syndromes.
I can't be on computers much nor editing videos.
I have to lose weight but I keep eating and eating ...
I exercise by tending to the fishes and the upkeep of the tanks.

I'm still managing.
Two years ago, I got into oil painting.
Stress management.
Two years ago, I was also on the roll fixing our abode upstairs.
Obsessive Compulsive Behavior management.
Right now, fish tanks.
Stress mangement, obsessive compulsive behavior and attention deficit hyperactive disorder management.
Eccentric and recluse state management too.
Peace from the bitches in my life ... who just constantly either babble, chat, screeche, yell, scream, nag and bitch about everyhing and anything.

So there!
Lifestyle change.
A complete turnaround.
Simple, contented and at peace.

Even with no income ;)

Ondoy Killed'em

Ondoy killed a lot! There was some sort of a news black out. According to the reports, there were only about 300 that perished. It's more than that. For one, everyone I talk to had somebody died in their network. My lawyer's associate's 2 sisters died. My daughter's former classmate's grandmother died. The owner of Red Bull and his bodyguards died. Somebody's maid drowned in the basement at Talayan, that was never in the news. My driver's neighbors, not just one or two perished, they either got burned or grounded with the flood waters. The whole squatters area burned down during the flood. Bodies were lined up at the Nissan Car Show Room along Quezon Blvd. day after.

There's some kind of conspiracy, I think.

It never flooded like that before in our house. It's like they let lose all the dams all at the same time and they're not admitting the miscalculations that caused the disaster. Blame it on Ondoy.

One thing Ondoy taught me is that all the material things we accumulate, they're just material and they become immaterial in times of crisis and disasters. The less you have, the better. The less you have, the less you lose. It's easier to start all over again. And if you really learn something from it, it's better to have less and that's what makes it easier. It also make life easier.

Just enough to get by. That is what I learned. When is enough, enough. Make life simple. Simple enough that it's easy to get through it and weather the storms.

I'm Back!

I've been trying to get in here.
I was trapped in another world.
Or should I say in several different worlds.
Sounds schizo ... doesn't it?
Well, I'm a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
I'm not crazy but I'm just a little unwell.
That song ...
I can relate to that song very well.
Heavily medicated.
Uppers during the day, downers during the night.
Certified and legally addicted.
No hope for rehab.
LOL.
I suffered a mild stroke.
And I'm still alive.
Still here.
Content.
Happy.
At peace.
Complete.
And full of love.
Finally!
I'm back!!!

Tired, Exhausted and Weary

That I am.  I shut down my businesses last April.  At first, I was sort of enjoying doing nothing.  Oh, just rolling around the bed with my babies.

Every morning while I'm having my breakfast, I look up and see the mess in the attic.  When I go take my shower, I see the piles of clothes getting higher and higher waiting to be put in the cabinet.  I can't even find anything anymore.  It's a total mess which actually is an understatement.

So this is retirement, I say to myself.  Then one day, I just decided to do something about my surroundings and it has been almost three weeks now ...  I'm just organizing, putting things away ... 

I'm tired and exhausted.  I am breaking out and have rashes on my neck.  Weary ...  will I ever get all my stuff organized.  I'm living a trashy life ...  it's time to trash a lot of my accumulated stuff over the years and move on.

Six Feet Under

My friend bugged me to watch the series and because I was at work, I always missed the show. She would then just tell me about the characters and how funny the storyline is. Finally, I got the whole 1st season DVD set and while we were up in Baguio, just watched the whole season from the beginning to the end. Yes, it was funny alright. And now that I've finally watched it ... and am basically doing nothing and have time to watch it, the show got canned. I can't even get my hands on the second season's DVD set.

SIX FEET UNDER

That would have been me had I not finally decided to take it easy. So, I shut down all my business operations last April 30, 2006. So maybe, all you out there who's been reading my blog wondering what the hell happened ... I've been so ... gone ... LOST ... That's another TV show I'm hooked on nowadays. Not to mention all the CSI's from Las Vegas to Miami to New York. I turned into a couch potato and also looking like one too. Of course, to my significant other's dismay. We've both gone celibate and menopausal. And with my condition, I am also fascinated with all these med TV shows like Dr. House, Grey's Anatomy ... Just in case you have not gone across or I may have never blogged about it since I'm so lost in my own space and time ... the cobwebs are now in my brain ... I have a scarred hypothalamus due a stroke I never even knew about. My doctor adviced that I should change lifestyle and try to get rid of all the risk factors. So now, I eat very healthy. No cholesterol, no fat, no salt ... NO TASTE. But hey, healthy food grows on you really, and they do have taste however bland. I'm usually asleep with the help of RIVOTRIL by 10 PM or 11 max. Last February, I again had the TIA's ... was on heavy medications and walking like a zombie. I went in the MRI spaceship again but this time, I had a more extensive invasion. I now have two sets of pictures of my brain. One of the two main artery going to the brain is hypoplastic or something. From what I understood from my neurolgist's explanation is that I only have one out of two functioning but there's really nothing to worry about. She just said, change lifestyle. The same thing she said the first time around. Change lifestyle, not just food. LIFESTYLE. She said that all she can do is prescribe me medications and sedate me. If I don't free myself from stress ... or I don't slow down ... relax ... and enjoy the nothingness of living ... I will soon be nothing ...

SIX FEET UNDER!

All I Ever Wanted

It's funny how life plays tricks on us.  We keep wanting things the other way around.  When we have something, we wish for something else or another one that we think is better.  When we finally have it ...  we just couldn't stop wanting for more or wishing for something else.  I kept wishing to have time to do what I want to do.  I didn't have time to do this or that in the past.  Time just passed me by, waking up late in the afternoon with the whole morning gone.  I didn't even have time to go to the mall or watch a movie.  So much time was lost for the passed 25 years or so, maybe less ... time's just passed me by so quickly.

Now. I have time in my hands when I know I can go any time.  But still, all the things I've ever wanted to do if only I had the time ... I'm still not doing.

In Too Deep

I am.  In too deep in the hole.  I can't get out.  I see no way out and digging myself even deeper.

I am exhausted.

Tired and weary.

But ...  negates everything.  I am still happy.

And So It Begins

The year has gone by fast. It's Christmas time again and soon, the new year begins. My 46th year has begun. We have been blessed, I have been blessed once again ... with a bundle of joy. He gave me a little angel, my hope ... a new life, blossoming ... from the heavens above, my little angel ... Caitlin Kitiara Annika.

All the stress and tension have ceased. My condition is stable and I'm feeling better. Staring at her beautiful face, holding her tiny body and caressing her hands ... it's so soothing. And when she smiles, all the worries in the world don't matter. My mother is all smiles too and the minute she has this urge to start nagging, and she sees Ckas, she forgets. All the more when Ckas smiles at her or when the little angel puts her hand in her ears.

It's such a warm feeling looking at my significant other holding the precious one in her hands ... feeding her ... nurturing her ... caring for her. It brings a smile on my face seeing the two of them, CKAS sprawled on top of her, over her in whatever position while she tries to go through her emails and stuff. I am so amazed with the way my significant other has been handling the baby.

Our house has finally become a home. Christmas will be different this year. All will be well.

THANK GOD.

:)

The Beginning and The End

So the end did not happen. It's a happy ending afterall. For every death, there's rebirth. A new beginning has dawned. I turned 46 last December 5. I thought I wouldn't make it. I did. I surpassed 45. I've been given a new life. I had a very mild stroke. I didn't even feel it when it was happening, I couldn't even recall when it exactly happened. All I know is that sometime in June when everything was zooey ... I haven't even recovered from the all the balikbayans that attended my mom's 80th birthday around March ... We got so busy opening the other branch, dealing with the contractors ... the trainees ... the initial inventories ... the preparation for business operations ... training staff ... I was exhausted. I didn't eat properly. I didn't sleep well. I was worried about the debts that I incurred. Meanwhile, my mom left for Canada so I had to make do with my resources to pay-off remaining payables. I pawned one of my condos. I really dug myself a deep hole I didn't know if I'd ever get out. Hopeless, frustrated, exhausted, tired, weary, drained ... Trying too hard to make ends meet, to make things work, I was ... failing ... my right foot started aching. I went to the doctor and he said I had tendonitis and prescribed pain killers. A line of pain went up to my ankle, then to my knee, then up my hip to the lower back up to the upper back, shoulders, neck and head. All of my right side was in pain. I was on pain killers everyday just to get through and get things done. Then my mom called from Canada wanting me to fly over ASAP. First it was the bank then they tried my mom's health as an excuse for me to get my ass over there. Leave everything hanging and as chaotic as it was ... Yeah, right. And when my mo comes back, I would never hear the end of it. Like when we stayed in Canada back in 2003, over and over again she says that the reason why my business went bad was because I wasn't around. Well, I was WITH HER in Canada the whole time. HELLO!

By the way, as I recall ... I wanted to retire. Shut down the business, pay-off debts and live on what's ever left of my savings. Travel, go diving and take it easy. Do my photography and videos. Earn a little on the side, freelance. That's what I wanted to do BUT NO! Mom said, "What are you going to do? You are too young to retire. It's hard not doing anything. Do you have 50 Million saved? Only when you have 50 Million can you retire." Why? WHY? WHY DID I LISTEN? Had I not listened, maybe I wouldn't have had the stroke. Now, I am forced to changelifestyle ... take it easy ... retire ... Now that am in debt ... no savings ... nothing ... I can't dive deep so how the hell am I going to explore the Great Barrier Reef? Maldives? Sipadan? Even Palau and Tubbataha are questionable now. And what's killing me inside ... I am now dependent on her ... back to zero ... I'm feeling like a total failure ... an idiot who can't run a business ... stupid ...

I thought I've had it all back then. I even said I was ready to go anytime since my life has been so full. At a very young age, I have accomplished so much. God plays mean tricks. Just about when you think you've made it, He turns everything around and teaches you more. It's such a humbling experience, what He's teaching me now. And I feel in my hear that He really does love and care for me. That I am trully blessed. He is forever with me ... guiding me ... It may not be what I think is the best, but I believe He knows better. Thy will be done.

Taning

"Taning"

Translated in the english language, it's length of time. It's like when you have cancer and you only have this much length of time left like let's say ... the doctor says you only have six months to live or three or mayber one year. That's what it means.

So, let us pause for a moment and given that situation, you have one year to live. What would you do? It's different when you have let's say 2 or 3 years to live right? It's also different when you test positive for AIDS. You know you'll die and it takes longer for some while for others, it can be in three months time. You know you're dying. So, what would you do?

I remember, I got really scared out of my wits finding out that the possibility to have had contracted AIDS. OMG!!! It was devastating to find out that my life will end sooner than I expected and with no definite length of time. Of course, the shame of dying from AIDS. In a culture like ours in the third world and Catholic at that, there's a lot of taboo. To top it all up, I stopped being promiscuous for such a long time, I was even celibate and suddenly ... I was faced with this situation!!! That did not make me think though ... of what I would do during the remaining days of my life. All I could think about then was how to explain to my mother how I got AIDS and if ever I died because of it, the shame I would bring to my mother during the wake when people who would come to sympathize would just be murmuring ... talking ... hush, hush ... Thank God, I don't have AIDS and need not worry about the shame. However, I still don't like the idea of people coming to the wake supposedly to sympathesize and show compassion for the ones left behind but instead murmuring ... talking ... whispering ... chatting ...
how I was or how they remember me. Of course, my spirit would be there and I would hear what everybody's saying and because I'm dead, I won't be able to but in and tell them whether they're correct in saying that I am this or not ...

I never thought my blog would come to be this ... When I first signed up, I just thought it was a cool idea. I wasn't even sure of what to blog about that I made sure I wrote something significant as like what it's like living in a third world country. Then came my toenails ... well, I am sure that I'm not the only one with in-grown toenails or ugly toenails. I've been blogging for a couple of years now, I wish I blogged more. I guess I have been blogging since time immemorial ... writing down my thoughts. I came across a journal I kept safely hidden the other day. It brings back memories that I have forgotten already, tucked away in the inner recesses of my mind. Of course, I felt intensely about whatever I wrote then but through the course of time, indeed, I have changed. Changed a lot.

When I die, I want this blog of mine published. I already found a publisher. Probably just a hundred copies would be enough and each of my closest friends should be given a copy. The extra copies should be given to those who would come to the wake for them to read while they're supposedly showing their respects. This way, nobody chitter-chatters. Nobody gets presumptuous. It's such a coincidence that I inserted "Care To know A Little Bit About Me" ... I never thought of this turning out to be this ...

I am still deciding whether I really want to be cremated. I've said to my nephew and my significant other that I do. I want my ashes spread out in different urns, in different houses and some set free in the ocean. My mother would definitely not want me cremated. She'd rather have me buried in the mausoleum. If I go first, then I would probably be beside my Dad. It is a toss up, to be side by side with my dad or in the ocean. Better yet, my mother can have the wake services since I know it's very important for her. I want my ashes everywhere, an urn beside my Dad then.

If I have five years to live, I would sell most of my properties and buy a beachfront. I would spend the remaining days there, simply ... enjoying the beauty around me ... the wind, the blue skies ... the water and yes, I would still have dogs. I want my significant other to be by my side of course. And yes, my mother ... but she has to learn to enjoy the quiet. If I have less than five years to live, I'd still do the same thing. I would like to travel and see Australia, Africa, New Zealand ... If I can, I would like to dive the Great Barrier Reef, Maldives ... the well-known dive sites, including the Red Sea. I don't like the touristy-tour kinda thing and definitely not Hong Kong Disneyland, ok?

Now if I only have a year to live, then that's time to short. More so if it's just months that's left. Taning.

We all die. We can all die anytime. Like my Dad, who just went one day. Just like Cymbals that just killed over from a heart attack. Is it better to know exactly or maybe more or less, to know when you're going to go or not?

I'm dying. I don't know when. We will all die eventually.

Down The Drain

I woke up this morning and going about my morning rituals, I turn on the faucet so as to fill up the glass with water ... to brush my teeth and take the rat breath out. What's really irritating is when there's no water ... when you need it the most, especially when you wake up and the morning rituals need be done. Our water tank had holes, I was informed so the water tank was turned off. I asked them to bring up some water so at least I can go about doing the morning rituals but instead, they turned on the water pump. I filled up the jacuzzi with water and every container I could possibly fill up including the basin. I wasn;t sure exactly when the holes are going to get fixed.

I woke up this morning hoping to paint some more. Perhaps continue on what I started yesterday. Oh yes, no water. AAARRGH! The water in the basin didn't last very long. The level of water in the jacuzzi is slowly going down the drain. I wonder if it'll even last the whole day. The toilet won't flush anymore. And the whole house will be smelling like amonia soon with 50 dogs around with no water. I need to get out soon. It's a good thing I have an appointment with my lawyer after lunch. Hmmm, there's no water in the shower. AAARRRRGGHHH!

I woke up this morning wanting to blog. Finally, I had something to blog. Blogger was down and so down the drain, my thoughts went. By now, the thoughts I had are in the drainage making their way to the ocean. And down the drain everything goes ... I need to get out there where there is water for water ...

IS LIFE.

Countdown

And so it begins.

I'm not surprised but I thought otherwise. Now, I feel I am much pressed with time. Oh yeah, time ... how time passes by so quickly. I'm running out of time.

I'll See You In September, When The Summer Is Gone

It does not hold true at this side of the hemisphere. But summer's gone too considering we're in the heart of the wet season. We're lucky to wake up with the sun shining and not the gloomy, cloudy, drizzling all day showers that turn into thunder storms, phantom floods and strong winds. It's not anything like Vancouver weather or Sleepless In Seattle's bedweather. It's far from London's cold and wet ambience. It still is hot and humid. It gets coool only because of air-conditioners but to everybody's dismay, oil prices are going up and we are left to just deal with the heat the best way we can to bring down the electric bills.

Summer was fun. Busy but fun. Mom celebrated her 80th birthday so all our relatives flew back for the grandest occassion. Expenses were high, of course. Now that everything seems to have gone back to normal, summer is gone. It is September,
and it does not seem to be a month to look forward to. I checked my blogs and true enough, indeed, September has always been a bad month for me. If not September, it's like a week or so ... the last days of summer. It was around this time two years ago that the bad luck came and as we all know it comes in threes ...

For starters, I was confined last week and found out I have a clot in my brain-in the right side of the hypothalamus. For an overnighter at the hospital, it cost about a thousand Canadian. I'm under medication, changing my diet and successfully quitting smoking. I do have to change my life style as my condition was brought about by stress and hypertension. And exactly how do I do that considering that I am broke and in debt?

Secondly, Cymbals passed away from a heart attack last Thursday, the 15th of September. Everybody says she just gave up her life for mine. Just as when Flute died on the 21st of September in 1998. Maybe, I'll paint Cymbals picture and hang it up on the wall. Was that why I had this strong urge to buy a canvass, bought it the last time I was at the bookstore?

So what's the third?

September ain't over yet.

Just Passing Through

We are.
That we are.
We are just passing through.
As we first set our eyes, that first glimpse ... that first smile ...
As we build friendships and love grows ...
As we touch, hold, hug ...
Good times and bad times ...
As we yell when we are not in the mood or in pain ...
As we scream, cry ...

We are
JUST PASSING THROUGH.

And we mean the most to those we leave behind.
I, now know ... the meaning of life.

Message In A Bottle

It has been awhile since I last blogged. The message in the bottle is still unread... floating out there in the ocean, endlessly finding its way to the shore for someone to pick it up ... open in and read my thoughts.

Alas ... one day will come and the bottle shall reach the shore.

And when it finally does, the message ... will still be unread. The ink would have faded and the the paper ... empty.