Good To Be Back!

 Oh, hey look!  I found my old blog account!!!

I have actually attempted to start writing a journal again for two days.  I started and then the next day, I just copied and reworded what I previously wrote day before.  I was actually trying out this note taking app on an iPad with the Apple Pencil.  I thought it would be cool to start a journal with my own handwriting.  Well, guess what happened to that !!!  I'm here and went looking for my old blog and I am just so thrilled that the blog I started almost twenty years ago is still there.

It'll take me a while ...  I feel the need to read through all my blogs.

Tele-Novela

I decided to follow my heart, once again. But this time, in a different light or should I say under a different lime light this time. Maybe, it's the only way I can come out of bankruptcy if I write a hit television series.

Sto. Domingo.

I can see it now on the screen, how it the show will start with a flashback of the good ol' days. We need to remember how it was, when life was simple and full of hope. There's just too much violence on tv nowadays, such decadence in Filipino entertainment. Too much commercialism that capitalizes on the viewer's desperation. Viewers are taught the wrong values.

Birth Rights

It's my birth mother's 40th day after she passed away today.  I never really knew her, how she was like as a mother.  They say she was a good, loving and kind mother according to my siblings.  As I was growing up, I would see her once in awhile never really knowing that she was my birth mother.  Everybody kept it a big secret.  I was brought up knowing that she was my aunt and all my siblings were my cousins.  When they were around during family reunions, my birth mother would always try to reach out and touch me ...  stay close and just stare.  She would watch closely and listen to whatever I had to say.  When I'm close enough when I would take her hand and put it on my forehead, she would always pull me close ...  gently and would try to sniff me.  (Sniffing is a Filipino thing.  When you kiss, you sniff.  Taking out the elders hand and putting it on your forehead is also a Filipino thing, a sign of respect for whoever is older than you are.)

When she passed away 40 days ago, all my relatives said that I was the only one she was waiting for ...  she was in her deathbed.  I don't know what came over me but I just decided to bring my daughter to her and pay respect.  We stayed with her for about half an hour with my daughter asking questions and me answering.  Like me, my daughter too is adopted.  Unlike me, my daughter knows she is adopted.  It is for the best of the child to know that she is adopted right from the start, speaking from experience.  I found out when I was 24 years old.  It took a lot of bottles of beer, scotch, vodka, tequila and a lot of hours with my therapist.  I never had the guts to come face to face out front with my birth mother.  Just as my dad passed away, ambushed without clearing air between us regarding the lie that I was adopted and he was not my birth father.  That is the biggest hole inside my heart, the numbing pain and frustrating loneliness inside of me that he left behind.  As I stared at my birth mother that night, in my thoughts I apologized for not having the affinity.  I do regret not growing up with her and probably my other siblings.  It could have been fun growing up in a much simpler life, poor materially but probably filled with much affection.  My Dad actually showered me with love as I was the apple of his eye.  Losing him, that's the worse thing that ever happened ...  Losing my Mom could be the worst.  My birth mother, I'm really sorry.  That was what I said to her in my thoughts.  After a couple of nights, she passed away.  They all joked about it that the stone has been passed on.  (Darna!  A Filipino story about a little girl with super powers who swallowed a stone.)

Today I had a little chat with my birth father.  A nephew's concubine approached me and said that my birth father's wish before he dies is that he speaks to me.  Perfect timing for such drama in Filipino tele-novelas but only on the condition that he does not pass away after the talk.  My birth father did most of the , he was the one who wanted to tell me a lot of things.  He said that he never wanted to give me away, nothing that I never heard before nor never knew.  I just wanted to make him happy.  I knew he needed to hold me, hug me in the 51 years that passed.   He needs peace.  Just as we all need peace inside of us.  I have this smile in my face right now as I am typing away.


God bless 'nang and have a safe journey.  Peace be with you and God rest your soul.

Clearing the cobwebs

It seems to be an annual thing now, this blog of mine. Well, it doesn't necessarily mean I had nothing to blog about nor I don't have time to blog. I was for a while very, very depressed. I thought that the things that happened early this year happened to take my mind of this depressed state I have put myself in ... to move on and face what's here and now. Things that are right in front of my face. There, like snap out of it. You're depressed because you have nothing better to do that kind of thing. Get your fat-ass off the bed. You look ugly, you feel ugly and worth nothing. Yeah, I remember blogging something nasty somewhere. And here I am again.

I have no more space in my mind for issues that I can not deal with upfront and in a sanely fashion. I am beginning to lose it or grasp the big picture. It's either that or I just want the easy way out. I don't know any more. I don't care any less. I'm just tired and weary forever trying. Can somebody please lighten the load?

Wake up call! Hello ... anybody home? Earth calling Mars. Houston, we have a problem.

Liar, liar, liar. What else? What is all this name calling and where else could it possibly lead to? We all been lied to. We all lied during our lifetime. Truth hurts actually and sometimes, that is the root of why people lie. Does it make us better persons? Heck no but we all do it anyways. To spare people we love of what could possibly hurt them and the people we lie to, they hurt the most when the truth comes out. Why, geez ... I don't know.

I went to church and finally for a long span of time, attended mass. I actually attended one and a half and stayed the half part at the Blessed Sacrament. Hoping for some kind of miracle I suppose, lighten the load somehow, clear the cobwebs of my mind.

Twas, I don't know ... call it a sign ... an enlightenment of some sort. The 6pm priest's sermon was about Alzheimer's. All about forgetting and not thinking ... I guess, I did not think. I forgot. And I also now realize what matters most and what and needs to be prioritized like who is on top of my list. I might just finally get out of this depressed state after all.

Sorry ... duh?

When It Rains ...

It Pours, as the saying goes ...
It's raining, It's pouring ... the old man is ... ME!
I feel old, man.
These aches and pains are just killing me. My hair is turning gray. I see some smiley wrinklies. Dang! My belly's able to hold up my drawstring underpants. I'm gaining weight even if I'm sweating a lot and not eating much. And very irritable. Starting to smell funny too. Geez, I'm not happy with myself.

Problems right and left. Responsibilities and obligations.

HMRMPH!!!

It's been awhile

I had a stroke in 2005.
It's been awhile back.
But I'm still as heavily medicated.
I turned 50 this December.

I also was blessed with an angel in 2005.
Time has passed by so quickly.
The baby is no longer a baby.
I can't catch up with her.

The stroke forced me to retire completely.
Although it was a couple of mild strokes, I can not function normally.
Transient Ischemic Attacks, TIA's that caused scars and blockage in my hypothalumus.
Looking normal but my senses are impaired.

I enjoy Ckas.
She made life simpler.
My mom and I are in a more peaceful and content relationship.
Remy and I are more bonded together by Ckas.

Tara's still alive.
Some of the dogs have gone to the rainbow bridge.
I still miss Cymbals a lot.
Ckas would have loved to have her around.

I have not gone diving for a long time.
Worrying about what's going on above the water makes being under the water not worth it.
The weekends dive budget has gone up considering there are additional non-divers in the group.
The money I either indulge on Ckas or myself.

I almost died this year however much I wasn't aware of the gravity of the situation.
I almost lost my right arm too.
I had an accident with a 10 gallon tank.
I'm into fishes now.

I have carpal tunnel and tarsal tunnel syndromes.
I can't be on computers much nor editing videos.
I have to lose weight but I keep eating and eating ...
I exercise by tending to the fishes and the upkeep of the tanks.

I'm still managing.
Two years ago, I got into oil painting.
Stress management.
Two years ago, I was also on the roll fixing our abode upstairs.
Obsessive Compulsive Behavior management.
Right now, fish tanks.
Stress mangement, obsessive compulsive behavior and attention deficit hyperactive disorder management.
Eccentric and recluse state management too.
Peace from the bitches in my life ... who just constantly either babble, chat, screeche, yell, scream, nag and bitch about everyhing and anything.

So there!
Lifestyle change.
A complete turnaround.
Simple, contented and at peace.

Even with no income ;)

Ondoy Killed'em

Ondoy killed a lot! There was some sort of a news black out. According to the reports, there were only about 300 that perished. It's more than that. For one, everyone I talk to had somebody died in their network. My lawyer's associate's 2 sisters died. My daughter's former classmate's grandmother died. The owner of Red Bull and his bodyguards died. Somebody's maid drowned in the basement at Talayan, that was never in the news. My driver's neighbors, not just one or two perished, they either got burned or grounded with the flood waters. The whole squatters area burned down during the flood. Bodies were lined up at the Nissan Car Show Room along Quezon Blvd. day after.

There's some kind of conspiracy, I think.

It never flooded like that before in our house. It's like they let lose all the dams all at the same time and they're not admitting the miscalculations that caused the disaster. Blame it on Ondoy.

One thing Ondoy taught me is that all the material things we accumulate, they're just material and they become immaterial in times of crisis and disasters. The less you have, the better. The less you have, the less you lose. It's easier to start all over again. And if you really learn something from it, it's better to have less and that's what makes it easier. It also make life easier.

Just enough to get by. That is what I learned. When is enough, enough. Make life simple. Simple enough that it's easy to get through it and weather the storms.